still struggling….

had a good cry this morning….

was talking to one of b’s friends online last night. i guess she hadn’t been aware to the extent which the boy in her life was abusive. when she took off and we were cleaning out her room, we found a note that she wrote to him that makes me sad in ways i can hardly express. she wrote about physical violence, i assume (she said "hit"), and punishment as though those were normal, every day things. based on what was in the letter, she had to have written it september 29, which tells me she is in a very dangerous place emotionally.

her friend who’s house she was at this time when she ran away said she got into a fight with b and she tried to calm her down, but b basically said she didn’t care about anything or anybody, but she just had to go.

i keep thinking back to what i could have done differently. there are a lot of things, but thinking like that won’t bring those times back to the present to rework them, it will just make me crazy from the desire to do so. the trick, i suppose is to learn whatever lessons i can from what we’ve been through so far and carry on.

i think my body has gone into a full body pout mode. i generally cycle around the new moon, but i have been eating terribly about the last week and i need to get back on track. i need to keep my body healthy and not-run down as the season elongates into winter or i am going to be more prone to sickness, and i believe there is a body/mind link that makes the health of each affect the other.

i don’t think i have ever been more thankful in my life that i had something to make me feel light and beautiful, in bellydancing. i need that so much. i am thinking of picking up a yoga class one night a week to sort of complete the circle, as it were. the stretching would do me good and keep me in a good routine. i need to find one that doesn’t cost too much money and that’s reasonably close to my house. there has to be something around here. i will find it. and keep dancing and moving. it really does help my body….it feels good.

i am also progressing with magickal study. i want to do this. i need to split my emotional energy between the situation with b and this magickal study. because having my brain focus on only one thing is very dangerous. i am analytical by nature and not having things to occupy my mind is dangerous. i will second-guess myself into psychosis if the only thing i think about is the situation with b.

both d and i have been resting well lately. things seem stable between us, but the stress of the b thing seems to permeate everything i do. it’s like there’s this heavy weight in the center of my chest that lifts a little when i dance, but is constantly there. i remember feeling this way the last time she was institutionalized too. it went away when i thought she was doing well, but i wonder now if that was false and i will always worry about her this way. i need to learn how to let this go. she is her own sentient being and whatever mistakes i might have made, she is now making her own decisions. i just wish there were some way i could help her, or that she would let me. i think one of the things that hurts me the most is that i don’t know when i became the enemy? i have always been available for her to talk to, confide in me, and she has never done that. i am sure it also has to do with the fact that i made an assumption that we would be close because me and my mom were close, but that appears to have been in error. i feel like she’s never given me the chance to be there for her. towards the end there, i had to set some limits for her that i think might have driven her further away, but someone has to be the parent. i want us to get through this, i want her to stay safe. an inordinate amount of my energy is spent trying to imagine where she is and provide a protective bubble around her to keep her safe.

this is where my brain is at today. scattered and frazzled. i am glad i cried, though, i think i needed to do that.

peace.