progress….?

before anyone gets all hopeful and shit, don’t. she’s gone again, but i have a new approach and so far, it has born fruit.

she took off last night and i thought to myself "this is crazy".

so, i decided to take another approach. whatever else was happening, i had to find a way to reach my daughter. when we talked to her before, what we discovered, or what she said was that she was most afraid of being sent away. that we or someone else was going to lock her up again and she has made this in to a very real and tangible fear for her. using this information, i concluded that the way to get her to trust me again was to try to reach her on her level. in doing some serious thinking the past few days, i have come to the conclusion that it’s time to mourn my baby girl. perhaps what she wants is for me to see her as a young adult and NOT as my baby.

i had this lovely theory worked out that she was trying to befriend and save every dirtbag she could find because she was still blaming herself for her friends suicide a couple of years ago. i think that was a very romantic and plausible notion, but not necessarily true.

i sent her a message on myspace yesterday that said:

Hi Honey,
I know you were talking to folks on myspace last night. Below is a message I sent to a couple of your friends that I thought might be who you took off to see. Let’s work together to get you back home and take care of the things we need to take care of. I mean what I say. I haven’t called the cops yet, and I won’t, as long as I know you are safe. But I need to know that.

I am sure you had a good reason for taking off, and I am equally sure that when you said to me that you were going to stay home for awhile that you meant it. But then something came up. I understand that sometimes these things happen. I am not judging you and you won’t be in trouble, have privileges taken away, anything like that. I want to work with you on this. I am trusting you, now it’s your turn, just a little bit.

I hope that you get access to a computer to see this message today. I don’t really want to cancel that appointment at the ortho, I hope you will come see me so that we can go. Remember the appointment is at 4:10, so I’d like you to be here by 3:30 if you can make it. Everyone has responsibility, sweetie. . Right now, yours is to try to take care of your teeth. Please call me at work, there’s no way I can know where you are calling from if you call me there. I love you.

Mom

::::

Hi. I know that you don’t know me. I am girl’s mom. I don’t have any idea how well you know girl, but if you are in contact with her, or you see her or know how to get a hold of her, please have her message me here, and/or call me. If she calls me at my work number, there’s no way I can know where she’s calling from.

I need to know that girl is safe. I am not judging her, and I need her to know that I have not contacted the police yet. She doesn’t want to get sent away and I don’t want her to be sent away either. I love her and I am willing to work with her on this. I am sure there was a good reason for her to take off last night. What I need now is for her to contact me and let me know she is safe, and I need for her to let me know if she can make it to my work by 3:30pm so that we can make it to her orthodontist appointment. She needs to take care of her teeth.

If she does this, she isn’t going to be in trouble, and there aren’t going to be any cops or anything. All I am asking is that she talk to me about why she left when she’s ready so I can try to understand and we can work through this together. I am not going to grill her and I am not going to demand. This isn’t a trick. If Brianna looks at the profile attached to this message, she will see my picture and know that it’s really me.

Please feel free to let her read this if she is with you.

This is nothing more than a mother trying to maintain a connection with her child. A response from you or from Brianna as soon as possible is very much appreciated.

Thanks,
BR

:::::

i have been thinking a lot lately.

what is love? a parents love for their child is unconditional. i know this. i live it every day.

is it love to allow your child to do something that you know could be harmful to her? i would argue that it is, if the alternative, sticking to your guns and being a hardass, results in losing her forever by alienating her and driving her to leave the state or go farther away where you can’t find her. i would have thought at one point that this would be bad parenting. but you know what? the cops don’t care. it’s definately harder to do things this way.

she called me yesterday. i was so surprised i almost fell over in my chair. she got the email and something in it clicked with her. something that said "thank goodness". she said that she would go with me to the dentist appointment if i promised i wouldn’t pull any funny business. at this point, i just wanted to know she was okay and i wanted to help her in whatever way i could.

when she left, here’s the "note" she left behind:

"i don’t know why i keep leaving home, but i do. i love my mom so much and i don’t want to hurt her but i want to be on my own i guess is a lot of it. also what if the courts just say screw it and send me away anyways? i’m trying to figure out whether i should leave tonight or not. i want to but i love my mom and i don’t want to keep hurting her.  i do just fine on my own now, i really do. i have a million places to stay and tons of ways to get money. i never even spanged once my last time i was gone. if i leave tonight i’m going to try and write to my mom frequently and also call her from time to time if it’s possible. hopefully one day she will understand. if i run until i’m 18 i plan on taking my g.e.d. and then going to a community college somewhere. i don’t know where yet. i want to move to arizona, or possibly southern california. i’ll probably get a bus ticket down there so i’m at least not in town anymore. i do love my mom to death but i just want to be on my own. i love it. if you ever do read this mom, somehow, i do love you with all my heart but i’m so scared. i will call and write so that you know that i’m alive, i’ll try weekly at least this time. i would visit you but i know you would only call the cops. i DO love you, never forget that and hopefully one day i’ll come to my senses and come home to you. you’ve always been so good to me, but honestly right now i have no desire to stay at home. i love you always and please never think otherwise"

that note made me feel very hopeless. but, she wrote that before i sent my letter.

she wanted me to give, just a little bit, and i did.

she called me yesterday afternoon, and she made the move. she told me that she would go to the dentists. when she got here, we both rushed to talk. i told her i didn’t want to cramp her style, but there were a few things i needed from her. i asked her if she could try to check in with me once a day, at least and she said she would. iasked her if i allowed her to stay on her own, if she would do the things she needed to do, like be responsible and still go to school. she said that she would. she said she would keep appointments if i told her when they were. it was both our ideas for her to call me whenever she wants if she ever doesn’t have a place to stay. that’s the other non-negotiable. she can’t sleep outside because it isn’t safe. she said she would go to counseling with me.

this is better than nothing.

perhaps i was so intent on protecting her as my "baby", this is her rebellion. i have to keep her connected with me until i can get her help. she isn’t talking about leaving the state anymore.

one of the hardest things i have done is drop her off downtown last night after she got her braces off and let her walk away from my car.

but she hugged me, said she’d be in touch, and smiled at me.

i’ll take it.