here we go again…..

yesterday morning, i got a call from a local "safe place" for teens saying my daughter had been taken there by the police because they had found her sleeping in a park. oh joy. the park was less than a mile from my house. she had a mental health evaluation, and the lady called me and said she thinks b needs residential treatment, but she’s not sure what i should do because my insurance sucks the big green weenie. she told me to take her to the place where she was last time, atc. so i guess that’s on the agenda for today.

i am reading the book, and it makes sense to me, but that doesn’t mean i like it. so far, all it has done is explained the new "cult of cool" and talk about how children try to find familial relationships with their peers because their parents are too busy. except that we aren’t and haven’t been. nothing in this book has been a shock to me, except the apparent amorality that these children are growing up with. he says that children really see no great distinction between right and wrong. umm, wow.

i feel very helpless and very alone. a part of me wants to go and pick her up from this place, look at her and say "where do you want to go?" "i give up" "you win". then to say "you know you SHOULD go home and get your life back together, but i am not going to force you to do anything. so, what is it?" i can’t keep living like this, on this emotional roller coaster. this book is telling me that my child feels abandoned, but wtf? i have been one of the most involved parents i know.

the lonliness is what’s getting to me right now. and to get home and have a beer-addled coparent annoys me. i know that sounds really mean, but come on. beer or substances of any kind are a woefully inadequate coping mechanism. maybe i am just lashing out at everything and everyone because i don’t know what to do. i do know that my stomach has a penetrating, deep ache in it when i think about things with my daughter. i felt like i was just getting back on track and starting to feel normal again and she pulled the rug out from under me again.

she can only stay at the "safe place" for 72 hours. i don’t know what we are going to do when that time is up. right now, i haven’t got a clue.

peace.