blustery, rainy, northwest day….

is what it feels like in my town today.

i am back in my own town today, and today is my big training session that i have to do. the first of many, i am sure. this one is unique and cool, though, because this is the first time i am going to have a computer lab where everyone has their own pc, to go along the training materials with me. life is good…

i have a lot of stuff to write about.

when i saw my mother-in-law the other day, she was sitting up in a chair, she asked me to help her brush her hair, and she looked at me and smiled and said "today, i am happy. i FEEL good." right on, c-woman. a week ago, we weren’t sure if you’d be pushing up daisies soon. THAT’S what i call a strong constitution. this made me very happy…

then, i was asked to go to the different facilities to see if they were decent for her. i found one that i thought was very nice, and made my recommendation, only to learn that her insurance would not authorize that place and they sent her somewhere in bumfuk egypt. this does not make me any more fond of insurance companies, which i already have a healthy disdain for. bah. fuck insurance companies. seriously.

i feel sorry for my mother-in-law because now that the immediate crisis seems to be over, no one really knows what to do. this is a complicated situation with that family. i was asked to go the facilities because her husband didn’t have time to go and he doesn’t have any medical experience. then, she didn’t get to go to the one we wanted her too anyway. she is having issues because she is still somewhat in denial about her health status. she isn’t being treated appropriately because she isn’t being honest with her doctors, but the doctors won’t listen to anyone but the patient. i wish this family strength in dealing with this. i will give my opinion, and have to my husband, but in this instance, i am still somewhat of an outsider. i think i am actually the only -in-law that was invited to come down when she was sick. she needs someone to advocate for her, though…she doesn’t seem capable of advocating for herself. and her family wants to, but it seems no one will listen. tough times, for them, and for us, really.

when i got home last night, the house was somewhat a disaster. i am upset at my son because he purchased a wolf-hybrid puppy while i was gone. we discussed him having a dog, and i thought we were having a conversation, he thought i was giving tacit approval. he is a cute little guy, but my son is learning what a large responsibility it is to have a dog and my carpets and his blankets and bed are paying the price of that. like i said, cute bugger, though. there was a sink full of dishes, but everyone i asked who has been staying in the house all swears they are not their dishes. i will soon be printint mutual respect contracts for everyone who lives in my house. everyone will sign and agree to it or discussion will ensue, but it will be done. this is rather bullshit.

i miss d. he is still in vegas and shall be until the 17th of this month. i am glad he can be there for his family.

i am wasting time before my training class, but i probably should go so that no one sees me writing in my online diary when i am supposed to be preparing to train them =)

have a good day everyone….

peace. 

Tagged!!

I’ve been tagged by ican. She wants five random/weird facts about me.

Here are the rules:

The first player starts with the topic "5 random/weird facts about yourself." The people who get "tagged” need to post an entry about their 5 random facts, as well as state these rules clearly.

In the end, you must post the names and/or diaries of the 5 people you wish to tag. Leave a note saying "you’ve been tagged" on their diaries and tell then to read your site.

5 Random Facts:

1. Parenting teenagers is the hardest thing I have ever done.

2. One of my favorite ways to write my initials is using a treble cleff musical notation with my maiden name initials.

3. I am the 5th of 6 children. All of my older siblings are now in their 50’s. My mother had me when she was 38 years old, which age I will turn next year. The way my life has gone, I cannot imagine "starting over" with an infant at this point in my life. This gives me even greater admiration for my mom.

4. One of the most important things to me in any relationship, be it friendship or relationship, is honesty.

5. From the time I was a little girl, I have always had a very rich "inner life". I have always been my own best friend, mostly and am very self-sustaining with regard to the "need" to be around other people.

5 Weird Facts:

1. I had to bowl, like, 300 games to graduate from high school. I went to the "alternative" high school because I skipped a year and had to catch up. The gym teacher told me to bowl three games to equal one class and I think I had to have 30 classes to get my credit. When I turned in all my papers, she had forgotten about this arrangement and almost didn’t accept it. This made me very angry.

2. When I was a sophmore in high school, i was supposed to participate in a German student exchange program. The girl came, she stayed with my family for three weeks (was supposed to be a month) and six days before she was supposed to leave, she went to the advisor and told him she hated me and hated my family and refused to stay with us any longer. She hadn’t said anything to us. So, she stayed the last six days with another family and that person went to Germany. I was devestated, completely and totally.

3. I love to shop, but on my own terms and often the purpose of shopping, for me, is to find the best "deal". I generally know what I want, go directly to get it, and am then done. I refuse to shop the day after Thanksgiving. Did it once in recent memory and have no plans to ever do it again.

4. I have double-jointed knees and can lay my legs flat on ground and life my feet probably six inches off the ground while my thighs remain firmly planted on the ground. Those I have shown this anomoly are grossed out by it. My thumbs also bed backwards in a very strange way.

5. I sometimes feel guilty because although I know I was very sick when I had my hysterectomy, I pushed the doctor to do it because I didn’t want to deal with the mess, the pain, the horror of my periods anymore. Sometimes I think this makes me a big ‘ole baby and affects my "womanhood"…that I should have stuck it out. But that usually passes quickly….I tried to miss having a period and couldn’t do it. I still think it’s one of the best things I’ve ever done and was well worth the money, effort, and recovery I went thru.

I’m tagging: hurricanekatie, teresa, RandomChance, FourthRow, and Atrevida. 

small, but good….

i have very mixed feelings about this thanksgiving.

there is so, so much to be thankful for. seriously. emotionally, this hasn’t been the best year for me, and then, emotionally this has been a time for intense and sometimes unwilling growth for me, so i feel like i have to acknowledge that.

d’s mom is doing much better. yesterday when we saw her, she wanted us to bring some things for her to feel more human…..women’s toiletry things and while we were on our way to deliver them, she called again and asked if i might be able to bring her a vanilla milk shake! good news, indeed.

the day before thanksgiving, they took the respirator tube from her throat and she began to breathe again on her own. it’s been tough for her because she has essentially had to learn how to breathe again on her own. yesterday, we saw her practicing, as her oxygen saturation is still not what they want it to be.  however, as soon as she can get this number back up (she isn’t far off, she is consistently at about 93% and they want her to be around 96-97%), then they will take her from the ICU and put her in a regular room. After that, she will come home. I have a ton of admiration for this lady who seems to value life so much. she has strength i don’t think any of us imagined and it seems her journey in this life is not done yet. pretty cool.

of course, the sad part, for me, is that this is the first thanksgiving ever that i have not been around my own children this day. this has held mixed blessings for me.  it has been quiet and mostly restful for me, which has been awesome and much needed.  it has given me a lot of time for reflection, too. on the situation with daughter, and things within myself. i don’t know if i have been a good parent or not. i guess that time will tell with this. i think i can say i did the best i could and that i always put my kids first. not sure if that’s good or bad at this point, but it is what it is.

i should probably type about all the things i am thankful for, but they can be macro’d into a few large things. the health of my family, the love of my family and the people who choose to love me, enough to eat and drink, being granted the benefits of living in a first world country and all that entails, a job i like and good things in my life.

i think i am done being reflective now….the dryer is off and i need to fold those clothes =) 

one more quick thing…..

oh yeah…..

we did manage to sneak out during the weekend and see harry potter.

LOVED IT!!!!!!!!

all that escapism was glorious on the screen. i am sad they left the house elves out and couldn’t do any of the side stories in the books, but the bottom line comes from the A&E "making of the goblet of fire" thing i saw….

the director says "the book had over 700 pages to tell it’s story. i get 120 with a script and a couple of hours to do the same" there’s that, then.

it was still awesome. loved the water task scenes.

sat in the front row and didn’t care. just meant that no one else could see how stupidly happy and little-kid like i was to be there, watching it, and cheering and being happy and joyous and kid-like. life is still good in so very many ways….

i still have a lot to be thankful for this year.

a whole lot.

peace.

keepin’ on….

hello from sunny las vegas.

we spent a few hours with d’s mom last night and she seems to be doing better, slowly. they are trying to ween her from the respirator slowly. they took her off for a short time yesterday and said she didn’t tolerate that really well, so they are going to go really slowly. she seems more alert, and they are also trying to cut back on the amount of morphine they are giving her. last night was the first time that no one stayed with her overnight. the reason they were doing that, i found out, was that d’s dad said that while everyone, ultimately, dies alone, if it was his wife’s time to go, he wanted someone who was family there with her to ease her way, let her know it was okay, and tell her they loved her during her transition. this makes me happy that they are respectful of what she wants, and i feel this to be true.

looks like we may or may not be cooking a turkey for turkey day. d’s dad said last night that he thought the mom had ordered one of those pre-cooked turkey meals from one of the store’s in the area, because it was just supposed to be dad, mom, and oma. we aren’t sure if this was actually done or not before she got sick, though. either way, i am sure it will be marginally somber, but not too bad. we can fix up premade food, just fine and it would be somewhat of a relief =)

what else is happening? my son bought a wolf-hybrid dog and promptly lost it. he paid $250 for it, then let the thing in our backyard and we have a fence that little doggies can wiggle right thru. and he did. i am sure someone snatched him up and while that’s sad, i think it teaches my son a valuable lesson about the type of responsibility involved in having an animal as dependent as a dog. i didn’t really want him to get it, but oh well.

i have heard from my daughter every day since we have been gone, which is good. her teeth look so beautiful with her braces off!!

i guess that’s about it right now. i have to laugh because today, i get to take the german grandmother around and try to hang out with her and keep her mind off things with her daughter. she speaks germanglish, the root word of that being "mangle" =) it should be fun, given it’s been about 22 years since i have spoken much german. she’s a sweet lady, though, and i am sure we will have fun.

i have more to write, but die oma awaits me!

peace. 

On Stuff….

well, she did email me yesterday and let me know she was okay, so that’s a good thing. i wonder how she will react at my not being around for thanksgiving? i am trying to make arrangements for my kids to have other plans. they don’t need to be around sickness, injury, and depressing stuff around the holiday.

i will be flying to vegas tomorrow to meet with d and help with shifts at the hospital so that someone is there with her at all times. d says he thinks she’s pretty messed up, but does not believe that she will die. i hope that he isn’t disappointed if things turn out differently or that he is okay. he doesn’t sound very okay now. i can always tell because he talks in short, choppy sentences. isn’t it weird how well we become to know people after awhile?

there’s some shit happening at work that makes me want to tell some people to fuck off, but of course i won’t do that. the cool thing is that this is very similar to something i went thru when i first implemented this database, but there is a lot of comfort in knowing that i came thru that just fine and will come thru this also, just fine. i am much more confident now, i know my stuff, and i have management support, which i always did, but there was doubt before because none of us had done this before. there’s no doubt now. it’s just a matter of getting thru it.

i feel a little guilty because i have been indulging in some comfort foods with all the stress lately. a cookie here, a donut there. i had an apple fritter yesterday and it was divine. this morning are two cookies left over from a meeting yesterday with my morning coffee. i think as long as i don’t make this a habit, i should be fine.

it’s really funny to me how life just keeps on keeping on. something happens to alter your world forever, and when you look outside, the birds are still there, people are still making their morning commutes, trudging along, and everything seems the same except that your world has been altered forever. is this perception or reality? is there a difference? pensive much? lately, yeah, i suppose i am. i felt like writing this morning, purging more. for moments, i sit here and just stare at the screen until something strikes me.

my mom and i went out to eat pho last night. i don’t think i will ever be able to eat pho without fond memories of going to the pho house up north with teresa. what a lovely memory to fall back on when things are tough. thank you, my friend.

i feel like i have said what was in my head this morning. i need to make some arrangements to make sure i have a ride from the airport tomorrow. i need to see if i can find the free passes from my sisters airline, otherwise i will have to pay $100 for the flight, which still isn’t bad with no notice.

have a great day, everyone.

peace. 

basking in my glory…

in all actuality, i wasn’t going to name this entry this, but i saw randomchance’s (formerly d1066 in case i get the name wrong hehehe) and it seemed to fit perfectly for what i have to say today, too.

i wrote my daughter a long email this morning, letting her know that i was going to be out of town and while i would love for her to go, i didn’t think she needed to be around the sadness and sickness and stuff and i hoped she had a really nice holiday.

this evening, i went to bellydancing class and had an awesome, if exhausting time. i think it’s time for me to move up to the next step, which is going to require more work from me, but damn, it’s painful =) now that i have developed abdominal muscles somewhat, the damn things can get sore, demmit. but, i am on my way to doing a killer belly roll and i do believe i can undulate. i don’t think it’s real pretty just yet, and still a little jiggly, but it is, after all, called bellydancing =) my arms are sore just typing this. ow.

so, i get home and no one but mom and sis are home and they have already eaten, so i open the door, mom in tow, to run and get myself something to eat. the door was opening when i got there and i assumed it was my son. i opened the door AND IT WAS MY DAUGHTER!!!!!!!! SHE SAID SHE WAS HOME FOR THE NIGHT!!!!! yes, i realize that was shouting, but DAMN am i happy. it’s a good thing i was going to the car, or she would have seen my happy tears, glistening. she would have rolled her eyes and wondered if it was wise for her to have come home. instead, i calmly and without missing a beat said "hey! good to see ya! do you want anything from del taco?" she says, "yeah, chicken soft tacos. i am going to grab a shower." "okies see you soon". and just like that, i was jubilant, in my car!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i don’t think i can adequately express the joy.

tonight, life is good, no matter what tomorrow brings.

peace. 

oh yeah….

and if all the heart-wrenching activity in the prior entry wasn’t enough, we think my mother-in-law is dying…

about ten years ago or so, she had a brain tumor and they took it out, essentially labotomizing her.

she was diagnosed with parkinson’s disease a little while ago (months, not years).

she falls down a lot.

she just got mobil again after some nasty water-on-the-brain, non-seeing, no motor skills thing.

last weekend, she fell down ths stairs again and landed on a statue at the bottom of the stairs and fractured three ribs and punctured a lung.

while the blood was in her lungs, she got pneumonia, and experienced respiratory failure.

she is now in the ICU and is telling her other kids to pull the plug on her. she doesn’t want to do this anymore, and she doesn’t want anyone to have to watch her die slowly of parkinsons. i told my husband that if she wants to give up, they should respect her enough to let her go, even if it hurts. dying with dignity is a big thing with me.

my husband left just now to go see his mom and assess the situation.

his dad is full of guilt because he didn’t take her to the hospital right away.

i will probably head to vegas this weekend to be with my husband after our other friend gets back into town so we will have some place to stay.

i don’t really know her well, but i know this is tearing my husband up and he’s going to need a lot of help and love dealing with this. and it’s still sad. she’s someone’s mom, and wife, and daughter and all that stuff. she’s a nice lady. she’s always been very loving and kind to me. she’s always sent cards at the appropriate time and made sure that we knew she cared. d says this was a huge change for her after the brain thing.

will keep everyone posted.

when it rains, it pours. 

progress….?

before anyone gets all hopeful and shit, don’t. she’s gone again, but i have a new approach and so far, it has born fruit.

she took off last night and i thought to myself "this is crazy".

so, i decided to take another approach. whatever else was happening, i had to find a way to reach my daughter. when we talked to her before, what we discovered, or what she said was that she was most afraid of being sent away. that we or someone else was going to lock her up again and she has made this in to a very real and tangible fear for her. using this information, i concluded that the way to get her to trust me again was to try to reach her on her level. in doing some serious thinking the past few days, i have come to the conclusion that it’s time to mourn my baby girl. perhaps what she wants is for me to see her as a young adult and NOT as my baby.

i had this lovely theory worked out that she was trying to befriend and save every dirtbag she could find because she was still blaming herself for her friends suicide a couple of years ago. i think that was a very romantic and plausible notion, but not necessarily true.

i sent her a message on myspace yesterday that said:

Hi Honey,
I know you were talking to folks on myspace last night. Below is a message I sent to a couple of your friends that I thought might be who you took off to see. Let’s work together to get you back home and take care of the things we need to take care of. I mean what I say. I haven’t called the cops yet, and I won’t, as long as I know you are safe. But I need to know that.

I am sure you had a good reason for taking off, and I am equally sure that when you said to me that you were going to stay home for awhile that you meant it. But then something came up. I understand that sometimes these things happen. I am not judging you and you won’t be in trouble, have privileges taken away, anything like that. I want to work with you on this. I am trusting you, now it’s your turn, just a little bit.

I hope that you get access to a computer to see this message today. I don’t really want to cancel that appointment at the ortho, I hope you will come see me so that we can go. Remember the appointment is at 4:10, so I’d like you to be here by 3:30 if you can make it. Everyone has responsibility, sweetie. . Right now, yours is to try to take care of your teeth. Please call me at work, there’s no way I can know where you are calling from if you call me there. I love you.

Mom

::::

Hi. I know that you don’t know me. I am girl’s mom. I don’t have any idea how well you know girl, but if you are in contact with her, or you see her or know how to get a hold of her, please have her message me here, and/or call me. If she calls me at my work number, there’s no way I can know where she’s calling from.

I need to know that girl is safe. I am not judging her, and I need her to know that I have not contacted the police yet. She doesn’t want to get sent away and I don’t want her to be sent away either. I love her and I am willing to work with her on this. I am sure there was a good reason for her to take off last night. What I need now is for her to contact me and let me know she is safe, and I need for her to let me know if she can make it to my work by 3:30pm so that we can make it to her orthodontist appointment. She needs to take care of her teeth.

If she does this, she isn’t going to be in trouble, and there aren’t going to be any cops or anything. All I am asking is that she talk to me about why she left when she’s ready so I can try to understand and we can work through this together. I am not going to grill her and I am not going to demand. This isn’t a trick. If Brianna looks at the profile attached to this message, she will see my picture and know that it’s really me.

Please feel free to let her read this if she is with you.

This is nothing more than a mother trying to maintain a connection with her child. A response from you or from Brianna as soon as possible is very much appreciated.

Thanks,
BR

:::::

i have been thinking a lot lately.

what is love? a parents love for their child is unconditional. i know this. i live it every day.

is it love to allow your child to do something that you know could be harmful to her? i would argue that it is, if the alternative, sticking to your guns and being a hardass, results in losing her forever by alienating her and driving her to leave the state or go farther away where you can’t find her. i would have thought at one point that this would be bad parenting. but you know what? the cops don’t care. it’s definately harder to do things this way.

she called me yesterday. i was so surprised i almost fell over in my chair. she got the email and something in it clicked with her. something that said "thank goodness". she said that she would go with me to the dentist appointment if i promised i wouldn’t pull any funny business. at this point, i just wanted to know she was okay and i wanted to help her in whatever way i could.

when she left, here’s the "note" she left behind:

"i don’t know why i keep leaving home, but i do. i love my mom so much and i don’t want to hurt her but i want to be on my own i guess is a lot of it. also what if the courts just say screw it and send me away anyways? i’m trying to figure out whether i should leave tonight or not. i want to but i love my mom and i don’t want to keep hurting her.  i do just fine on my own now, i really do. i have a million places to stay and tons of ways to get money. i never even spanged once my last time i was gone. if i leave tonight i’m going to try and write to my mom frequently and also call her from time to time if it’s possible. hopefully one day she will understand. if i run until i’m 18 i plan on taking my g.e.d. and then going to a community college somewhere. i don’t know where yet. i want to move to arizona, or possibly southern california. i’ll probably get a bus ticket down there so i’m at least not in town anymore. i do love my mom to death but i just want to be on my own. i love it. if you ever do read this mom, somehow, i do love you with all my heart but i’m so scared. i will call and write so that you know that i’m alive, i’ll try weekly at least this time. i would visit you but i know you would only call the cops. i DO love you, never forget that and hopefully one day i’ll come to my senses and come home to you. you’ve always been so good to me, but honestly right now i have no desire to stay at home. i love you always and please never think otherwise"

that note made me feel very hopeless. but, she wrote that before i sent my letter.

she wanted me to give, just a little bit, and i did.

she called me yesterday afternoon, and she made the move. she told me that she would go to the dentists. when she got here, we both rushed to talk. i told her i didn’t want to cramp her style, but there were a few things i needed from her. i asked her if she could try to check in with me once a day, at least and she said she would. iasked her if i allowed her to stay on her own, if she would do the things she needed to do, like be responsible and still go to school. she said that she would. she said she would keep appointments if i told her when they were. it was both our ideas for her to call me whenever she wants if she ever doesn’t have a place to stay. that’s the other non-negotiable. she can’t sleep outside because it isn’t safe. she said she would go to counseling with me.

this is better than nothing.

perhaps i was so intent on protecting her as my "baby", this is her rebellion. i have to keep her connected with me until i can get her help. she isn’t talking about leaving the state anymore.

one of the hardest things i have done is drop her off downtown last night after she got her braces off and let her walk away from my car.

but she hugged me, said she’d be in touch, and smiled at me.

i’ll take it.  

Update #1…the Weekend….

i had SO MUCH FUN this last weekend!!

i had decided awhile ago that i wanted to do this when the idea came up, and i have to say that when we first talked about it, i was trepidatious. a friend of mine was mentioning how much fun it is to go up to apple hill during the fall for all the apple and other neat sort of activities going on. i was skeptical. i was sort of wondering what there could possibly be to do and whether or not this would ACTUALLY be fun for me.

i needn’t have worried.

it was a fucking blast! i am ashamed to say that my entire life i have lived so close to this stuff, and have never gone and seen it. i drove past the spot where gold was discovered in california at sutter’s mill or sutter creek or something like that. it was interesting…the mill is still there. it’s all historical and stuff now. the drive was beautiful. the tail end of the fall colors were glorious. the roads were windy and i am not sure if i would drive them alone, a lot of the trip was cuvy and doing about 35 around very hard corners. but once we got in the area, it was just glorious. we bough asian pears and fresh preserves and YUM!!

oh, yeah, and did i mention the about million and a half wineries there are in this country? we found about half a dozen of them and tried probably three times that many wines. i am not a big wine drinker normally, but this was fun, fun, fun, and it’s all free. of course, you usually end up buying something just because the stuff is really good, or you can always find some trinket or something that’s useful. or FOOD. we even went tasting different olive oils and such. that was fun. i ended up with some jalapeno flavored olive oil that’s just to die for…it’s so good, and it’s HOT!

my favorite winery was called stone’s throw winery and it was just very festive. they had a very yummy champagne that i had to have, they also had a good chardonnay. we even managed a couple of places that also brewed beer. i was just a week or so ago watching a show on cable about how the personality of the wine maker is somehow imparted to the wine. from the experiences i had, this was definately true. we got to meet some of the folks who actually make the stuff and it was very interesting. seeing aged french oak or new oak casks and then getting to taste the differences this makes in the wines is pretty cool. seeing just acres and acres and acres of vines with grapes on them, also full of fall colors and such. rolling hills. just, gorgeous. made me wonder what the south of france or areas of italy look like. i do know that the views were glorious and awe-inspiring.

we ended up getting a really good room rate, just over $60 for a quaint little room. we all tried the wines and the beers and we all giggled uproariously and had good conversation and fun times with friends. after this weekend, i feel like one of the luckiest people ever. i feel this way because i have good, caring people in my life, and i know they love and care about me. i felt nurtured and i FELT laughter this weekend. it was needed. the heaviness and worry were still there, but they were at least at the back of my mind rather than the front. believe it or not, that makes a huge difference. huge, i say.

life is good, because i am privileged enough to be able to experience things such as this.

peace. 

Update #2…the girl….

so yesterday, i got an email from one of my daughters friends saying she knew where my daughter was, where she had been staying, and letting me know how sorry she was about everything that was happening.

later that day, the friend and another friend of brianna’s who has really become a friend of my families, came over. they said they were going to go look for my daughter. they said this, but one of the girls had on a mini skirt and it was cold out last night. it was really cold. my sister got a flat tire as she was going to work yesterday morning, so we had to go get her tires fixed. we picked up her car, and i had these two girls with me. on a whim, we went downtown where we thought my daughter might be, and we found her. we chased her down over a few blocks. the adrenaline was amazing. she ended up trying to hide in a catholic church and as many pervert priests will tell you, you can’t hide in a catholic church =P they found her, and she spent some time talking to the priest and i could hear her crying. finally, the priest brought her to me, and we talked for a bit, then she just got in the car and came home with me.

at this point, i don’t know what to say or what to do. everything everyone has told me to do sucks, it hasn’t worked. i have tried being kind and compassionate, i have tried being a hardass and neither of those things has done very well. so, i decided to shoot from the hip. to take her at her word. she says the thing she is the most afraid of is being locked up. i talked to her about how illogical it was to keep running away because she didn’t want to be sent away. i told her that i had no interest in really sending her away, what i want is for her to be safe. she said she understood that. the cop told her that he was going to recommend she be sent to a reform school in elko. when he said this, she started crying. she doesn’t want to be sent away. we both stressed to her that if she didn’t want this, it was up to her to change behavior to keep this from happening.

i woke her up this morning, she was still here, and she came to work with me. i will call her school today and see when the next session starts, and we will go from there. all i can do is do the best that i can. for now, she is home. she is safe.

i am glad.

peace. 

still struggling….

had a good cry this morning….

was talking to one of b’s friends online last night. i guess she hadn’t been aware to the extent which the boy in her life was abusive. when she took off and we were cleaning out her room, we found a note that she wrote to him that makes me sad in ways i can hardly express. she wrote about physical violence, i assume (she said "hit"), and punishment as though those were normal, every day things. based on what was in the letter, she had to have written it september 29, which tells me she is in a very dangerous place emotionally.

her friend who’s house she was at this time when she ran away said she got into a fight with b and she tried to calm her down, but b basically said she didn’t care about anything or anybody, but she just had to go.

i keep thinking back to what i could have done differently. there are a lot of things, but thinking like that won’t bring those times back to the present to rework them, it will just make me crazy from the desire to do so. the trick, i suppose is to learn whatever lessons i can from what we’ve been through so far and carry on.

i think my body has gone into a full body pout mode. i generally cycle around the new moon, but i have been eating terribly about the last week and i need to get back on track. i need to keep my body healthy and not-run down as the season elongates into winter or i am going to be more prone to sickness, and i believe there is a body/mind link that makes the health of each affect the other.

i don’t think i have ever been more thankful in my life that i had something to make me feel light and beautiful, in bellydancing. i need that so much. i am thinking of picking up a yoga class one night a week to sort of complete the circle, as it were. the stretching would do me good and keep me in a good routine. i need to find one that doesn’t cost too much money and that’s reasonably close to my house. there has to be something around here. i will find it. and keep dancing and moving. it really does help my body….it feels good.

i am also progressing with magickal study. i want to do this. i need to split my emotional energy between the situation with b and this magickal study. because having my brain focus on only one thing is very dangerous. i am analytical by nature and not having things to occupy my mind is dangerous. i will second-guess myself into psychosis if the only thing i think about is the situation with b.

both d and i have been resting well lately. things seem stable between us, but the stress of the b thing seems to permeate everything i do. it’s like there’s this heavy weight in the center of my chest that lifts a little when i dance, but is constantly there. i remember feeling this way the last time she was institutionalized too. it went away when i thought she was doing well, but i wonder now if that was false and i will always worry about her this way. i need to learn how to let this go. she is her own sentient being and whatever mistakes i might have made, she is now making her own decisions. i just wish there were some way i could help her, or that she would let me. i think one of the things that hurts me the most is that i don’t know when i became the enemy? i have always been available for her to talk to, confide in me, and she has never done that. i am sure it also has to do with the fact that i made an assumption that we would be close because me and my mom were close, but that appears to have been in error. i feel like she’s never given me the chance to be there for her. towards the end there, i had to set some limits for her that i think might have driven her further away, but someone has to be the parent. i want us to get through this, i want her to stay safe. an inordinate amount of my energy is spent trying to imagine where she is and provide a protective bubble around her to keep her safe.

this is where my brain is at today. scattered and frazzled. i am glad i cried, though, i think i needed to do that.

peace. 

one fine day….

i decided that if i keep dwelling on this stuff, it’s going to make me crazy. i wonder regarding my daughter and where we both might have gone wrong, but i have never really been one to dwell on negative things. i will trust that this is part of the journey she must take to make her who she is supposed to be. i think during this whole thing, even though i have said the words, it’s been hard for me to let go of thinking this was not about me. this is about her. she isn’t making good decisions. i need to keep repeating this to myself because her whole life i have been responsible for her. but she is her own sentient being, even if her brain isn’t fully developed, she obviously thinks it is. enough about that….

i started reading in a little more depth chris penczak’s inner temple book this weekend. i really like, so far, the way he puts things. in magickal study, it always seemed very odd to me that here you would be, on initiation path, and doing these rituals and stuff without developing one’s own psychic abilities first. and really, if a priestess hasn’t taught or helped you develop those abilities, then how do they know where you are at in your process? my sense is that these things take an individual amount of time and are things that need to be observed by each person. i have been part of two covens before, and left them both because i didn’t feel like they stimulated my intellectual curiosity or my sense of being a part of something larger. it was merely rote memorization and going through the motions, and if you asked "why?" the priestess got mad at you for questioning her. ummm, no. i don’t learn well like that. hell, i coulda stayed a catholic if i wanted to recite a bunch of words i memorized.

anyway, on with the journey.

i think that’s about all that’s in there this morning. i need to go and get some coffee, and probably should do something approaching work, since i am being paid to be here.

today will be a good day because i will it to be so.

peace. 

new record…..

my daughter was home about six hours this time.

how do you tell someone that jail is a lot less comfortable than some "safe place" for teens? where her friends are?

i guess some lessons have to be learned personally. let’s hope she makes it that far.

whatever. 

Just Say No….

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother
that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a
transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful,
tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not
let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken
away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever
had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left
me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be
able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before
graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found
out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want
to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore,
nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now
live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow
suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is
also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn
to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid
to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until
someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon
as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much
better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don’t
believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong 

here we go again…..

yesterday morning, i got a call from a local "safe place" for teens saying my daughter had been taken there by the police because they had found her sleeping in a park. oh joy. the park was less than a mile from my house. she had a mental health evaluation, and the lady called me and said she thinks b needs residential treatment, but she’s not sure what i should do because my insurance sucks the big green weenie. she told me to take her to the place where she was last time, atc. so i guess that’s on the agenda for today.

i am reading the book, and it makes sense to me, but that doesn’t mean i like it. so far, all it has done is explained the new "cult of cool" and talk about how children try to find familial relationships with their peers because their parents are too busy. except that we aren’t and haven’t been. nothing in this book has been a shock to me, except the apparent amorality that these children are growing up with. he says that children really see no great distinction between right and wrong. umm, wow.

i feel very helpless and very alone. a part of me wants to go and pick her up from this place, look at her and say "where do you want to go?" "i give up" "you win". then to say "you know you SHOULD go home and get your life back together, but i am not going to force you to do anything. so, what is it?" i can’t keep living like this, on this emotional roller coaster. this book is telling me that my child feels abandoned, but wtf? i have been one of the most involved parents i know.

the lonliness is what’s getting to me right now. and to get home and have a beer-addled coparent annoys me. i know that sounds really mean, but come on. beer or substances of any kind are a woefully inadequate coping mechanism. maybe i am just lashing out at everything and everyone because i don’t know what to do. i do know that my stomach has a penetrating, deep ache in it when i think about things with my daughter. i felt like i was just getting back on track and starting to feel normal again and she pulled the rug out from under me again.

she can only stay at the "safe place" for 72 hours. i don’t know what we are going to do when that time is up. right now, i haven’t got a clue.

peace.