well, well, well….

no, no word on the daughter yet.

the weather has been blustery, rainy and cold. overall, a most inconvenient time to be homeless, one would think. it should snow soon. all she had with her when she left were the clothes on her back, which consisted of a 3/4 sleeve baseball shirt and a pair of faded and thin jeans torn wide open in one knee. and a pair of sneakers and a pair of socks.

when she was in oregon, she was in ashland. she liked it there a lot, and i think if she can find a way, she will go back there. it rains a lot in ashland, hence the greenery that makes it look like an english countryside. i have really fond memories of ashland from my own youth. not as a homeless teenager roaming the streets, but rather as a curious young bookwormish, nerdy brainiac, who had been taken there as a reward by her honors english teacher. had the time of my life.

*ring* (goes my phone last night, near 8:00p.m.)

"hello?"

"hi, i am trying to reach (hippychick). this is oneofthevoicemailphd’s and you left me a message? i am returning your call. how can i help you?"

"to be perfectly honest, you cannot help me at all right now. my daughter is gone again. the time to have helped would have been the brief moments that i held her, apparently captive, until monday, when i dropped her off at school and she could again escape from my evil clutches."

"oh dear. i am very sorry to hear that. i can’t imagine what you could possibly be going through."

"yeah. i get that a lot…."

and so the conversation began. let me state, for the record, that i do realize that this is misplaced anger, and that i am placing it on people who perhaps do not deserve it, but if i do not do something with it, i will surely drive myself insane.

i will say that i enjoyed talking to this woman. she recommended that i read a book called "the second family". i looked it up on amazon.com this morning and bought it and two others, one of which was "yes, your teen is crazy" that will, hopefully, explain to me the brain chemistry that is perpetuating this current drama in my life.

for the first time since this whole debacle started, i felt like someone HEARD me.

it ended with "well, i still have your number. when she resurfaces, we will be sure to get back in touch."

my goal was to not cry today. it went down in flames, probably less than two hours after i made it. while ya know, reading the descriptions of those books telling me that my child is insane, but it isn’t her fault, her brain isn’t capable of making good choices or decisions right now. well, there is some comfort in that, then. i always laughed when i read about those parents who claimed their children had been abducted by aliens some time after their children turned 13 and returned them somewhere between 16 and 22. now i understand what they meant. my only hope is that she lives long enough and doesn’t do too much permanent damage to herself, her education, or her body before her brain develops.

i don’t know what i am supposed to think or feel about this. i know that i never thought something like this would happen to me. because i thought i had shown my children all the appropriate love and understanding to see them safely through being a teen. oh well. so much for that theory, which proves even more my theory on parenthood being an absolute, complete, and total crap shoot. some people love their children and do everything for it, and still get shit on when their children become the jeffrey dahmer and porn stars of the world…..and others abuse their children in heinous and unthinkable ways and those children grow up to be scientists and doctors and nobel prize winners. okay, then. that train of thought is too depressing to even continue.

so, guess what’s perpetually on my mind? yeah.

i am about a third of the way through the fifth harry potter book now. it’s much different. darker. i don’t think that’s bad, because that’s often how life happens, in great waves of joy and sorrow, but i am not sure i am in the state of mine to appreciate that darkness just now. it is, however, an excellent read, i believe.

i think that’s about all i have to say today.

i do have one final thought, but i believe that i will make that it’s own entry.

peace.