more saga…

i feel better about things right now than i have in awhile. we went to our counseling session yesterday, and the counselor was very hard on her. it pained me to see it, but another part of me was enjoying seeing her struggle because i think she deserves to feel bad about some of the things she’s done.

the counselor said she thought that b needed to be in a residential treatment center. she asked me if that’s what i wanted and i told her i wanted b to behave in a safe and consistent manner, and if the treatment center was the way to do it, then i was all for it. i told b i knew this was hard, she had no idea how hard it was on me, but that i thought it needed to be this way. that i need her to understand how unacceptable this behavior from her is and how much it hurts everyone.

i also had more information than she did. my primary insurance is an hmo. if you know anything about insurance, you know they can be real bastards. the counselor was talking about sending her to the acute care mental health center. i knew there was no way the insurance was going to approve that admittance because she wasn’t suicidal or in immediate crisis, she’s basically just being a defiant asshole. but she didn’t know the insurance wasn’t going to do it, she thought she was going. for whatever reason, between what the counselor said to her and her thinking she was going back to that place, it finally seemed to sink in for her that she really messed up and this isn’t a joke anymore. she got pretty hysterical crying, and it was tough to be there and see and watch. when we got to the hospital, the counselor called me back and let me know she wouldn’t be admitted, which i knew, but to tell b that we were going to give her another chance. she was so thankful, she’s been like a different kid. she’s been talkative to me, and she knows if she messes up again, it won’t be the hospital, but jail that keeps her. goddess, i hope that doesn’t happen. i am hopeful and scared all at the same time.

i am feeling better about things. this morning, we got her enrolled at her new school and she started there. she’s already called me once to check in and let me know she’s still there. i honestly don’t think she had thought about how much this was hurting all of us until the counselor told her she was treating her whole family shabbily.

we watched football together last night at a friends house, and things seem to be less tense. i would not be surprised if she did it again, but i have to have hope that she really does want to do and be good things. that some of the stuff i have tried to teach her has gotten through.

by ten last night, i was emotionally exhausted to the degree i haven’t been in a very, very long time. it was all i could do to collapse in bed, and then i had a hard time turning my brain off.

today feels more fresh. crisp, cool, fall is here. the colors are turning, the leaves are falling, and hopefully this is the turning of a new leaf for the child.

just trying to keep those that care, updated.

peace.