today’s babble

okay, now for today’s morning thoughts.

i am feeling better about things, as much as possible.

i feel like such a drama queen, sometimes, because i am way guilty of thinking that when something occurs that hurts me, it’s all about me. i was reminded, talking to that phd woman, that this isn’t about me, it’s about her. whether i like it or not, it doesn’t have a lot to do with me. even though that isn’t very comforting, it does help.

i am worried for her safety, but she will make poor choices if they seem like good ones to her and all i can really do is be here when she crashes and burns. if i get her back against her will she will run again and the inept system that exists will continue to do nothing to help me. at least if she ends up in jail, we will know where she is. i suppose at this point, my worst fear is that the state will take her from me and that when she is caught again, she will go to a reform school or something. i think that would be bad for her, but she has made the choices that have gotten her to this place. it’s really too bad, but i cannot save her from herself.

it’s still cold and rainy out.

one of b’s friends who has really become a friend of our family is very sweet. she brought us some stuff yesterday and said if she saw b, it would be very hard for her not to "kick her ass" because of what she’s putting us through. i suppose it’s much easier to see when other people do things like that to their families than when you do it. let’s just say this girl is no angel, but she’s a good girl.

dancing yesterday was awesome. i vascillate between thinking i suck really bad, and thinking i am okay. i hate those little flappy pieces of fat that jiggle on the undersides of my arms. i want to make them go away. i guess i need to do some work with weights to make that happen. i am a damn office worker, and i have wings =) since the sciatic problem resolved itself, i have been rejoicing in being able to move my hips again. i have been practicing mayas in ten round bursts when i think of it. i am hoping this will strengthen muscles and give me greater control. last week we started learning this cane routine that i adore. i hope she doesn’t stop teaching it to us. i kind of wish i could afford to take private lessons from her, i bet that would be fun. i bought a bag from her last night, but it’s too small for what i need it for.

i forgot my harry potter book today, which means i might have to actually work today. i do some of that anyway, but it’s just so cool to distract myself with harry potter instead =) i guess i will have to surf the internet today, instead. maybe watch the trailer for the new harry potter movie…..

those are today’s thoughts.

i wish they weren’t so glum.

today’s wish continues to be that i not cry. housesitting for friends through the weekend, just d and i. will be nice to have time alone, but i feel recently that he doesn’t really want time alone with me. that’s okay, i suppose i can deal with that.

peace.