still no word…

today, this evening, tonight, she will have been gone for a week.

i had a horrible dream/vision last night that i had to go to the police station, like something out of CSI and identify her body. i hope this doesn’t happen.

i have been so freaked out that i forgot my mom had a medical procedure this morning. because of my heightened emotional state, this made me burst in to tears. i walked to the hospital from my job (only a couple of blocks) so that my mom wouldn’t have to be alone for her procedure. she had been pretty freaked out about it.

all this emotional upheaval is taking it’s toll on me. i try hard not to be, but i am more irritable at work, more likely to snap at people, be annoyed. shorter fuse. maybe it’s me that’s going to end up on medication for the short term. there’s just this weight of heaviness on me all the time, wondering if she is okay. hoping she is. being conflicted because part of me wants her to learn a painful lesson, but not one that will damage her for life, cause her permanent physical harm, or ruin her life…..this is very hard.

last night at bellydancing, our teacher told us that her daughter, who will be 21 this weekend, has cervical cancer. that’s very sad too. she’s a very beautiful and talented girl.

i am trying really hard to stay sane. it’s getting more and more difficult. it seems sometimes like i am addicted to drama, but i don’t think i ask for the sort of drama i get. sometimes i suppose i do, but i sure didn’t know my child was going to take off…or be mentally ill.

when i saw her counselor this week, she told me that if b comes back, she should be placed as soon as possible into an in-patient treatment center. b had said to me what her worse fear was being locked up again, but i don’t know what else to do. if i keep letting her run away, one of these times, she’s not going to come back and there’s nothing i can really do about it. it’s good and proper for children to have rights, but what happens when they have more rights than the parents who are charged with ensuring their safety? one of those social conundrums, i suppose.

despite all this doom and gloom, things aren’t horrible with me. in general, i am good, there is just an over-arcing curtain of sadness that seems to color everything i do and put a gray haze over it. and worrying constantly can’t be healthy. i have managed to sleep well the last few nights, but still peppered with disturbing and scary dreams about all the horrible things that could happen to her.

today is just sad, for me.

peace.