days going on….

this next few weeks are going to be a roller coaster ride for me, even more than usual. first and foremost, barely halfway through it, i am already mourning the end of the current harry potter saga. i know this sounds silly, but it has consumed a great amount of my time lately, and really, rather kept me sane. it’s been the greatest and one of the most harmless forms of escapism ever. reading has always been good escapism for me. i always get sad when i finish something that has been an on-going thing for me. bah!

then, on friday is my mom’s angioplasty procedure. i don’t remember whether or not i’ve written about that. i think i’ve mentioned it. the veins in her legs are clogged, so this is an attempt to fix it. i hope all is well for her. she is excited about being pain free, but is nervous about the procedure. i will be there with her, of course, and will take care of her.

next week, on tuesday, my son gets his braces off, after about three and a half years. he wore them so long because of his own stubbornness…he refused to wear his mouth thing and he didn’t like wearing his rubber bands. so, tuesday he gets them off and gets impressions taken for his retainers, then on thursday, we actually go back to get the retainers. it should be very interesting. i want to be there to see the results of my ten thousand dollars too. i think it will be awesome. i want to get a message to my daughter that she should also get hers taken off, before she does more permanent damage to her teeth by not taking care of them and having the braces on. that makes me sad, but i will never be sorry i did that for my kids. maybe they will thank me later, i am not counting on anything these days when it comes to kids. heh. me? bitter? nahhhhhh….hehehe.

then, me and a friend have decided to do some course work in pagan studies. it should be interesting. i have to do a journal for that, so i am debating whether or not to use an online journal, or whether to use a paper one. a paper one would probably be more work and my hands would hurt. but i have a couple of those already anyway. i am still pondering that.

other than that, life is pretty tame. no word from my daughter yet. as i see our temperatures dipping down into the 30’s at night, it pains me that she might be sleeping outside, but i keep telling myself that these are the choices she is making. i suppose in some respects i have been too successful a parent, if success is defined as having self-assured teenagers. she is definately taking charge of her own life. i just hope she doesn’t have to pay for the rest of her life because of the mistakes she’s making now. many of us do and are. i should get my books today or tomorrow…they are in transit. i am anxious to read them, but i don’t think they will tell me many things i don’t already know, i think things like that are designed to help people dealing with those issues feel better and not so alone because other people wrote books about it. cynical much? hehehe

so, that’s it for now.

peace.

wow….

today i am feeling like this much relaxation must be against the law. all weekend it has just been me and my honey. it’s been pretty cool. i think this has given us a taste of what it will be like when it’s just the two of us. i think we have both enjoyed it, although for me there were some tense moments yesterday when d wanted to be chatty cathy while i was in the last five pages of the fifth harry potter book. now, we spend most of our time together, but damn….when i see he’s at the end of a book, i try to give him space and be considerate. it was a minor wrinkle, generally speaking.

i cooked us dinner last night. it’s amazing how much less you have to cook when you aren’t feeding an army. heh.

the book was good, but darker than the others. i think i remember reading some sort of fervor such as that, but  it’s certainly true. of course, the realist in me says "WTF, do ya think life is all roses and lollypops?" ummm, no. cynical me. heh.

i have had some word about my daughter. she has a lot of people around who care about her, but she doesn’t seem to care about any of us. i know she is still with the weasle, which discourages me heartily. we have had some phone calls from the kids who care for her, and while that’s good, it means she is okie, but by the same token, it means she is still in denial about the destructive way her life is going. it makes me very sad that she is making these poor choices.

that’s all for today, so far.

peace.

today’s babble

okay, now for today’s morning thoughts.

i am feeling better about things, as much as possible.

i feel like such a drama queen, sometimes, because i am way guilty of thinking that when something occurs that hurts me, it’s all about me. i was reminded, talking to that phd woman, that this isn’t about me, it’s about her. whether i like it or not, it doesn’t have a lot to do with me. even though that isn’t very comforting, it does help.

i am worried for her safety, but she will make poor choices if they seem like good ones to her and all i can really do is be here when she crashes and burns. if i get her back against her will she will run again and the inept system that exists will continue to do nothing to help me. at least if she ends up in jail, we will know where she is. i suppose at this point, my worst fear is that the state will take her from me and that when she is caught again, she will go to a reform school or something. i think that would be bad for her, but she has made the choices that have gotten her to this place. it’s really too bad, but i cannot save her from herself.

it’s still cold and rainy out.

one of b’s friends who has really become a friend of our family is very sweet. she brought us some stuff yesterday and said if she saw b, it would be very hard for her not to "kick her ass" because of what she’s putting us through. i suppose it’s much easier to see when other people do things like that to their families than when you do it. let’s just say this girl is no angel, but she’s a good girl.

dancing yesterday was awesome. i vascillate between thinking i suck really bad, and thinking i am okay. i hate those little flappy pieces of fat that jiggle on the undersides of my arms. i want to make them go away. i guess i need to do some work with weights to make that happen. i am a damn office worker, and i have wings =) since the sciatic problem resolved itself, i have been rejoicing in being able to move my hips again. i have been practicing mayas in ten round bursts when i think of it. i am hoping this will strengthen muscles and give me greater control. last week we started learning this cane routine that i adore. i hope she doesn’t stop teaching it to us. i kind of wish i could afford to take private lessons from her, i bet that would be fun. i bought a bag from her last night, but it’s too small for what i need it for.

i forgot my harry potter book today, which means i might have to actually work today. i do some of that anyway, but it’s just so cool to distract myself with harry potter instead =) i guess i will have to surf the internet today, instead. maybe watch the trailer for the new harry potter movie…..

those are today’s thoughts.

i wish they weren’t so glum.

today’s wish continues to be that i not cry. housesitting for friends through the weekend, just d and i. will be nice to have time alone, but i feel recently that he doesn’t really want time alone with me. that’s okay, i suppose i can deal with that.

peace.

well, well, well….

no, no word on the daughter yet.

the weather has been blustery, rainy and cold. overall, a most inconvenient time to be homeless, one would think. it should snow soon. all she had with her when she left were the clothes on her back, which consisted of a 3/4 sleeve baseball shirt and a pair of faded and thin jeans torn wide open in one knee. and a pair of sneakers and a pair of socks.

when she was in oregon, she was in ashland. she liked it there a lot, and i think if she can find a way, she will go back there. it rains a lot in ashland, hence the greenery that makes it look like an english countryside. i have really fond memories of ashland from my own youth. not as a homeless teenager roaming the streets, but rather as a curious young bookwormish, nerdy brainiac, who had been taken there as a reward by her honors english teacher. had the time of my life.

*ring* (goes my phone last night, near 8:00p.m.)

"hello?"

"hi, i am trying to reach (hippychick). this is oneofthevoicemailphd’s and you left me a message? i am returning your call. how can i help you?"

"to be perfectly honest, you cannot help me at all right now. my daughter is gone again. the time to have helped would have been the brief moments that i held her, apparently captive, until monday, when i dropped her off at school and she could again escape from my evil clutches."

"oh dear. i am very sorry to hear that. i can’t imagine what you could possibly be going through."

"yeah. i get that a lot…."

and so the conversation began. let me state, for the record, that i do realize that this is misplaced anger, and that i am placing it on people who perhaps do not deserve it, but if i do not do something with it, i will surely drive myself insane.

i will say that i enjoyed talking to this woman. she recommended that i read a book called "the second family". i looked it up on amazon.com this morning and bought it and two others, one of which was "yes, your teen is crazy" that will, hopefully, explain to me the brain chemistry that is perpetuating this current drama in my life.

for the first time since this whole debacle started, i felt like someone HEARD me.

it ended with "well, i still have your number. when she resurfaces, we will be sure to get back in touch."

my goal was to not cry today. it went down in flames, probably less than two hours after i made it. while ya know, reading the descriptions of those books telling me that my child is insane, but it isn’t her fault, her brain isn’t capable of making good choices or decisions right now. well, there is some comfort in that, then. i always laughed when i read about those parents who claimed their children had been abducted by aliens some time after their children turned 13 and returned them somewhere between 16 and 22. now i understand what they meant. my only hope is that she lives long enough and doesn’t do too much permanent damage to herself, her education, or her body before her brain develops.

i don’t know what i am supposed to think or feel about this. i know that i never thought something like this would happen to me. because i thought i had shown my children all the appropriate love and understanding to see them safely through being a teen. oh well. so much for that theory, which proves even more my theory on parenthood being an absolute, complete, and total crap shoot. some people love their children and do everything for it, and still get shit on when their children become the jeffrey dahmer and porn stars of the world…..and others abuse their children in heinous and unthinkable ways and those children grow up to be scientists and doctors and nobel prize winners. okay, then. that train of thought is too depressing to even continue.

so, guess what’s perpetually on my mind? yeah.

i am about a third of the way through the fifth harry potter book now. it’s much different. darker. i don’t think that’s bad, because that’s often how life happens, in great waves of joy and sorrow, but i am not sure i am in the state of mine to appreciate that darkness just now. it is, however, an excellent read, i believe.

i think that’s about all i have to say today.

i do have one final thought, but i believe that i will make that it’s own entry.

peace. 

my other thought….

it makes me sad beyond words that all the "peace" groups in the country have been holding constant vigil, waiting for the 2000nth casualty of this war so they could "protest" around it. the only difference between a protest and a celebration is context. does this not seem even a little macabre to anyone else? perhaps it’s just my state of mind, currently, but it totally creeped me out to get email messages hanging on that 2000nth death, in anticipation.

ew.

peace.

to some it’s just a concept.

the system sucketh major ass….

that’s right.

my daughter should not be gone right now, where i do not know where she is.

beaurocracy sucks. it sucks so bad, it makes me a bitter, horrible person =)

i tried to make phone calls yesterday to get my daughter some services. sunday night, we got her back. she was surly and she tried to run. her friends are the one’s that got her for us, and called us. we tried to take her to juvenile hall, and they wouldn’t take her because "all" she was was a runaway. they told us to take her to this place called the mcgee center. it’s supposed to be a "safe place" for kids…which basically translates into, unlocked and unsecure. they can run away from there. they told me it would be good for me to drive over there monday morning and pick her up for school because they could not arrange bus transport on such short notice. no one told me that they had a school option there or that kids usually stay at the mcgee center once they are there. no one. so i did what they told me to and she took off again from school.

while i was there, she had a mental health evaluation. the counselor was very helpful and gave me numbers to call the next day. problem is, my sucky hmo health-insurance has zero of the people recommended on a provider list, so going to any of the people recommended essentially means paying all charges out of pocket. yeah, currently, psychiatrists go for what? $200 an hour? oh, and never mind that either, because she has to go see a therapist before they will recommend her to see a psychiatrist. they gave me three names. i got three voice mails. one called back and could give an appointment in about three weeks. because, you know, when people go into crisis, they should schedule these things. how dare they not know in advance that they are going to need services immediately? apparently, breakdowns have to be preauthorized too.

she was recommended to a residential treatment center. i called them and also got voicemail. i called at 9am. she called me back about 4….after b was already gone again. i have reported her as a runaway seven times in the last 30 days and no one will help me. she has to be a criminal too, or the police won’t get involved, but if i don’t call and keep getting case numbers from the police, no one else will help me and i can be held criminally liable for not doing everything i can to get my child back.

so now, i just cry.

a lot.

frustration is mine.

i feel myself giving up. no one will help me, us, my family. everyone assumes you have information you just don’t have. the last cop that came to the house said if she kept running away, we shouldn’t keep calling the cops to our house, we should go to the substation to fill out the reports. because, you know, it’s just a runaway and they aren’t going to do anything to look for her anyway. on account of the fact that they get SO MANY OF THESE EVERY SINGLE DAY. yes, they actually said that to us.

i feel myself giving up on her. she wins. i can’t look anymore, i don’t know where she is, except that she’s with the weasle and i hear now they have plans to run away together again. i fear for her safety, and i fear for her ability to remain disease free because this boy has cheated on her several times. but there’s nothing i can do. she has more rights than i do in the system, but i am still accountable for her behavior, legally.

so, can i schedule my own breakdown for sometimes next june? will there be an appointment available then, that i can have preauthorized, fill out the forms in quadruplicate, and have my copay ready to go? oh, that’s right, they don’t preauth that far in advance.

damn.

there you have it, then. 

gone again….

my daughter took off again this morning.

here we go again.

is it possible to become desensitized to this sort of thing? i still cry, but i really wanted to hurt her last night. frustration is mine.

such is life.

peace. 

is?

is hanging on to these pages further proof of the many ways in which i refuse to let go of ego? of my own ego? do these words that are here define who i am? in a sense they do, but am i clinging stubbornly to that concept to avoid moving on to perhaps bigger and better things? i just don’t know….

so, yeah, that last thing was kind of weird. i was reading on a tribe thing the other day, and got invited to this yahoo group called "evolve". i joined it, and that’s what someone posted. i often wonder if we are the ones who stand in the way of our own happiness most.

i have also been having a lot of conversations lately regarding spirituality and divinity. interesting stuff, that. i am a bad pagan because i think that gods and goddesses are something that humans need to define the universal life force that unites all living creatures. all of that is a choice. you CHOOSE who to identify with.

deep thoughts for a friday, eh?

have a good weekend, everyone.

peace. 

a parable…

perhaps you’ve heard this story…..

When I was 16 I walked 5 miles to and 5 miles from school each day.
Once, heading home, the violent urge to defecate began its
screaming. Too late to turn back! Now how to turn this to my
advantage?

Shit in the woods! Be a natural man, careless of society’s grid!
Too easy. Time to pull together and give some commands to the
flesh. After all — who could doubt the need for strength of
Intentionality?

Still 3 miles to go, but I would make it without so much as a tremor
in my stride. It quaked & shivered. I held on.

Then the awful thought: How proud I was of my little self-
overcoming! Yet this deed was totally understandable to everyone,
totally acceptable. What was I really overcoming? The sensible
options – both civilised and bestial – occurred in me with reactive
automaticity.

I thought of Jesus saying "If you love those who love you — what
more do you do than anyone else?" I was just making the same little
attempt at self-control that every half-wit self-evolver tries.
What a miniscule victory to do this utterly acceptable act of self-
overcoming.

I resolved to shit in my pants as I walked. This was a truly
difficult task and took many rounds of "command" before body & mind
would obey. In this way I gained a first small insight into the
insidious way that the efficacy of our efforts is limited by the
social fabric in which we’re embedded. Perhaps you can sympathize
with the difficulty of this deed. If not, then: god bless ye,
savage.

Here is what I have learned therefore:

A person will gladly surrender chemical addiction before
surrendering the habit of toe-tapping. The entire society applauds
the first deed and dismisses the second. The viability of the self-
efforts involved reflects this. A person will wear himself into the
ground before giving up tipping waitresses (or not tipping them —
as the case may be). He or she will be nailed to the cross rather
than resolve to stop automatically duplicating catchy music in their
minds. A person will sacrifice a lover long before sacrificing
casual conversations. They will live out in the wilderness like
animals before they make the slightest effort to stop chuckling at
things.

We hide from sacrifice by imagining the great deeds of surrender.
All the while we keep eating our candies and watching bad sitcoms,
alternating this behaviour with fasts, retreats and adventures. The
one justifies the other. We are leaking away our developmental
energy everyday, every hour, in small, innocent ways. We must learn
a new instinct against this innocence. We must grow to condemn it
with a good conscience. I don’t mean our bad habits, I mean our
innocent habits. Anyone will automatically feel "against" their bad
habits. Most smokers will tell you they know it’s bad for them.
These are things we like. Things that are easy. Things that
everyone does and thus takes for granted as the basic and natural
stuff of life. This is where the limited self hides out — in
little enjoyment, little discharges, even in understandable,
obviously true "ideas" about the comprehensive nature of evolution.

True ideas that come easily to mind and flow easily into internet
forums – these are no better than utterly wrong & false ideas.

discuss amongst yourselves……hahahahahahahahaha 

she made it…..

well, yesterday was b’s first test of independence and regained trust. her task was to take the bus home, buy herself a bus pass, and then make it home. this made me feel better. am i ready to give her back her cell phone and pretend everything’s fine? not on your life….but it’s a start.

in other news, i have been apathetic and somewhat sad lately. not sure what this funk is, just that i am in one.

the days here are very fall-like. the mornings are very cool, in the mid-30’s to low 40’s, and it warms up to the 70’s during the day. what a range!

last weekend i went to a bellydance open floor thing, not sure if i mentioned that or not. tonight is my class with that teacher. i was going to go to another one, but at the last minute i discovered how broke i was and we couldn’t really afford it. that’s okay, though, there will be another time. i am debating now whether or not to move to the intermediate classes for bellydancing. i think i will stay in these ones for the time being. i will reevaluate after the holidays. i think i might take the advanced on on fridays next spring. and with nahlah’s classes, i just have to pay $10 more a month to go to her other class. hers is a performance troup, though, and i am worried about that because i don’t think i feel good enough to dance in front of people yet. and yet, when i do, like when she pulls me up on the stage, then i love it. but that doesn’t have all my fat hanging out, it’s just me in street clothes pretending i have rhythm. heh.

i also went on a hike last weekend. we did two hours and estimate about six miles. that was good.

at some point over the weekend, i pinched a nerve or something in my lower back. it really affected me. it’s like nothing from the waist down was functioning properly….i felt bloated, constipated (TMI, i know) and had a hard time twisting. felt sort of sciatic in nature, but deeper. it seems to have started loosening now, thanks to a half of one of d’s flexoril last night, but THAT zonked me out majorly. but it did help the nerve. anyway, glad THAT’S on the mend….i haven’t experienced something that intense before. perhaps this is a karma hit for being less-than-sympathetic towards d at times when his back is bothering him. if it was, this made me a believer, so enough, already =)

that’s about all for me right now. more later, if i can or if i feel like it =)

peace. 

one week down…..

and my daughter is still home.

i had a long talk with her on friday, and i hope that she understands some things more now than she did before. the first is that i am very firm on her not seeing the boy who drove her on this grand adventure again for the foreseeable future. he treated her badly. i explained to her that guys who cheat can give you diseases. it’s one thing if it’s an honest, open relationship and everyone’s being careful. but if you don’t know what someone else’s sexual activity is, then you absolutely have to protect yourself from getting funky, bad diseases. i told her she deserved better than that, and made her repeat it after me. maybe, someday, she will believe it.

i am glad she is still home. this weekend, we switched her room with that of my son, so that she would be right next to us and less able to get out of the house without us noticing. i hate that i have to do this to keep an eye on her. i guess no one ever said this whole thing would be easy. if they did, they lied.

my weekend was pretty good. i have been making my way through the harry potter books, and this weekend, i finished reading the third year book. it was very good. then i watched the movie, which was okay, but reading the books definately makes you see how limited a media film can be. they, i am sure, out of necessity, had to leave so much out of the movie that was in the book, it was almost sad.

i just started the fourth book. anxious to read it, because from here on out, there are no more movies that have been released yet. i had this vague feeling while reading the book of having seen the movie and when i watched it again, it seemed somewhat familiar, but not really. what does that SAY about the status of my mind? i don’t even want to speculate on that….

i am rather in a funk and not sure what to do about it. i was motivated to work when i got here this morning, but now, i am just in a bad mood. i lost my car keys this morning and became a ranting lunatic. oh well, the cats didn’t look amused.

peace. 

very tired….

yes i am.

i am still at work and it’s 8:30pm. i want to go home, but i still have to eat dinner.

d is on his way, then we will go and get the girl child and all go to dinner. then we will go home and get into the hottub for a bit, then to bed, to do the whole, fun thing over again tomorrow.

i almost have a new car, which is why i am still at work. d had to fix it. will write more later.

more saga…

i feel better about things right now than i have in awhile. we went to our counseling session yesterday, and the counselor was very hard on her. it pained me to see it, but another part of me was enjoying seeing her struggle because i think she deserves to feel bad about some of the things she’s done.

the counselor said she thought that b needed to be in a residential treatment center. she asked me if that’s what i wanted and i told her i wanted b to behave in a safe and consistent manner, and if the treatment center was the way to do it, then i was all for it. i told b i knew this was hard, she had no idea how hard it was on me, but that i thought it needed to be this way. that i need her to understand how unacceptable this behavior from her is and how much it hurts everyone.

i also had more information than she did. my primary insurance is an hmo. if you know anything about insurance, you know they can be real bastards. the counselor was talking about sending her to the acute care mental health center. i knew there was no way the insurance was going to approve that admittance because she wasn’t suicidal or in immediate crisis, she’s basically just being a defiant asshole. but she didn’t know the insurance wasn’t going to do it, she thought she was going. for whatever reason, between what the counselor said to her and her thinking she was going back to that place, it finally seemed to sink in for her that she really messed up and this isn’t a joke anymore. she got pretty hysterical crying, and it was tough to be there and see and watch. when we got to the hospital, the counselor called me back and let me know she wouldn’t be admitted, which i knew, but to tell b that we were going to give her another chance. she was so thankful, she’s been like a different kid. she’s been talkative to me, and she knows if she messes up again, it won’t be the hospital, but jail that keeps her. goddess, i hope that doesn’t happen. i am hopeful and scared all at the same time.

i am feeling better about things. this morning, we got her enrolled at her new school and she started there. she’s already called me once to check in and let me know she’s still there. i honestly don’t think she had thought about how much this was hurting all of us until the counselor told her she was treating her whole family shabbily.

we watched football together last night at a friends house, and things seem to be less tense. i would not be surprised if she did it again, but i have to have hope that she really does want to do and be good things. that some of the stuff i have tried to teach her has gotten through.

by ten last night, i was emotionally exhausted to the degree i haven’t been in a very, very long time. it was all i could do to collapse in bed, and then i had a hard time turning my brain off.

today feels more fresh. crisp, cool, fall is here. the colors are turning, the leaves are falling, and hopefully this is the turning of a new leaf for the child.

just trying to keep those that care, updated.

peace. 

sheeeeee’s baaaaaack….

so, thursday morning, about 3am, i got a call from the police in ashland oregon telling me they had stopped my daughter’s boyfriend on a traffic violation and discovered he was a runaway and she had been in the car with him and was now in their custody. she was fine apparently, they had told the cops they were going camping somewhere in ashland. about an hour and a half later, we got a call from the juvenile authorities in the area saying they were booking her and we could come and get her in the morning. the following morning, i heard from the young man’s parents saying they were also heading up to get him. there were two other kids with them, i don’t know what happened to them.

i grabbed my mom and we proceeded to drive up to oregon to get the child. lucky for me i was also interested in seeing fall colors. the drive was pretty glorious on that account. what sort of pollyanna nitwit am i that i look for the good in absolutely EVERY situation? am i just stupid? is it a coping mechanism? i just don’t know….

we got up to oregon by about 2:30 pm. lucky us, we happened to have arrived just as the young man’s parents arrived. they might have beat us by about ten minutes. i chatted with them briefly and we all thought it was a really bad idea for these two kids to keep having contact with each other. sometimes, it doesn’t matter how much you love someone, your interaction with them is toxic. that definately seems to be the case with these two. i have never done anything to choose her friends for her, but in this case, i am firm.

when she came out of the jail, i guess, i gave her a big hug and told her that i loved her no matter what. then i told her i thought her behavior was atrocious and completely rude and unaccetable, but it was the behavior and not her that i disapproved of. when she came out, she had only socks on. turns out she had left one of her shoes at the house of someone before she left town, so she had been borrowing shoes from the other girl who was with them, but she took them as her property when they all got arrested. so she literally had no shoes. we stopped and bought her some on the way out of town. it took over an hour to get her processed out. by this time, there was no way i was going to be able to drive home to get to bellydancing class, so we decided it might be best if we relaxed and stayed in a hotel that night and headed back early the next morning. my mom also wanted to watch the baseball game, so that was an extra bonus….

while we were driving around, i had told b that i thought we might stay in ashland. when we got there, we discovered that’s where she had spent a good deal of her time on her little adventure. that made me want to get the hell out of ashland as quickly as possible, to remove any temptation from her of running again. we ended up staying at this little hotel in yreka california, which suited me much better. would have been much more difficult for her to run back to any friends in ashland from there.

what am i doing? at this point, i am so freaked out about her taking off again that i have put the child safety locks on the doors and she has to be let out of the car. i don’t even feel a little bad about this. my husband showed me how to work them before i left.

we walked half a block to a chinese restaurant right next to the hotel to eat dinner that night, and although i had threatened to put one of the beds in front of the door, i didn’t do that and she was still there in the morning, so it’s all good. by this time, i am starting to figure out that i think she draws a lot of her strength from her friends. i am unsure whether or not she would run on her own. i think perhaps she would not. because she knows she’s safe if she’s with other people she knows and trusts, but if she were on her own, i don’t think she would do it. please, fates, do not prove me wrong.

i don’t know what to do now. i don’t know if i should send her away or keep her home. i want her to get help. i don’t want to be a warden, but she has to learn how to exist within the parameters of home. i need to call the psych today. i need to call the school, i need to do all sorts of things today. she makes me mad, still…and i am hurt. i will write more later, as i can.

peace. 

still no word…

today, this evening, tonight, she will have been gone for a week.

i had a horrible dream/vision last night that i had to go to the police station, like something out of CSI and identify her body. i hope this doesn’t happen.

i have been so freaked out that i forgot my mom had a medical procedure this morning. because of my heightened emotional state, this made me burst in to tears. i walked to the hospital from my job (only a couple of blocks) so that my mom wouldn’t have to be alone for her procedure. she had been pretty freaked out about it.

all this emotional upheaval is taking it’s toll on me. i try hard not to be, but i am more irritable at work, more likely to snap at people, be annoyed. shorter fuse. maybe it’s me that’s going to end up on medication for the short term. there’s just this weight of heaviness on me all the time, wondering if she is okay. hoping she is. being conflicted because part of me wants her to learn a painful lesson, but not one that will damage her for life, cause her permanent physical harm, or ruin her life…..this is very hard.

last night at bellydancing, our teacher told us that her daughter, who will be 21 this weekend, has cervical cancer. that’s very sad too. she’s a very beautiful and talented girl.

i am trying really hard to stay sane. it’s getting more and more difficult. it seems sometimes like i am addicted to drama, but i don’t think i ask for the sort of drama i get. sometimes i suppose i do, but i sure didn’t know my child was going to take off…or be mentally ill.

when i saw her counselor this week, she told me that if b comes back, she should be placed as soon as possible into an in-patient treatment center. b had said to me what her worse fear was being locked up again, but i don’t know what else to do. if i keep letting her run away, one of these times, she’s not going to come back and there’s nothing i can really do about it. it’s good and proper for children to have rights, but what happens when they have more rights than the parents who are charged with ensuring their safety? one of those social conundrums, i suppose.

despite all this doom and gloom, things aren’t horrible with me. in general, i am good, there is just an over-arcing curtain of sadness that seems to color everything i do and put a gray haze over it. and worrying constantly can’t be healthy. i have managed to sleep well the last few nights, but still peppered with disturbing and scary dreams about all the horrible things that could happen to her.

today is just sad, for me.

peace. 

the dichotomy that is my life….

in the midst of still perpetually worrying about my daughter and whether she is still alive or doing awful things to keep people taking care of her, i am also having some of the greatest times of my life. don’t think this irony isn’t lost on me, it’s not. parts of my life are so filled with joy….and other parts with sadness. i never thought my children would be such a source of angst or sadness. i guess i had an unrealistic expectation of parenthood. it’s rollercoaster is very much wearing on me.

on friday night, there was bellydancing class. it was awesome, as usual. i finally feel like i am getting somewhere with all this, and it feels great. i have felt my body changing for awhile now, which was cool, but my coordination didn’t seem to be following suit. it’s been better. this teacher does a lot of drills, but i totally see their value. plus, this week, she had a vendor come and see us so that we could shop! i wanted another black choli top, but i had forgotten my checkbook and by the time that my hubby got there with money, something more glittery had caught my eye =) i got a new scarf that’s pretty and fringy. i will order the choli later, i have the ladies card. ahhhh, the joys of shopping!

saturday, i spent with my mom. we went shopping because i had to get some pants that fit me. i figured if i was going to be asking for a raise or whatever, i probably ought to stop wearing shorts and t-shirts to work. besides, it’s getting rather chilly, so isn’t as practical anymore. bur! the cool news is that i went to a clearance center for one of the big chain stores and managed to score five pairs of pants and two long sleeve blouses (like, casual business attire) for $50. yay, me! i love bargains! the pants averaged around $6 a piece. hahahaha. so, now i have at least a week’s worth of clothes. i seriously only had like two pairs of jeans in addition to that that still fit me.

on saturday night, i got to wear one of my new outfits because there was a bellydancing show. the show was awesome, but the evening was bittersweet, as one of my good friends, it’s probably the last time i am going to see her for awhile. she is moving to germany. we are going to save money and try to go and visit her oktoberfest 2007. that is going to be a blast, if we can swing it. however, the real focus of this is to say that the bellydancing event fucking rocked my socks off!! it was so hot! it was, like, everyone still doing bellydancing, but they couldn’t do it to bellydancing music. there were all sorts of dancers there, it was sort of like an open mic night for dancing. there was a couple there that did this tango looking tantric-sort of dance that was awesome, and then there was a guy who did an interesting array of dances that were all good, including a john-travolta-esque disco thing that was awesome. so good to see a guy with rhythm out there dancing! my teacher was awesome, and really all the dancers were good. it was serious good times.

then, on sunday, i had been invited to a hike up in the mountains by a couple of friends. they had said it would be about a five mile hike. we got to the one friends house at 8am, and were out the door by 8:30. we drove a ways into the mountains, chatting and catching up with each other. we were following directions by a guy who literally wrote things like "at the road marker 24Yn64, proceed .1 mile and then stop to park the car and start your hike." the hike ended up being six and a half miles, but i did it!! i didn’t whine, and i didn’t turn around and go back when i felt like i was going to die. they had even hiked a few times previous to this, and this was my first hike with them and i managed to kind of keep up. i was pretty proud of myself, actually. we went to see fall colors, and see them we did.

here is a picture of some of the colors we saw:

here’s another, looking up into the trees:

and finally, here’s your intrepid adventurer, looking chipper:

finally, here are me and my friends, looking chipper before the hike, with a sketching effect added:

i am sort of nervous. not sure i have posted pics with this much detail of me before.

:::hiding:::::

peace.