the obituary….

"On December 15, 2006, BR’s mom was released to eternal light. Born September 29, 1929, she spent 77 years being one of the most beautiful people known to those she encountered. She was preceded in death by her husband. She is survived by children oldest brother of Vacaville, Ca., second brother of Silver Springs, third brother of Cold Springs, fourth brother of Sparks, BR of Reno and BR’s sister of Reno as well as grand children BR’s son of Reno, BR’s nephew of Reno and BR’s daughter of Reno, third brother’s son of Reno, third brother’s daughter of Moraga Ca., and third brothers other son of Bakersfield, Ca., sisters younger sister of Fountain Hills, Az. and older sister of Sparks. BR’s mom was a waitress for over 50 years and prided herself on giving the best service she knew how. She adored penny slot machines and the San Francisco Giants and 49ers and will be missed by all that knew and loved her. She was best friends with her two daughters and leaves a void that can never be filled. We will miss you, Mama. Private family services will be held after the holidays."

I wrote it….what do you think?

i now alternate between everything seeming very surreal, anxious that i now have to get back to my life, even though it will never be the same, and relief that it’s over.

what i know is that i was with her when she passed and she seemed peaceful. i feel honored that she felt safe and loved enough by me to pass while i was there.

i had felt the heaviness of her spirit hanging on, waiting, but not really being there. i think the essence of who she was left when she had the stroke, but had to stay close to the body until it finally failed….but it wasn’t in her body, her body had been damaged. within a couple of minutes of her passing, i felt nothing of her essence still in the room. i was utterly alone.

i had to sit with her body for a few hours to wait for those who wanted to see her to be able to see her before she went to the funeral home because she is to be cremated. one brother had a pretty long drive, so we pushed the deadline a bit.

i am proud, though, that i gave my children the opportunity to see her, if they wanted. one did, one did not. at least it was their choice….at least they were given that choice.

i thought i was doing pretty good, and yesterday i had to go to the store. crossing the threshold, i thought of all the times i had gone there with my mother. all the bargains we’d hunted in our neighborhood store, all the ten items for ten dollar things we had bought, all the meds we had filled, and how we would never do those things again and there i stood, at the entrance of the grocery store, crying my eyes out. that wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did. i suppose that life will be like that for awhile.

that’s really all i can say right now….

and so, life carries on….

peace.