keeping on….

without a doubt, this is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with in my entire life. no, seriously.

my mom’s body seems to be hanging on, and that has serious, long-term implications that i had not considered. if she stays vegetative, i don’t know how we are supposed to care for her. we told her we would never put her in a nursing home, but i know i don’t currently have the capacity to take on her full care at my house. so, i want to honor her wishes, but i also don’t want to quit my job to provide her full-time care.

now’s when the work begins. i have to talk to the hospital social worker today to see about getting a durable power of attorney, dnr, and other legal stuff taken care of. mom was one of those people who always wanted to do this sort of stuff "tomorrow" because that didn’t make her acknowledge her own mortality.

i want to honor what she wants, but i also want her to have a decent quality of life. it’s going to be very hard to see her every day if she’s in a coma and lasts for another ten years. i don’t think that’s a positive or good way to live.

i am at the hospital and doing research now on long term care options and seeing what to do. we still probably have a couple of weeks in the hospital, and that seems like an impossibly long time. that probably seems very, very selfish and it isn’t intended that way at all. i am sure i will be thankful for this if these are the last times i spend with her, but in a way, i’d almost rather remember her when she LIVED, and not like this.

i’ve never, however, seen a stronger commercial for taking care of oneself. this need never have happened if she had managed her diabetes and high blood pressure. i think that’s probably the most frustrating part. but, then again, she could have done everything right and had a stroke anyway.

there are no easy answers and nothing is easy right now, except sitting in this chair and surfing the internet to pass the time.

i love my mama and i hate seeing her this way, but i can’t be completely not-okay with her still being alive. what a walking contradiction i am!

i will post as i can….

peace.