2007…

i have been off from work for the past ten days.

i should have been finishing and settling my mom’s affairs, but neither my sister and i have been able to bring ourselves to do it. it’s like, we are trying to learn how to exist without my mom. maybe we have been hiding, but tomorrow the hidind stops because i have to return to the world, to my life. there’s a part of me that’s afraid to do that, that is telling me that i am not ready to reenter my life, that i need more time. that i am not ready to face the world without my mom, but the bottom line is that i have no choice. now is when the tough stuff starts.

my mom didn’t do a will before she died. the good news is that we are on the deed. the perhaps not-so-good news is that i don’t remember if we did right of survivorship on the deed…if we did not, then i might have to go through probate, which will drag everything out.

my mom has been cremated and tomorrow i have to pick up her ashes from the mortuary. how morbid and depressing! i bought some small urns to split up some of the ashes amongst all the kids and grandkids. and we will scatter some, and i will keep some. i want to do an ancestors altar for my mom. we are also thinking of changing some things up around the house. now i have to wait for the death certificates to come in the mail to take around to different places to get things settled. we also need to go through all my mom’s things and decide what my sister wants to keep and what we will give to charity. as it is, though, neither one of us has been able to spend much time yet in my mom’s room without doing a lot of crying. we know we have to do it and do it soon, it will be better once it’s done, but it brings about finality, which is good and which is not so good. what it definately is is sad.

new year’s was quiet. i did safety for a fire show at one of the ski lodges last night, and it was fun. i got to spin some poi during the free burn, which was way cool. and it was a great time. one of the guys who safeties with me and his wife had an after party. they have a house that overlooks the city, so we got to stand on his deck and watch the fireworks downtown. it was sort of lame after being to burning man, but i suppose they were okay as city fireworks shows go =)

that’s life. i have to get back to it tomorrow and i am feeling anxious about that. like i can’t hide anymore after tomorrow.

today there was a peace vigil/protest at the federal building in my town to memorate the 3000 american service person death in iraq in this crazy war. my son tells me they are voting on the draft this week and i am afraid for the young men in my household and in my life. i have heard that this draft does not exempt women or college students. i am afraid for them all. i hope this ends soon before many more of our young people are killed or maimed.

peace….a good goal for 2007.