Year, in Review….

So there it is.   And there it was.

And here it is: the year in summation.   For those of you who aren’t familiar with this little exercise, basically it’s just the first sentence from the first entry of every month.   Last year’s seemed to be a bit more accurate and relevant, but hell.  My life is nothing if not inaccurate and irrelevant!

JANUARY:  "i found an amazing resource today. it spoke to me in a way that nothing has for a long time."

FEBRUARY: "part of me wants to write, and part of me does not."

MARCH: "i went to new york for five days and got to see the city all by myself."

APRIL:  "one of my major stressors lately has been work."

MAY: " the jazz festival was awesome, as always. it’s so funny the range of emotions that occur during this weekend…everything from "OMG i can’t believe it’s here" to "why do i do this again?!?!?!""

JUNE: "i am sad for people that i have read here for a very long time who have just experienced a tremendous loss."

JULY:  " i feel kind of bad for my poor son."

AUGUST:  " another weekend is gone by and wow, am i tired =)"

SEPTEMBER:  " burning man was as amazing as it ever is, this year. this was a very good and cool year for me, personally, professionally/volunteer-wise, and relationship-wise also."

OCTOBER:  "i spent my ENTIRE WEEKEND cleaning my house."

NOVEMBER:  "i knew my mom was sick, and i knew she had a lot of issues."

DECEMBER: "so, yesterday i got up and went to get my mom up to go to the bathroom in the morning."

so there it is. and there it was. and now i have to figure out how to continue to exist. i have to be responsible. i have to be a grown up.

i don’t have a mom anymore.

i feel somewhat adrift.

peace….i write as in my town, the 3000 american soldier killed in iraq is being protested in my town.

2007…

i have been off from work for the past ten days.

i should have been finishing and settling my mom’s affairs, but neither my sister and i have been able to bring ourselves to do it. it’s like, we are trying to learn how to exist without my mom. maybe we have been hiding, but tomorrow the hidind stops because i have to return to the world, to my life. there’s a part of me that’s afraid to do that, that is telling me that i am not ready to reenter my life, that i need more time. that i am not ready to face the world without my mom, but the bottom line is that i have no choice. now is when the tough stuff starts.

my mom didn’t do a will before she died. the good news is that we are on the deed. the perhaps not-so-good news is that i don’t remember if we did right of survivorship on the deed…if we did not, then i might have to go through probate, which will drag everything out.

my mom has been cremated and tomorrow i have to pick up her ashes from the mortuary. how morbid and depressing! i bought some small urns to split up some of the ashes amongst all the kids and grandkids. and we will scatter some, and i will keep some. i want to do an ancestors altar for my mom. we are also thinking of changing some things up around the house. now i have to wait for the death certificates to come in the mail to take around to different places to get things settled. we also need to go through all my mom’s things and decide what my sister wants to keep and what we will give to charity. as it is, though, neither one of us has been able to spend much time yet in my mom’s room without doing a lot of crying. we know we have to do it and do it soon, it will be better once it’s done, but it brings about finality, which is good and which is not so good. what it definately is is sad.

new year’s was quiet. i did safety for a fire show at one of the ski lodges last night, and it was fun. i got to spin some poi during the free burn, which was way cool. and it was a great time. one of the guys who safeties with me and his wife had an after party. they have a house that overlooks the city, so we got to stand on his deck and watch the fireworks downtown. it was sort of lame after being to burning man, but i suppose they were okay as city fireworks shows go =)

that’s life. i have to get back to it tomorrow and i am feeling anxious about that. like i can’t hide anymore after tomorrow.

today there was a peace vigil/protest at the federal building in my town to memorate the 3000 american service person death in iraq in this crazy war. my son tells me they are voting on the draft this week and i am afraid for the young men in my household and in my life. i have heard that this draft does not exempt women or college students. i am afraid for them all. i hope this ends soon before many more of our young people are killed or maimed.

peace….a good goal for 2007. 

happy yule….

okay, so technically, it’s not until tonight at 22 minutes after midnight, but it’s almost yule then. yule eve? there we go. i got my pathetic, fake, three foot christmas tree out yesterday.

i had an okay day yesterday.

it still seems very surreal not to have my mom around at home. my sis has been doing great keeping the house in order. she cleaned again yesterday, which was very cool of her, but then again, she isn’t working right now, either. that will have to change for sure, but if she needs some time too, i can understand that. for me, work has been an amazing comfort.

so many people have been so nice to me, it ALMOST gives me hope for humanity. seriously. so many people gave of themselves and their own personal pain in order to share with me…to let me know i wasn’t alone and that others have had to make the same awful choices and live with them. i have been truly blown away by the kindness i have received from people i didn’t consider myself that close to when this whole weird thing began.

i am not sure what else to say, except that i miss my mom. i am sure that i will miss her for a long time. i don’t think i can ever stop missing her. but i don’t want this entry to sound like nothing but sadness because that’s not how i am right now either. i guess surviving would be a good way to put it. i am making it through the days, trying to keep myself distracted, and doing a pretty good job of it too =)

in general, life is still good for me and i have many blessings for which to be thankful. and in other ways, there’s just an underlying feeling of sadness.

i can’t believe christmas is in a few days.

take care, everyone…..tell those close to you that you love them.

peace.

the obituary….

"On December 15, 2006, BR’s mom was released to eternal light. Born September 29, 1929, she spent 77 years being one of the most beautiful people known to those she encountered. She was preceded in death by her husband. She is survived by children oldest brother of Vacaville, Ca., second brother of Silver Springs, third brother of Cold Springs, fourth brother of Sparks, BR of Reno and BR’s sister of Reno as well as grand children BR’s son of Reno, BR’s nephew of Reno and BR’s daughter of Reno, third brother’s son of Reno, third brother’s daughter of Moraga Ca., and third brothers other son of Bakersfield, Ca., sisters younger sister of Fountain Hills, Az. and older sister of Sparks. BR’s mom was a waitress for over 50 years and prided herself on giving the best service she knew how. She adored penny slot machines and the San Francisco Giants and 49ers and will be missed by all that knew and loved her. She was best friends with her two daughters and leaves a void that can never be filled. We will miss you, Mama. Private family services will be held after the holidays."

I wrote it….what do you think?

i now alternate between everything seeming very surreal, anxious that i now have to get back to my life, even though it will never be the same, and relief that it’s over.

what i know is that i was with her when she passed and she seemed peaceful. i feel honored that she felt safe and loved enough by me to pass while i was there.

i had felt the heaviness of her spirit hanging on, waiting, but not really being there. i think the essence of who she was left when she had the stroke, but had to stay close to the body until it finally failed….but it wasn’t in her body, her body had been damaged. within a couple of minutes of her passing, i felt nothing of her essence still in the room. i was utterly alone.

i had to sit with her body for a few hours to wait for those who wanted to see her to be able to see her before she went to the funeral home because she is to be cremated. one brother had a pretty long drive, so we pushed the deadline a bit.

i am proud, though, that i gave my children the opportunity to see her, if they wanted. one did, one did not. at least it was their choice….at least they were given that choice.

i thought i was doing pretty good, and yesterday i had to go to the store. crossing the threshold, i thought of all the times i had gone there with my mother. all the bargains we’d hunted in our neighborhood store, all the ten items for ten dollar things we had bought, all the meds we had filled, and how we would never do those things again and there i stood, at the entrance of the grocery store, crying my eyes out. that wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did. i suppose that life will be like that for awhile.

that’s really all i can say right now….

and so, life carries on….

peace. 

and now, the end is near….

tonight, my siblings and i removed my mom from all but comfort treatments and as i write this from her hospital room, she seems more at peace than she has at any other time during this entire saga.

i still maintain that this was the hardest thing i’ve ever done in my life. how does one let go of the only person in existence who ever loves one as unconditionally as humans can? she’s always been there for me, always supported me, even if she didn’t agree with me, and always will be.

i carry such beautiful memories of this beautiful woman with me. but now, it’s time to let her go. i owe that to her, it’s what she wanted.

just when i think that i cannot cry any more, i imagine a world without her in it and the tears flow again freshly, making my head hurt and my face all poofy. how does one move on from something like this? right now it seems inconceivable.

i hope her transition is peaceful and without pain. i hope that she knows that she is not alone and that there are many people here who love her. i don’t know what else to say. life will never be the same. in some respects, i feel utterly alone, even though i know i will always carry her in my heart. she’s been the best of friends to me, she’s been such an awesome person who taught me so much about love, forgiveness, relationships, you name it.

i love you, momma.

keeping on….

without a doubt, this is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with in my entire life. no, seriously.

my mom’s body seems to be hanging on, and that has serious, long-term implications that i had not considered. if she stays vegetative, i don’t know how we are supposed to care for her. we told her we would never put her in a nursing home, but i know i don’t currently have the capacity to take on her full care at my house. so, i want to honor her wishes, but i also don’t want to quit my job to provide her full-time care.

now’s when the work begins. i have to talk to the hospital social worker today to see about getting a durable power of attorney, dnr, and other legal stuff taken care of. mom was one of those people who always wanted to do this sort of stuff "tomorrow" because that didn’t make her acknowledge her own mortality.

i want to honor what she wants, but i also want her to have a decent quality of life. it’s going to be very hard to see her every day if she’s in a coma and lasts for another ten years. i don’t think that’s a positive or good way to live.

i am at the hospital and doing research now on long term care options and seeing what to do. we still probably have a couple of weeks in the hospital, and that seems like an impossibly long time. that probably seems very, very selfish and it isn’t intended that way at all. i am sure i will be thankful for this if these are the last times i spend with her, but in a way, i’d almost rather remember her when she LIVED, and not like this.

i’ve never, however, seen a stronger commercial for taking care of oneself. this need never have happened if she had managed her diabetes and high blood pressure. i think that’s probably the most frustrating part. but, then again, she could have done everything right and had a stroke anyway.

there are no easy answers and nothing is easy right now, except sitting in this chair and surfing the internet to pass the time.

i love my mama and i hate seeing her this way, but i can’t be completely not-okay with her still being alive. what a walking contradiction i am!

i will post as i can….

peace. 

family first…..

so, yesterday i got up and went to get my mom up to go to the bathroom in the morning. and she wouldn’t get up. i couldn’t wake her up, it’s like she was sleeping really deep and didn’t want to get up. i had to call the paramedics and have her transported to the hospital. 

they think she had a stroke. as i type this, they are taking her for an MRI so they can tell what sort of damage she has from the stroke.

no matter how much you think you prepare for something like this, you can’t. it’s still traumatic, even if you knew it might happen. how do you say goodbye to the only person who’s ever loved you truly unconditionally? i don’t know, but it’s damn hard.

peace.