Hurt…

 

Hurt, by Johnny Cash. One of the most visceral and raw songs ever made, I believe. I believe when he made that song, and video, he knew he was dying. June was gone already.

How do you make a new normal when things you thought were true, are pointed out to you that you didn’t see the whole picture?!

I have a whole lot of processing to do of my own.

Decisions have been made, and my daughter will be moving most of the way across the country, to live closer to my son. As we speak, I am in Kentucky visiting my son.

There is no other way to say it. I am mourning the relationship I thought I had with my daughter. My bottom line is that she is no longer a safe person for me to be around, and to share with. I hope she gets back to that, but I have no control over that. It’s little things for me. We used to hang out and run errands together, on days off. We called it “poopin’ around”. It’s been a couple of years since she sought me out to do this. I didn’t know why. I wondered why she would commiserate about not having any friends when I was the best friend in the world, I thought. I don’t know when the switch in her mind happened, but she didn’t see me as a friend because she was waiting for me to apologize for things I didn’t know I had done wrong. She was processing my being at fault for a lot that was wrong in her life. That hurts.

I’ve written this before, but when I thought we were having adult conversations based in equality, she was seeing these same conversations as my trying to parent her still, trying to get my way, infantilizing her, or judging her. She’s said these things, I have told her to take her time, but I’m not unwilling to examine my own behaviors or how they might have been hurtful to her, but I’ve not managed mind reading yet, so I don’t know what I did that hurt her.

She took my grand daughter out shopping the other day, and I saw them at a store that I also went to. I almost left crying because I would have loved to have been invited shopping with them, but that’s not the place we are in relationship right now. She just said her and Mel were going out, not where and not invited.

I am so at a loss. I know everyone’s kids have to grow up, I guess I just always thought I’d be close with my kids, but that is not to be.

I am in Kentucky, visiting my son. I just saw the house where my daughter will be living. I hope they can make a smooth transition, I am happy for her. Always, with our children, what we want for them is their agency and their happiness. No matter how non-judgmental or loving you try to be as a parent, maybe it’s too much to expect to remain close. Maybe this is why our fractured society has older adults finding “family of choice”, because some of this is inevitable. You give your whole heart and souls to raising children and trying to make beautiful people. And then are sometimes excluded from their lives.

Hurting.

Peace.