(last week, I traveled to Cincinnati, Kentucky, Detroit, Toronto, Niagara and flew home from Buffalo. This little birdie was in a park where we stopped to let the kids play in the Kensington district in Toronto.)
I unfollowed my daughter on Facebook.
A couple of weeks ago, we have a mutual friend who texted me (she’s “my” friend, but also a friend to my daughter…we’ve been friends a long time) and said “I get the feeling, every time B posts something about toxicity or relationships, she’s talking about you”.
Yep. That’s probably true.
What I am discovering is that, in reality, I am NOT alone. A lot of parents are going through “estrangement” from their adult children. This is hard and difficult and soul-wrenching stuff, ya’all.
Doing your best does not mean that’s how it was perceived by those you were doing it for. This realization hit me a couple years ago when I realized the two people I loved most in the world, have sacrificed for, have gone without so they could have the things they wanted, would not do the same for me. This years lesson appears to be, not only will they not do the same for me, I apparently have hurt, injured and traumatized them in ways I have no idea about. I am not unwilling to examine my own behavior. I’m not sure I want a future relationship with my daughter. She is not a safe person for me to be around. She does not define who I am, unless I choose to ingest that information. I will examine and acknowledge the hurts I may have caused her, even if I don’t understand them.
I am currently listening to a book called “Rules of Estrangement. Why Adult Children Cut Ties & How to Heal the Conflict”. I’ve also joined a couple of groups. I’ve also made a therapy appointment for next week, to talk to my EAP and likely head farther in to therapy my own self. I have some shit to figure out. This is new shit, about how things I did, that I didn’t intend to, were damaging to my daughter, that she’s now working through in therapy, as an adult.
I just sent this message to my daughter, “I am sorry for the trauma I caused you. I am sorry for the times in your childhood where my actions caused you harm, and that I did not help you feel loved, supported, and valued. I did not realize when that conversation happened that you were working on your core traumas. Now that I understand that and have been able to educate myself a bit about what that might be like for you, I am sorry. I am willing to be accountable for the actions of mine that caused you harm, and I want to let you know that I am open to working through that with you, if you ever get to that point. I love you, and I want nothing for you but your happiness and healing. All I ask is to please TELL ME if I cross a boundary you feel you have set with me. I am not a perfect human, and also have behavior patterns and don’t always know or realize I am crossing boundaries. I respect your boundaries, and your current distance. Future communication is in your court because I don’t want to do anything to make you feel unsafe or like I am not honoring those boundaries.” I followed it up with, “( I have no issue saying any of these things to you to your face and in person. Like you, I feel like I communicate better through writing, and I want you to always be able to have this to refer back to in case it is helpful for you in any way.)”
In my reading, adult children don’t want to hear excuses, or how hard we tried, or about the good job we thought we did as parents, they want the apology and the acknowledgement and the owning of our behaviors. I hope that it helps her be able to heal. I don’t know how much I care right now if she accepts it or not. It isn’t that I do not care, it’s that I cannot control the outcome, so all I can do is speak my peace, try to give her what she needs to heal, and hope that at some point maybe if and when she wants a relationship again, that the same thing also feels safe for me.
I know that my processing of all of this has just begun. I don’t know if I’ll ever know what I did that she thought was so injurious and I’m not sure how much that matters.
We are now navigating this thing.
Peace.
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