Therapy FTW!

 In many areas of my communities, I am a leader. Last weekend, we hosted a “Town Hall” meeting for our Burning Man region, where people come to hear about the things that are happening in our local community for the season that will lead up to Burning Man, 2023. Someone at the place where the meeting was held, a place called The Generator, which is a local makerspace, was fostering kittens. These kittehs are probably the best socialized kitties I’ve seen. For proof of concept, here’s a picture of one being held and napping, in the arms of a local welding instructor:

I went to my first counseling appointment yesterday. It was sort of a revelation.

I think as parents, I used to say when my kids were little that the only real emotion I had time for was GUILT. I didn’t feel like I could do anything well, because I was required to do so many things. Can’t be a good parent because there’s always work. Can’t be a good employee because kids get sick and you have to miss work. Volunteer, and feel guilty about that because it takes time away from family and work. GUILT. GUILT. GUILT. I really thought I had been doing better. I do things for myself. I exercise for me. I travel for me, and generally make sure that I make time and money to be able to do that. Near the end of my session yesterday, the counselor said “I have been listening to you talk about your family for the last hour, and not ONE TIME, not at all during all of this, have you said what YOU wanted. Have you told me what makes YOU happy.” I told her that’s one of the huge reasons I had reached out. I don’t know anymore. I told her I’d been flummoxed because I was like “HOW THE FUCK DID I GET HERE? To this place?” I don’t know the answer to that. I am and have always been a giver. She also opened my eyes by suggesting that I look in to al-anon. This is going to be a tall order for me, because I generally like the format of twelve step programs, but I kind of loathe religion. That won’t go well for me, at all. I am going to try to find a meeting I can stomach the higher power stuff in. I did al-anon many, many years ago when my first husband was a rage-aholic and dry drunk, but it had never really occurred to me that it would be needed as my daughter navigated recovery in her addiction and how the patterns are still true.

The good news is that I sort of have hope now. We will see how it goes, I am sure there will be some uncomfortable stuff, and it’s not easy to stick up for yourself, when you’ve always been the one that kept things together. I was talking to my son-in-law this morning about generational trauma, and how much it affects us. I told him a couple of stories from the somewhat generation before him, because someone he’s close to told him one of our folks was an asshole. I said, yes, this person has some challenges, and let me tell you a story about what that poor guy endured from his parents when he was a child….and then let me tell you a story that HIS dad went through as a child. Both of them were horrible stories, no child should ever have to endure. And they are so normal to me, I could see his and my grandkids horror, telling these stories. I told them, “Hurt people, hurt people when they get bigger, if they don’t think about and resolve the hurts they suffered as children. We all have to make sense of things, to realize the hurts we endured aren’t because people maybe even intended to hurt us, but these things happen.

I have a feeling this diary is going to get a workout, as I go through all these things. I know, I need to figure what I need to do to make me happy, and what that looks like. I suppose I have been lazy in thinking about my own needs, or have just been in crisis mode for so long, I allowed myself to be last all this time because there was always something more pressing.

All for now.

Peace.