Don’t take it personally…

 

This is my new mantra.

In the end, almost nothing is personal, for reals. I am learning this in therapy. There really aren’t any slightings happening in most people’s decisions. Everyone does what’s best for them, and if we are hurt by the actions of others, it’s up to US to figure out why, not the person who’s just making the best decision for them or their entity at the time.

Yeah, I know, it’s one of the Four Agreements.

But it doesn’t FEEL that way, when something doesn’t go my way. I applied for two seasonal positions with Burning Man this year. I didn’t get either of them. My default way of thinking is that this is because I am deficient in some way. There must be something wrong with me, otherwise they would have chosen me. This was somewhat reinforced last year, because they DID choose me, and they made a place for me and made special accommodations for me because of the skillset that I brought to a particular department. As with all things, six months has passed since then. Their team is more solid, their staff have more experience. They needed me last year to provide stability and rangering. This year, they do not feel that need. They’d love it if I’d still volunteer for them. Of course they would. It’s free. hahahaha.

The second position was for a department I have worked for for about 18 years, but this was a paid position. They decided to go with someone who had no leadership of much history working with the department. I think in this case, the fact that I am super busy and already committed in many places, worked against me. They wanted someone, I believe with less time commitments, more availability, or less conflict. Okie dokie.

And…it’s hard for me, for that NOT to feel personal. I am trying hard to work through this. To do better with this. I also need to figure what I need to make me happy. It’s been so long since someone asked me that and I felt like the answer was something that was within my realm to make happen, it’s made me realize I really have been going through the motions for a number of years.

I have an amazing life, but it’s something I realize I’ve been doing IN ADDITION to being the primary caregiver for people who do not have my own interests at their forefront, like I have been giving to them. That stops. If I don’t give the most to myself, I’m not going to be any good to anyone else. I am learning.

I also saw, this week, how the pattern that I had with taking care of my sister has repeated itself in the way and pattern I got in to taking care of my daughter. They are so much alike, I think this is one of my major lessons in life to learn, it certainly keeps re-asserting itself in my life.

There’s a ton rolling around in my brain, but figured it was time for an update.

Peace.