Breakthrough Moment

 This was posted on Facebook, and because of aforementioned not-a-safe-place, I came here to repost this, so I could remember it. From Yesenia Moya Garay over on FB:

“Breakthrough moment. Fear of intimacy isn’t on purpose. It doesn’t mean you don’t want to be close. You can be afraid of various types of intimacy.

‘What does it mean to have a fear of intimacy? When someone has a fear of intimacy, they struggle with forming and maintaining significant relationships because it’s difficult for them to be vulnerable with themselves and with others. They might seem emotionally open and have a lot of friends and family around — but always within limits.’

• Emotional Intimacy: Telling each other your deepest fears, dreams, disappointments, and most complicated emotions, as well as feeling seen and understood when you do.
• Intellectual initimacy: Communicating beliefs and viewpoints without worrying about potential conflicts. Each person in the relationship has the freedom to think for themselves and believes that their opinions are valued – instead of feeling pressured to agree.
• Experiential intimacy: Participating in shared experiences that lead to inside jokes and private moments that escalate a connection. The act of teamwork and moving in unison toward a common goal while creating an experience also establishes a feeling of closeness.
• Spiritual intimacy: Having poignant moments with someone. It can look like enjoying the beauty of nature, sharing awe-inspiting moments, as well as discussing ethics, sense of purpose, or personal definitions of spirituality.

I thought I had these things, was building these things, with my family, and it’s not true, clearly. I can’t tell you the level of sad this makes me, but I suppose that means try harder, look for different connections, turn to “family of choice”.

It hurts. I hope it feels better, more authentic, whatever, on the other side. I am a firm believer in the concept that in order for something to be resolved, it has to have the light shined on it. I can’t control the outcome, all I can do is love and be myself and hope that things work themselves towards a place where mutual understanding, growth and forgiveness can happen.

Peace.