I didn’t go to therapy this week….

 When I was leaving my last appointment, the receptionist wasn’t there. In the ensuing time, I did not call. Meh, I am on the fence about it. I will call, eventually, and get the thing sorted. I’ve also discovered that procrastination is a non-coping mechanism for overwhelm for me. heh.

I am generally feeling better.

I had homework. I will call again, but I need to straighten some stuff out first.

I’m having some financial woes. I counted on some stuff I shouldn’t have counted on, and now I’m struggling and trying to find a way out and coming to terms with the fact that I am going to have to tighten my belt, at least for a little while. This is me being accountable. I have some “extra” money coming in at the end of the month, for which I am trading labor, but every little bit helps. It will all work out, the important thing is not to panic. Somewhat easier said than done, I will persevere.

Life is so interesting. People I never thought would be family are….family of choice and actual family has made it super clear they have no interest in being a part of my life. Having relationships means efforts on all the sides and I no longer have time and will not make the time for people who do not make time for me. Maybe that’s the lesson of getting older. I don’t know.

I think our society is at a precipice. I hope it is, kind of, and also acknowledge that it is and will be painful and probably messy. Our entire society is built on individualism, grow up, grow out, get out on your own. And yet, fundamentally, we are tribal and are the happiest when we share space and commune with other humans. Maybe the lesson is that as you age, my therapist says that each stage of life prepares you for the next stage of life, so if one stays “stuck” or doesn’t take any or the appropriate action in one phase, that’s how we get so messed up. I think of this in relation to my daughter, or generational relationships in general. What happens when a child DOES NOT grow up, move out and become independent? What happens when there are unhealthy patterns in there, sometimes generations deep of codependence, neediness, enabling, and family dynamics that say “I AM THE CARETAKER” and “I AM THE ONE WHO GETS TAKEN CARE OF, SO I DESERVE THIS”? That’s when things start to get messed up. And man, can it get messy. I also think that, like, we all should be required to do a soul inventory or something, like, every five years. Are these still my values? Do I still believe this way? Is believing this way contributing to my highest version of myself? Is it keeping me in unhealthy patterns and behaviors? What do I want to be and do in this phase of my life? How do I get there from here?

Deep thoughts for a Thursday, May the Fourth Be With You.

Peace.