the obituary….

"On December 15, 2006, BR’s mom was released to eternal light. Born September 29, 1929, she spent 77 years being one of the most beautiful people known to those she encountered. She was preceded in death by her husband. She is survived by children oldest brother of Vacaville, Ca., second brother of Silver Springs, third brother of Cold Springs, fourth brother of Sparks, BR of Reno and BR’s sister of Reno as well as grand children BR’s son of Reno, BR’s nephew of Reno and BR’s daughter of Reno, third brother’s son of Reno, third brother’s daughter of Moraga Ca., and third brothers other son of Bakersfield, Ca., sisters younger sister of Fountain Hills, Az. and older sister of Sparks. BR’s mom was a waitress for over 50 years and prided herself on giving the best service she knew how. She adored penny slot machines and the San Francisco Giants and 49ers and will be missed by all that knew and loved her. She was best friends with her two daughters and leaves a void that can never be filled. We will miss you, Mama. Private family services will be held after the holidays."

I wrote it….what do you think?

i now alternate between everything seeming very surreal, anxious that i now have to get back to my life, even though it will never be the same, and relief that it’s over.

what i know is that i was with her when she passed and she seemed peaceful. i feel honored that she felt safe and loved enough by me to pass while i was there.

i had felt the heaviness of her spirit hanging on, waiting, but not really being there. i think the essence of who she was left when she had the stroke, but had to stay close to the body until it finally failed….but it wasn’t in her body, her body had been damaged. within a couple of minutes of her passing, i felt nothing of her essence still in the room. i was utterly alone.

i had to sit with her body for a few hours to wait for those who wanted to see her to be able to see her before she went to the funeral home because she is to be cremated. one brother had a pretty long drive, so we pushed the deadline a bit.

i am proud, though, that i gave my children the opportunity to see her, if they wanted. one did, one did not. at least it was their choice….at least they were given that choice.

i thought i was doing pretty good, and yesterday i had to go to the store. crossing the threshold, i thought of all the times i had gone there with my mother. all the bargains we’d hunted in our neighborhood store, all the ten items for ten dollar things we had bought, all the meds we had filled, and how we would never do those things again and there i stood, at the entrance of the grocery store, crying my eyes out. that wasn’t supposed to happen, but it did. i suppose that life will be like that for awhile.

that’s really all i can say right now….

and so, life carries on….

peace. 

and now, the end is near….

tonight, my siblings and i removed my mom from all but comfort treatments and as i write this from her hospital room, she seems more at peace than she has at any other time during this entire saga.

i still maintain that this was the hardest thing i’ve ever done in my life. how does one let go of the only person in existence who ever loves one as unconditionally as humans can? she’s always been there for me, always supported me, even if she didn’t agree with me, and always will be.

i carry such beautiful memories of this beautiful woman with me. but now, it’s time to let her go. i owe that to her, it’s what she wanted.

just when i think that i cannot cry any more, i imagine a world without her in it and the tears flow again freshly, making my head hurt and my face all poofy. how does one move on from something like this? right now it seems inconceivable.

i hope her transition is peaceful and without pain. i hope that she knows that she is not alone and that there are many people here who love her. i don’t know what else to say. life will never be the same. in some respects, i feel utterly alone, even though i know i will always carry her in my heart. she’s been the best of friends to me, she’s been such an awesome person who taught me so much about love, forgiveness, relationships, you name it.

i love you, momma.

keeping on….

without a doubt, this is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with in my entire life. no, seriously.

my mom’s body seems to be hanging on, and that has serious, long-term implications that i had not considered. if she stays vegetative, i don’t know how we are supposed to care for her. we told her we would never put her in a nursing home, but i know i don’t currently have the capacity to take on her full care at my house. so, i want to honor her wishes, but i also don’t want to quit my job to provide her full-time care.

now’s when the work begins. i have to talk to the hospital social worker today to see about getting a durable power of attorney, dnr, and other legal stuff taken care of. mom was one of those people who always wanted to do this sort of stuff "tomorrow" because that didn’t make her acknowledge her own mortality.

i want to honor what she wants, but i also want her to have a decent quality of life. it’s going to be very hard to see her every day if she’s in a coma and lasts for another ten years. i don’t think that’s a positive or good way to live.

i am at the hospital and doing research now on long term care options and seeing what to do. we still probably have a couple of weeks in the hospital, and that seems like an impossibly long time. that probably seems very, very selfish and it isn’t intended that way at all. i am sure i will be thankful for this if these are the last times i spend with her, but in a way, i’d almost rather remember her when she LIVED, and not like this.

i’ve never, however, seen a stronger commercial for taking care of oneself. this need never have happened if she had managed her diabetes and high blood pressure. i think that’s probably the most frustrating part. but, then again, she could have done everything right and had a stroke anyway.

there are no easy answers and nothing is easy right now, except sitting in this chair and surfing the internet to pass the time.

i love my mama and i hate seeing her this way, but i can’t be completely not-okay with her still being alive. what a walking contradiction i am!

i will post as i can….

peace. 

family first…..

so, yesterday i got up and went to get my mom up to go to the bathroom in the morning. and she wouldn’t get up. i couldn’t wake her up, it’s like she was sleeping really deep and didn’t want to get up. i had to call the paramedics and have her transported to the hospital. 

they think she had a stroke. as i type this, they are taking her for an MRI so they can tell what sort of damage she has from the stroke.

no matter how much you think you prepare for something like this, you can’t. it’s still traumatic, even if you knew it might happen. how do you say goodbye to the only person who’s ever loved you truly unconditionally? i don’t know, but it’s damn hard.

peace.  

life, going on….

well, it’s been awhile since i updated, so i suppose that it’s time.

my mom had her procedure on monday. sometimes, she seems so frail, it just really makes me cry. she is so very strong though, and an amazing trooper and such a beautiful woman, though, it also makes me very proud that i come from such a wonderful woman.

with this procedure, they were again to look at the artery supplying blood to her leg and see if it had closed down again. the difference this time is that there is a new device the doctor is using that actually excises the plaque from the artery and removes it using suction. so, almost a literal roto rooter for the pipes, because in normal angioplasty, they just push the plaque against the vessel walls with the balloon and try to keep it there with the shunt. because of my mom’s medication snafu with the plavix, hers was completely closed down again. the doctor had to have the representative from the medical technology company who makes the device there because it’s a new device she’s only used about four times before. they were very impressed with the amount of plaque that came from my mom’s artery and she said the device functioned very well and they didn’t know they could excise that much using the device. that makes me happy that they got it out, but sad that my mom’s arteries were in such bad shape to begin with. have another cookie, mom =)

at any rate, she’s been pretty spunky since the procedure. we have another appointment with the vascular surgeon next week for her to evaluate my mom’s foot. i need to give her foot soaks and try to get the thing to heal. there are still two black spots on her toes that concern me greatly, but what will be will be and this is the result of events that have been going on for a very long time. it does make me sad, though, to think of my mom losing mobility.

my sis has stayed home the last couple of days because she had a cold and didn’t feel well, but today is the first day my mom is alone at home. we made sure she had food and all that, and i asked her not to go down the stairs. i told her to call me if she needed anything, i am ten minutes away from home and my work totally understands what’s happening.

i had to take her to the lab yesterday and we went out to lunch. it’s really the first time she’s been out in a long time. she did great and even has been a bit honery since the procedure. i think she enjoyed being out and she did really well. it was hard to be around her and help her so heavily with walking. i think regardless of whether or not she loses her foot, she’s going to need some sort of walker, because it isn’t realistic for me to support her to that degree always. and she’s not very steady on her feet.

so, we are maintaining. i love my mama more than anything, this i know. i don’t want her to die, but i also don’t want her to be miserable and in pain. i am still struggling with that. when is it okay for one to be okay with someone they love dying? i don’t know the answer to that….

next week we have to go back to the vascular surgeon, and she will look at mom’s toes. i will try this weekend to help them convalesce, but i am unsure what more i can do. the skin is peeling off of them and although it looks like it’s getting blood now, the cracking and peeling makes me nervous in addition to the black spots.

i am trying to catch up at work, and it’s an interesting odyssey. my new database project is continuing, and i got my first web registration yesterday, which was very exciting for me.

had a great dance class this week that i sort of taught or at least led. it’s much harder to teach than i thought it would be. aside from the fact that it’s hard to be winded and talk at the same time, it’s also hard to explain how the moves are supposed to look. interesting stuff that. i had called and said i wasn’t going to be there, but i am really glad that i did it…it made me feel better and more accomplished. yay, me!

i think that’s about it for an update for me, right now.

life goes on….

peace. 

the good stuff, pre-holiday…..

i want to say that there is definately good stuff happening in my life too, and some of it happened today. the universe is truly an amazing place, let me tell you.

in between all this other stuff that has been happening, i’ve also been continuing to see my girl, trying for once a week….sometimes more and sometimes less successful than that =)

i have a friend who put on an amazing variety type show last week called "innocent when you dream" that had to do with all the different avenues one’s desires can take. she’s going to do the show again, so i might participate more in the future. that’s good. it was a really good show.

then friday, i went to dance class, which is always amazing, then went to see some maori dancers from new zealand. they were awesome and i adored their humor. very cool folks and got to see them use poi as percussive instruments, which is amazing too.

saturday, i spent the day taking care of my mom and my aunt, then went and got some wine for the inaugural meeting of a wine club two friends have started. it was a blast, even if the wine we had was pinot noir, which is not one of my favorites. next month we get to do a hodgepodge, which is more my style =) that was a blast though….good food and good company, even if i got 75 calls from my aunt and my sister in between there. it’s kind of hard to enjoy wine with your friends when your sis calls and freaks out because mom has said she thinks she’s going to die that night and not make it through the night. but i managed.

after the wine party, i was pretty emotionally drained, but i had promised a friend from the fire group that i was going to stop by a party she was having. i didn’t stay there long, but i am glad that i went. the energy there was so good and loving and positive, it made me wish that i had more energy left to give and stay longer. i was home by 11pm.

sunday was spent cleaning my house…and then getting my aunt and my mom from my aunt’s house to our house because my aunt had to leave monday morning and i was going to be taking her. i wouldn’t have felt right leaving her by herself in her apartment.

so, there’s some of the fun and good stuff i have been doing too. monday night, we started a fire fan and finger and bellydance class, which was also festive and i felt somewhat competent on the dancing part, so that was good.

will write more when i can. 

my life is not the same……

 wow.

my life has changed drastically in the last week or so, and it’s not been an entirely good change.

i knew my mom was sick, and i knew she had a lot of issues. but, i didn’t understand, i don’t think, just how sick she’s been, or how much it’s going to take to continue to take care of her.

when my aunt had her stroke, my mom went to stay with her to "take care of her". by the time we brought my mom home this weekend, it was my aunt who was taking more care of my mom and to say that was the blind leading the blind would be a gross understatement….

as near as i can figure it, when my mom went to my aunt’s, she didn’t take the proper medication with her. she didn’t say anything about not having the proper medication, she just didn’t take them. this caused her foot, the one with all the circulation problems, to get really bad again, where she has open sores all over them and her toes are starting to turn funny colors that are generally the pre-cursors to black….which would mean amputation and no more toes. as this has been happening, she’s experiencing more pain, and less willingness to walk. they gave her morphine, and vicodin, that she said that wasn’t even touching her pain. i talked to the health plan phone nurse and she asked me if i thought my mom understood the corollation between the successful management of her diabetes and her bodies healing process. no, no, i don’t think she does at all.

add into that the fact that my aunt, before her stroke was a raging alcoholic and had to stop cold turkey when she had her stroke. this sent her back to the hospital shortly after her stroke, for what i think were the dt’s. since then, she’s still somewhat able to function, but is very unsteady on her feet and also falls a lot. talk about the blind leading the blind….her and my mom were supposed to be taking care of each other. right.

so, this took us to this weekend. i went over there about thursday to see them, and my mom was in really bad shape, but still mostly coherent. by saturday, my aunt called me and told me that we needed to get some sort of toilet chair for my mom because she was falling every time she went to the bathroom. when i got there to help them do laundry and deliver said chair, the house was in complete disarray and my mom was laid out on the floor in nothing but her underwear, with paper towels all around her. her hair was all disheveled, and she was gone, man….i mean she was still alive and all, but she was so incoherant she couldn’t even support her own weight. i had to get her off the floor, and i mean pick her up, bearing her whole weight. her arms and legs were like a rag doll. i thought she was taking too much morphine, but it turns out that her own meds weren’t working, so she decided to supplement with some of her sisters that were given to help her muscle twitches. yeah, that’s called lorazepam, which was the topper that was making her a zombie. take into consideration how many times she asked for more pills while my sister was with her on saturday, and i have no idea how much she took. but she wasn’t taking or even aware enough to take her regular meds. so, this needed to stop.

on my way over on saturday, i had to get the potty chair, thankful that there was a nice home health lady who opened her store and waited for me to get there so i could get it on a weekend, then went and got them food, and i knew i needed to find a way to manage my mom’s meds. those little plastic things are cool, but i could see her trying to open one slot and sending the rest of the meds flying across the room, so i opted for some little plastic baggies and a sharpie to keep all the meds from particular times together.

when i got there, they were in really bad shape, we got my mom up and cleaned up, but she couldn’t even sit up by herself. when i tried to feed her, she drooled all over everything, and she kept falling forward on the chair. then i took my aunt to go do laundry and she fell on the sidewalk right outside her apartment. oh my.

i got them quasi-situated and left, only to be called a few hours later to say they were having issues again. i needed some time to myself by this time, so i called my sister and told her it was time to step up to the plate. to her credit, she’s done a great job. she’s never been real responsible and she’s pretty narcisistic, but she’s really stepped up.

today, i am feeling almost hopeful. i have been on the phone to mom’s doctors and they are at least trying to help me. now that my mom’s taking the right medication, her foot is drying up and starting to heal. before, it just looked like it was festering, but now, it’s drying out and scabbing, which means the healing has begun. amazing what the right meds will do, eh?

i feel so many things i can’t even express. i feel guilt that i didn’t see sooner that she was in such bad shape….my sis was freaking out the other day because she was saying she didn’t think she was going to live through the night, and she didn’t want to be with her when she died. i told my sis to tell her she loved her, that we hope she doesn’t die, but if she needs to, then go ahead and we hope it happens without pain and quickly for her and not to feel bad for us, we will be okay. who has that sort of conversation?!?!?!

in the midst of all this, we had tree roots growing into our septic, so drain water was backing up into the basement, and i was also trying to get my aunt ready to go visit her sister in arizona. we got her on the plane yesterday via wheelchair, with the southwest guys being given directions how to take care of her and i made sure there would be a wheelchair on the other end waiting for her.

last night, i got an angry phone call from my rich bastard uncle yelling at me about how poor of care she’s received. i actually hung up on him and told him he had no right to judge us…say what he will, i have BEEN THERE, which is more than i can say for any other asshole in my family. i was so angry i was shaking. i never asked for any of this, but it found me.

today i am thankful to be at work, where it’s at least quiet, and there is some peace, everything is familiar and the expectations here are something i can handle because they don’t involve death. when did i become the grown up? ack!

my spirits are okay. i might be writing a lot more =) my mom is supposed to have another procedure this coming monday and i don’t know how long i will need to take care of her after that.

i am considering calling her insurance company and asking for some sort of home care, but i don’t know if they will approve it. i just need someone to help out while we are working. goddess, this is my life now…..

my spirits are generally high, but when i crash, i am going to crash hard. i cry when i am alone in my car, going from place to place. this all seems so fucking surreal, i can’t even express. i always knew there was potential for me to be in this place, i guess i just didn’t think it would happen so soon. right now is survival, crisis mode.

and that’s what our intrepid heroine is up to today, and for the past several days….

will check in as i can….

peace.

p.s. in good news, the man who lives in my state and was kia in afghanistan but was denied his religious symbol on his veteran’s headstone plaque because he’s pagan? well, the STATE veteran’s wall where it was to be decided to go ahead and give the poor man and his family their wish, so his plaque was hung this weekend….with the pentacle on it. yay, us!