sheeeeee’s baaaaaack….

so, thursday morning, about 3am, i got a call from the police in ashland oregon telling me they had stopped my daughter’s boyfriend on a traffic violation and discovered he was a runaway and she had been in the car with him and was now in their custody. she was fine apparently, they had told the cops they were going camping somewhere in ashland. about an hour and a half later, we got a call from the juvenile authorities in the area saying they were booking her and we could come and get her in the morning. the following morning, i heard from the young man’s parents saying they were also heading up to get him. there were two other kids with them, i don’t know what happened to them.

i grabbed my mom and we proceeded to drive up to oregon to get the child. lucky for me i was also interested in seeing fall colors. the drive was pretty glorious on that account. what sort of pollyanna nitwit am i that i look for the good in absolutely EVERY situation? am i just stupid? is it a coping mechanism? i just don’t know….

we got up to oregon by about 2:30 pm. lucky us, we happened to have arrived just as the young man’s parents arrived. they might have beat us by about ten minutes. i chatted with them briefly and we all thought it was a really bad idea for these two kids to keep having contact with each other. sometimes, it doesn’t matter how much you love someone, your interaction with them is toxic. that definately seems to be the case with these two. i have never done anything to choose her friends for her, but in this case, i am firm.

when she came out of the jail, i guess, i gave her a big hug and told her that i loved her no matter what. then i told her i thought her behavior was atrocious and completely rude and unaccetable, but it was the behavior and not her that i disapproved of. when she came out, she had only socks on. turns out she had left one of her shoes at the house of someone before she left town, so she had been borrowing shoes from the other girl who was with them, but she took them as her property when they all got arrested. so she literally had no shoes. we stopped and bought her some on the way out of town. it took over an hour to get her processed out. by this time, there was no way i was going to be able to drive home to get to bellydancing class, so we decided it might be best if we relaxed and stayed in a hotel that night and headed back early the next morning. my mom also wanted to watch the baseball game, so that was an extra bonus….

while we were driving around, i had told b that i thought we might stay in ashland. when we got there, we discovered that’s where she had spent a good deal of her time on her little adventure. that made me want to get the hell out of ashland as quickly as possible, to remove any temptation from her of running again. we ended up staying at this little hotel in yreka california, which suited me much better. would have been much more difficult for her to run back to any friends in ashland from there.

what am i doing? at this point, i am so freaked out about her taking off again that i have put the child safety locks on the doors and she has to be let out of the car. i don’t even feel a little bad about this. my husband showed me how to work them before i left.

we walked half a block to a chinese restaurant right next to the hotel to eat dinner that night, and although i had threatened to put one of the beds in front of the door, i didn’t do that and she was still there in the morning, so it’s all good. by this time, i am starting to figure out that i think she draws a lot of her strength from her friends. i am unsure whether or not she would run on her own. i think perhaps she would not. because she knows she’s safe if she’s with other people she knows and trusts, but if she were on her own, i don’t think she would do it. please, fates, do not prove me wrong.

i don’t know what to do now. i don’t know if i should send her away or keep her home. i want her to get help. i don’t want to be a warden, but she has to learn how to exist within the parameters of home. i need to call the psych today. i need to call the school, i need to do all sorts of things today. she makes me mad, still…and i am hurt. i will write more later, as i can.

peace. 

still no word…

today, this evening, tonight, she will have been gone for a week.

i had a horrible dream/vision last night that i had to go to the police station, like something out of CSI and identify her body. i hope this doesn’t happen.

i have been so freaked out that i forgot my mom had a medical procedure this morning. because of my heightened emotional state, this made me burst in to tears. i walked to the hospital from my job (only a couple of blocks) so that my mom wouldn’t have to be alone for her procedure. she had been pretty freaked out about it.

all this emotional upheaval is taking it’s toll on me. i try hard not to be, but i am more irritable at work, more likely to snap at people, be annoyed. shorter fuse. maybe it’s me that’s going to end up on medication for the short term. there’s just this weight of heaviness on me all the time, wondering if she is okay. hoping she is. being conflicted because part of me wants her to learn a painful lesson, but not one that will damage her for life, cause her permanent physical harm, or ruin her life…..this is very hard.

last night at bellydancing, our teacher told us that her daughter, who will be 21 this weekend, has cervical cancer. that’s very sad too. she’s a very beautiful and talented girl.

i am trying really hard to stay sane. it’s getting more and more difficult. it seems sometimes like i am addicted to drama, but i don’t think i ask for the sort of drama i get. sometimes i suppose i do, but i sure didn’t know my child was going to take off…or be mentally ill.

when i saw her counselor this week, she told me that if b comes back, she should be placed as soon as possible into an in-patient treatment center. b had said to me what her worse fear was being locked up again, but i don’t know what else to do. if i keep letting her run away, one of these times, she’s not going to come back and there’s nothing i can really do about it. it’s good and proper for children to have rights, but what happens when they have more rights than the parents who are charged with ensuring their safety? one of those social conundrums, i suppose.

despite all this doom and gloom, things aren’t horrible with me. in general, i am good, there is just an over-arcing curtain of sadness that seems to color everything i do and put a gray haze over it. and worrying constantly can’t be healthy. i have managed to sleep well the last few nights, but still peppered with disturbing and scary dreams about all the horrible things that could happen to her.

today is just sad, for me.

peace. 

the dichotomy that is my life….

in the midst of still perpetually worrying about my daughter and whether she is still alive or doing awful things to keep people taking care of her, i am also having some of the greatest times of my life. don’t think this irony isn’t lost on me, it’s not. parts of my life are so filled with joy….and other parts with sadness. i never thought my children would be such a source of angst or sadness. i guess i had an unrealistic expectation of parenthood. it’s rollercoaster is very much wearing on me.

on friday night, there was bellydancing class. it was awesome, as usual. i finally feel like i am getting somewhere with all this, and it feels great. i have felt my body changing for awhile now, which was cool, but my coordination didn’t seem to be following suit. it’s been better. this teacher does a lot of drills, but i totally see their value. plus, this week, she had a vendor come and see us so that we could shop! i wanted another black choli top, but i had forgotten my checkbook and by the time that my hubby got there with money, something more glittery had caught my eye =) i got a new scarf that’s pretty and fringy. i will order the choli later, i have the ladies card. ahhhh, the joys of shopping!

saturday, i spent with my mom. we went shopping because i had to get some pants that fit me. i figured if i was going to be asking for a raise or whatever, i probably ought to stop wearing shorts and t-shirts to work. besides, it’s getting rather chilly, so isn’t as practical anymore. bur! the cool news is that i went to a clearance center for one of the big chain stores and managed to score five pairs of pants and two long sleeve blouses (like, casual business attire) for $50. yay, me! i love bargains! the pants averaged around $6 a piece. hahahaha. so, now i have at least a week’s worth of clothes. i seriously only had like two pairs of jeans in addition to that that still fit me.

on saturday night, i got to wear one of my new outfits because there was a bellydancing show. the show was awesome, but the evening was bittersweet, as one of my good friends, it’s probably the last time i am going to see her for awhile. she is moving to germany. we are going to save money and try to go and visit her oktoberfest 2007. that is going to be a blast, if we can swing it. however, the real focus of this is to say that the bellydancing event fucking rocked my socks off!! it was so hot! it was, like, everyone still doing bellydancing, but they couldn’t do it to bellydancing music. there were all sorts of dancers there, it was sort of like an open mic night for dancing. there was a couple there that did this tango looking tantric-sort of dance that was awesome, and then there was a guy who did an interesting array of dances that were all good, including a john-travolta-esque disco thing that was awesome. so good to see a guy with rhythm out there dancing! my teacher was awesome, and really all the dancers were good. it was serious good times.

then, on sunday, i had been invited to a hike up in the mountains by a couple of friends. they had said it would be about a five mile hike. we got to the one friends house at 8am, and were out the door by 8:30. we drove a ways into the mountains, chatting and catching up with each other. we were following directions by a guy who literally wrote things like "at the road marker 24Yn64, proceed .1 mile and then stop to park the car and start your hike." the hike ended up being six and a half miles, but i did it!! i didn’t whine, and i didn’t turn around and go back when i felt like i was going to die. they had even hiked a few times previous to this, and this was my first hike with them and i managed to kind of keep up. i was pretty proud of myself, actually. we went to see fall colors, and see them we did.

here is a picture of some of the colors we saw:

here’s another, looking up into the trees:

and finally, here’s your intrepid adventurer, looking chipper:

finally, here are me and my friends, looking chipper before the hike, with a sketching effect added:

i am sort of nervous. not sure i have posted pics with this much detail of me before.

:::hiding:::::

peace.

the saga continues….

 i thought things were going better.

last night, she came home, i even gave her an extra hour in good faith that she would follow through on her commitment. i woke up this morning, went to her room to wake her for school, and she was gone. her bed had not been slept in.

i had to call the police this morning again, get a new case number. no note, no communication. about 10:30 last night, she was wandering around the front door, and i told her, brianna, it’s late and you have to go to school tomorrow….get to bed. "i will mom".

i had a really good cry this morning. i called the police again and reported her again. the counselor told me to do that, when we saw her. i called the school to make sure she didn’t show up, even though i knew she wouldn’t because her backpack was at home. her school semester is shot now. her counselor told her yesterday, if she missed one more day, no one would be able to help her. the cops told me to have them site her when she returns this time, so she will have to go to court and such. i also took her cell phone and called all the numbers in it and told all the voice mails and people i talked to that brianna left home again last night and that if anyone saw her, they probably ought to encourage her to come home, because she was a runaway.

this really doesn’t seem a lot about control to me. i believe this to be showing blatant disrespect. we even talked and i told her "i understand if you feel like you need to get away, just leave me a note or something so that i won’t worry." nothing.

i have a meeting to go to, so i can’t write more. but damn.

just.

damn.

fuck.

man, am i tired. it’s not even ten a. m. yet and i am exhausted.

now, if she comes home, i don’t even know what to do with her. school has kicked her out. she isn’t old enough to get a job, and if she gets one, then she won’t go back to school. the word "powerless" comes to mind. i am speechless and broken.

bah!

(edited to take out some duplicate wording.)

something to amuse myself later….

the other day, i got an email from this guy who i work with and he was asking me about something i had done for him over a year ago

he had a big presentation to make at our staff retreat, based on the demographic data i had given him, and he wasn’t prepared

so he asked me if i still had it

being that i have dealt with such fuckwittery often at my job, i never throw anything away

then, he said if i had it, he would buy me chocolate..and asked me if i liked dark or milk chocolate

which means, yes, i had it

so i emailed him back and said "dark", that was it

so i sent it to him and he fell all over himself thanking me, for, basically, doing my job

when i was getting my mail the other day, there were some lovely norwegian dark chocolate wafers in my box to reward me for being able to accomodate a fucktard =)

i know this is not very nice. and in most cases, the gentleman in question seems like a nice enough fellow. it’s just that people often expect herculean effort out of others and reward them in kind, when if they had just actually done something properly to begin with, such measures would have been unnecessary.

now, for your viewing pleasure (link opens in new window, i think):

http://www.mentalsoup.com/mentalsoup/basic.htm

enjoy.

come on, my life is filled with teen drama….give me a little bit of a break for being mean just this once, will ya?

thanks =)

life carries on….

so, the day after she came home, i called my eap program and got a counseling appointment. i thought that b would hate this woman because she kind of told things how they are, but she said she liked her because she could respect her honesty and straight-forwardness. we go back again on monday. i couldn’t get her a psych appointment right away, but it’s this coming tuesday too, so we will be back on track as far as her meds go.

she talked to me a lot about hating school. she hasn’t told me that the one friend she had at her current school transferred to another school, and i really think that’s what sort of precipitated this, because b thought she was alone, or felt abandoned again.

so, also the day we went to see the counselor, we went and looked at a couple of charter schools that might be more of what she needs to flourish. before, when she was institutionalized, she was in a very small class setting with lots of individual attention and she really flourished in that environment, and hasn’t done as well since. i think she just feel invisible at her current school because it’s so large and so crowded. unfortunately, because of the timing of this, both the school’s we went to are currently in the middle of their cycles. one school, called "i can do anything" charter school, is the one i’d really like to see her go to. they are starting a new session around october 10, but it’s up to a lottery if b gets in or not because they have so many applications. the other school, which i am less thrilled about, but it’s closer to home, is not taking new students until january. so, i asked her to hang in there with her current school just until one of these others worked out. she could get in to icda, and i will be sending my energy that way, but i am not sure how realistic that is at this point.

yesterday happened to have been dental hygiene day for my family. another annoying thing about my daughter is that she has taken such poor care of her teeth since she’s had braces that she is going to have some permanent scarring from the brackets on her teeth. there’s nothing the dentist can do about it that doesn’t cost a ton more money. this is disappointing, but again, is her issue. i can’t really see the scars, but the braces are still there. we will see how things look if she ever gets the damn things off.

bellydancing class last night was fun, if a little off-putting. the instructor invited a toddler she met at one of her performances to the class last night and it was pretty disruptive. some of us take that class to get away from children =) also, last night was the last class for my friend who is moving to germany. i will miss her a lot.

so, life continues. and generally, it’s good. right now, i look at my daughter and still love her because she is of me, but i sure don’t like her very much right now. but i have been forcing myself to spend time with her, to listen to her, and to try to remember that she really is very sweet when she’s normal. it’s hard sometimes.

anyway….that’s about it for now. just wanted to let everyone know what’s going on.

peace. 

well, she’s home….

well, another update.

my daughter came home. other than knowing she’s okay, i can’t honestly say i am even glad. this is very, very stressful.

i don’t know how to deal with this. i asked her to write for me why she left, if she felt out of control, why she felt out of control and ideas about how we could negotiate to make things better for everyone. d and i both hugged her and told her we loved her. she was brought home by the people she was staying with. she apparently lied through her teeth to them too. she told them my d beat her! he has NEVER laid a hand on her, and i know this to be true. it’s true because he knows what it’s like to be physically hurt by someone larger than him and he would never do that to another human being. thank goodness these people have met us and didn’t believe her, but my goddess, the LIES. where does it end?

here is what she gave me:

"first of all, the reason i left is because right now, the though of being controlled i HATE. it’s like, yeah. i’m a teenager mom, i want freedom! i don’t want to worry about coming home! honestly, if i wasn’t so worried about going to school and being arrested i would have gone. second, i didn’t feel out of control at all, i just didn’t want to come home.

look, i just want the freedom to leave for a couple days and not have to worry about coming home but thats too much to ask so i honestly don’t  know what to do to make things better. so yeah i guess that’s all i really have to say."

because i had reported her as a runaway, the cops had to come back to our house. the cop who came back had an earlier altercation with her, and he knows her. he told her how life is. if she doesn’t go to school, all she will be fit to do is strip or be a street person. she acted like this was no big deal. she laughed and had attitude with the cop.

while we were talking to the cop, my husband went up to her room and she was making a joke about things to all her friends on the computer.

i was feeling bad for her. i was feeling guilty because i was thinking this was all my fault for not forcing her to stay on meds. but she really does seem to think that she’s a little adult. seriously. i don’t know how to deal with this at all. tomorrow, we are going to go to employee assistance, and see if we can see the psych or the gp to get meds.

i told her already, if she tells me what she needs, i can negotiate that with her. but she is fifteen damn years old! i don’t think "staying gone for a few days" is acceptable at all. how can she even suggest it might be?

i totally don’t get this.

oh well, i am sure there will be more to report tomorrow.

goodnight.