Always catching up….

 Why do I forget this place? I think I avoid coming here when I don’t want to face things, face myself.

The end of last year kind of sucked, and it was lonely.

On October 13, I said goodbye to my best friend. My fur baby, my Grizzle Fo’Shizzle. He was 14, and he went to the Rainbow Bridge at our house, surrounded by those who loved him. He was having a great morning, and eating all his favorite things. About two weeks prior, he had a really scary seizure, and he never really recovered from that, it slowed him down A LOT. I will miss that big lug the rest of my days. He was love, to me. Life hasn’t been the same. I am writing his story, but every time I start, or go back to that entry, the tears start and I know it isn’t time yet. I’ll get there.

That is my majestic boy, before he got overly gray.

Life is so strange.

(above photo is our Winter this year. We generally get snow, but it doesn’t generally stick around very long. This year, it certainly has, uggh. Kind of OVER IT, as much as we need the water.)

I’ve done my best as a parent, and as anyone who has adult children knows, your best is never good enough. They aren’t kidding when they say that when kids end up in therapy, everything is the parents’ fault. When your child is trying to improve herself, going to therapy and trying to become more healthy, it’s all going to come back on you. I am also fond of saying that just when you think there are no more ways that your children can break your heart, they will find new ways. It seems there are always new ways. My heart has been breaking for awhile, with my daughter. When she was going through a rough time as a teenager, we went to therapy and it broke my heart when she said, when the counselor asked her why she hadn’t come to me, when she started to self-harm, that she didn’t tell me because she didn’t want to disappoint me.

She’s been sober for something like seven years now. I felt like I was there for her through that journey. My heart soared for her when she FINALLY started to ingest the things she was learning in therapy. When she finally SAW that while the guy she was pining for was a beautiful person, that as a felon and a fellow addict, their future together would have been one of struggle. In the end, though, at this moment, she sees me as her abuser and the one who neglected her. That’s the place she is in her healing process. I accept this, I know it’s a phase, and I hope she comes out the other side with us being able to have a relationship, but with some stuff that has been said, it will never be the same.

Another HUGE realization for me the last little while is that it’s very hard to have an adult relationship with your child. I thought we had transitioned to that, and I was relieved, because now the pressure was off me. The pressure is never really off. Where I had thought we were having adult conversations, she was perceiving that I was judging her, still trying to parent her, or control her. Treating her like a child. None of those things were happening, but you can’t tell someone that. It’s been a sad and soul-destroying time for me.

We have been co-housing for the last five years, and that will come to an end likely by Summer. That also makes me sad, but was, perhaps, inevitable, especially with all this other crap swirling around.

I have five years left before I retire, I just went over 24 years at my job. My life is not what I thought it would be. I worked harder last year than I have in a very long time, and I was rewarded for it, financially. And I have to consider if I want to continue my life the way it is…in a perpetual state of taking care of others. I won’t say that I always come last, because the last few years has taught me that that isn’t acceptable, but as long as the pressure or expectation is there that I will take care of things, I’m not generally as high on the list as I would be were it just me.

There’s more to say, but that’s enough for now.

I need to remember this place exists, especially when I’m feeling alone. Even if no one reads here, it’s okay, it’s for me. There is precious little of that in my life. Things I do expressly and only for me. It’s becoming more common.

Did I mention I am going to go to New Orleans for the first time in October? I am going to make this happen! That will be part of my solace this year!

Peace.