parts…

part of me wants to write, and part of me does not.

i have been trying to change some internal programming lately and have been having mixed success. sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. the programming i am trying to change surrounds caretaking for everyone. when i do this i think it’s to everyone’s detriment because they come to rely on that rather than being self-sufficient and it adds exponentially to my stress. i felt good about really reading the words i was writing to d in his latest crisis and telling him that while i was sorry he was feeling so badly, if he had a problem with someone else who lives in our house, it was his responsibility to resolve that with that person and not expect me to take care of things for him. it felt good to write that, but it also made me anxious because he made noises about finding somewhere else to live. i didn’t freak out at all about this, not even in my head, which is really unusual.

i am very tired and feeling very un-connected to him right now, so i was about to the point that if he chose that, it would be okay with me. i would be incredibly, amazingly sad and full of grief, but maybe that’s the way things are supposed to go. with his email this afternoon, he was more up front about sharing that he really just wanted to vent. while i appreciate that, i haven’t answered his email yet because i think he could have told me that before now in the day, so maybe i want him to wait a little bit before getting a reply from me.

lately, i am obsessed with bellydancing and that seems like a safe thing to be obsessed about. i bought a costume on ebay that was custom made for me…it was supposed to ship today and i am very anxious to get it and see what it will be like.

tonight i am attending a burning man event where there will be fire spinning. part of me really wants to go, and part of me doesn’t. i guess i am feeling very gemini today, i keep contradicting myself. the part that wants to go thinks it will be fun and the part that doesn’t want to go thinks maybe it would be better if i just went home and hid. but i don’t want to do that and i promised someone that i would go, so i shall. if someone calls to ask where i am, i will answer, but otherwise, that information will not be forthcoming.

bellydancing is the thing that keeps me sane right now. tomorrow, i am anxious to take two classes in a row. i have been doing really good with eating well, and i am starting to see changes in my body again, still, i don’t kow…it’s impossible to tell. my clothes are more loose and  while doing something mundane the other day, my wedding ring flew off because it was so loose. freudian slip? hard to say at this point =) there is so much cool stuff to learn. i had cabaret class last night, and when i see myself in the mirror now, it looks like i know how to make my body move the right way. this makes me happy. i am not a bad dancer. this saturday represents the open floor night where i was supposed to dance, but it’s not going to happen for a variety of reasons. part of me wants to dance with someone else the first time, and part of me wants to dance alone the first time. i am tossing around and playing with choreography and songs. it will probably be a long time before i am able to do anything, but i am thinking about it. i want it to be something that is uniquely mine, pulling from my own personal dance experience so far. probably a fantasy, but that’s okay too.

i recorded all the songs from depeche mode’s "black celebration" on my computer at work and the song "sometimes" is playing right now. i like that song very much..it’s kind of sad and that’s how i am feeling today…i am calm about it, in a good place and feeling okay, just a little sad.

there is one more interview i must attend today and three tomorrow. this one should be the most interesting. the position that is being interviewed right now is one that works closely with me. so far, there are a couple of candidates that are okay, one that way bad, and the next one i have high hopes for.

i think that’s all i have to say right now.