yes, this is another pantheacon entry, but it felt important to put it here too. because this is an important part of my evolution.
i wrote this this morning for another online blog i keep. then posted it in another.
it’s been weird for me to write here lately. i am full of ambivilant and traitorous thoughts of the diarymaster and the continued existence of this place. these thoughts have no bearing in reality, but i caught myself feeling them, so i thought i would record them. like, a little mad that the diarymaster can ask for money and everyone gives and gives, but when i needed a little help, he was not compassionate to me and made me "free" anyway. like we are supposed to be loyal to him, but he doesn’t have to be loyal.
i have a very good friend here, though…that i think i have known almost a decade now. she lives in australia and we’ve never met, but that doesn’t lessen the genuineness, true affection, or authenticity of our friendship. at one point, we decided we had a torrid, lesbian love affair in a prior life and have been placed in each others lives this time just to keep an eye on each other. she gifted me a six month subscription, when i was down and out. thank you, phoenixsoul, for being a loyal and true friend, even when i sometimes feel like a crappy one who doesn’t read or note enough. you are always in my heart. i brought her here and now i think she is as addicted as i used to be. now, it seems my writing is spread out across the internet and i keep some things here and other things elsewhere. like i am segmented online or something. different pieces in different spots. maybe there is part of me that is stil hiding.
so, here’s the entry from elsewhere:
so, every year for the past three or four years, in february, i have gone to this nifty and oh-so-cool pagan convention in san jose on president’s day weekend called pantheacon. the first time i went, i participated in this really cool workshop called "dancing in the dark" which was an excellent experiment in collective movement that the facilitator was using to complete her master’s degree in dance, i believe. it was very cool, you started out as a singular unit, moving your body parts and then joining with another and continuing to move, but now together, until at the end, everyone is sort of one big miasma of movement. very cool, but participating in that made me realize how out of shape i was. i thought it was going to kill me. it was 90 minutes of solid movement and i think i was sort for about three days!!
the next year, i had started doing yoga, but only once or twice a week, with gaps in between. when i was in class, it was never half-assed and i made some flexibility gains i was proud of. also began trying to eat differently since diabetes runs in my family. just being aware of glycemic indexes and such. i began to feel better….
fast forward to the next year, which was last year. this year, i decided to take a yoga class. it was a great class, and the teacher became a friend of mine that i kept in contact with all year. she had just found out she was pregnant and would be having a baby. the class used poses i was somewhat familiar with, but with a goddess focus i hadn’t experienced before which was awesome. the bad news, though, was that it just about incapacitated me for one full day of the con. i was so sore, i could barely move! i spent some time in the hottub, missed some workshops i had really wanted to do, and it shook my confidence with myself.
so, later in the year, at the start of summer, i began bellydancing. a was cajoled into it by a couple of friends, who took one class and called me saying "you HAVE to do this with us…it’s SO MUCH FUN!!" i think i am now more fanatical than any of them! i now dance in different classes two days a week and have just begun practicing to some videos to see if i can get to dance every day. my body has changed, core strength increased, and clothes fitting way different than they did before…
well, two weeks ago was president’s day weekend and we headed BACK to pantheacon. i was overjoyed to learn that my friend would be teaching yoga again, and i was anxious to see her, go to her class, and thought "she better bring pictures of the baby!!" she did better than that, she brought the baby!! her class was awesome again, but this time, it was ME who was awesome. in just a year, the class didn’t wind me at all, i wasn’t sore, i was able to particpate in two other workshops the SAME DAY that also involved activity, do two more yoga classes, and felt full of energy the entire weekend! even the women i came with were going "dude, are you on crack? you CAN’T still have energy…you are running us ragged just watching you!"
high on life, baby.
feeling good. i FEEL like my body is my friend again! this was such a transformative year for me, both at the con and personally. i feel like i really made some significant strides on my personal growth surrounding issues such as self-love, body acceptance, how important movement is to me, sisterhood, spirituality, forgiveness of self, and dance.
today, since i came home and as much as i can strive for, i feel triumphant.
life is good.
not perfect, there are still small stressors and stupid shit to be upset about. who cares about money or the lack of it? this year, i feel like i have gained something infinitely more important and it feels awesome.
peace.
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