RIP, My Friend...

Michael Lewis Ritchey, 12-16-1965 to 7-17-2023

Mike was my friend. I found out about his passing last night.

I met him in the mid-90’s, when I was divorced. We dated briefly. I would say, likely between 1997 and maybe 2004 of 2005, we didn’t speak, and then he started messaging me again on Messenger, I think. I think we actually met on AOL, which probably tells you anything you need to know about how old I am.

There’s so much to say about my friend. He mattered, his story mattered. I have so much grief for him. I am so sorry he never had or experienced the sort of all-encompassing, all consuming love that takes ones breath away. He lived a dysfunctional life. His mom died of cancer when he was a teen and I think his dad, a lifelong Boeing worker, didn’t know how to be nurturing. He had a brother that died several years ago suddenly and that shook him mightily, as I think the brother might have been younger, but died of a sudden cardiac event. He was brilliant and wrote books about gambling, odds, and mathematical computation to beat those odds =)

I don’t think I have records anymore of the first time he visited me in Reno again, I think it was early 2000’s. The farthest back I could find was April 2013, when he came to Reno and I took him to Virginia City. He was enchanted. He said the thing that struck him the most about being there is that it’s truly a town that time forgot. While there is electricity in the city, it is almost eerily quiet. Until he said something, I hadn’t noticed that there is no “city noise” there. It’s an isolated, sort of mountain little village/town, and there’s no hustle or bustle there because there is none. We looked across the 600 mile canyon, where, on a clear day (and the day we were there was clear), you can see alll the way to Utah, which is a feat, as VC is in Western Nevada.

He was so sweet. Because I do a ton with events, the arts, and Burning Man in my local community, I know a lot of people. It’s fair to say that we literally almost could not go out to dinner without me seeing someone I knew through the communities I am connect to. He used to tell me I was a minor Reno celebrity. One time, we went to an Italian restaurant downtown and saw the then-Mayor. He knew me from arts work and grant meetings and said “Gemini, so good to see you!” I introduced him, said he was from visiting from Seattle, and the Mayor was very gracious. We saw down and Mike said “I can’t believe we are out to dinner and you just introduced me to the freaking MAYOR of your town!” In may ways, Reno is still very much a small town =)

I had a couple of very bad years where I took a job as a full-time events manager and I hated it. I had entertained the idea of being done with Burning Man. Still being as busy as I ever way, but doing it for just one place, instead of for free for all the places. There was no work/life balance and my boss and I just didn’t communicate well. But one of the highlights of that job is that I got to show Mike through the venue and some of the “secret” things about the venue that not a lot of people get to see. Like the “Metallica Hole” at the top of grid that is above the arena floor that had to be cut for the Metallica Black tour to accommodate their specific stage and setup, and the underground drainage system that keeps water out of the venue, that is built on top of an aquafir =)

We used to sort of play this game in Reno. We were both foodies, and with the exception of very exceptional meals, when he came to visit me, in about 15 or more years of doing so, we never ate at the same restaurant twice. The rules were relatively simple, that we wouldn’t eat at any chains, they would be local eateries. There was never a shortage of unique places to take him in town, as restaurants often have a short life, and are always changing in any town.

He loved baseball, he loved the history of baseball, the history of baseball stadiums, and he was a lifelong and rabid Seattle Mariner’s fan. It didn’t matter how badly the team did, he always rooted for his M’s. Another thing we would do is whenever I had to travel for work or for fun, if there was a historic baseball place where I was, I would go there to be able to take pictures and send to him. I went to New York City and stayed in Brooklyn once, and he sent me to the former Brookly Dodgers home, before they moved to LA, Ebbets Field. It’s now a horrific housing project, like a giant monstrosity of a building, but there’s historical plaque and the portion of one wall there commemorating where it once stood. I went and took a picture for my friend. From what I gather, it was a dangerous part of town and a nice man I met, who I asked to take a picture of me in front of the wall said “Where in the world are you from?! GO HOME, this is not a nice place for you,” as he handed back my digital camera. Thanks, sir. I also went to Minneapolis for a work conference once (June 2019) and went to a Twins game because there was some historical marker or some such there that he wanted me to see, or that I saw for him. And sent him copious pictures.

He loved comic books, and one of his favorite comic book artists was Neal Adams, like old style Batman comics, he had a distinct style. In November of 2014, he came to see me in Reno, one of the few years Reno got to host a ComicCon, and Neal Adams was there. He got to meet his idol, shake his hand, and he bought me a beautiful Norman Reedus print Adams had drawn. It’s still very much HIS style, but the subject matter of a TV show was outside what he usually does. I will cherish it always. Below is a picture he took of me meeting and shaking Neal Adams hand, and below that is the print he got for me. He paid for the framing and everything, and wouldn’t take no for an answer for me to pay a portion of things.

By 2016, his health was beginning to fail. I went to Seattle to visit him and we were supposed to go to another ComicCon, I stayed at a really cool hostel across from Pike Place Market, and when I got there, I didn’t hear from him, which was extremely unusual. It turns out he was in the hospital. He was having trouble with his liver. He was always very vague about his health problems, I think he suffered a lot more than he let on.

We did manage a Mariners game when I was in Seattle in 2016:

This was really the first time I was super concerned for his health. He wanted to hang out and do the things with me so badly, and he just couldn’t. He spent most of his time with me in the area this time in the hospital. I went to visit him there every day that I could, and we did go to a Mariners game. To me, in this picture, he looks sick and jaundiced, which makes sense for liver difficulties. I don’t think he had the wherewithal to advocate for himself, or do the research that was needed to make his life better.

In July, 2019, he came to Reno again, and I was able to share some of my life with him. During that month, there is a month-long arts festival that happens in Reno called Artown. There is an event called “Pops on the River” that is a costume competition and high dollar fundraising event for the local Philharmonic. This year, we got Mike in, and I think he had a great time, I think the theme this year was the 60’s. So, my very talented friend who is a tie dye artist got to sell Mike a shirt and he had a good time. This is a sun drenched picture:

At this point I had hope for him! He seemed to be on better footing with his liver problems, he had lost weight, and was trying to get more active. I just don’t think he had a sense of how sick he was, the entire time he was sick. He looked better than he had in a long time.

Then the pandemic happened. No travel. Work from home. Sickness. Death. I’m pretty sure he had Covid, as he continued to move in and out of hospitals. He came in July 0f 2021, it was during the hottest weather in Nevada, and he was frail. We did manage some good hikes, and even encountered a bear in Galena, a mountain area on the way to larger mountains =)

He looked sick here, and he didn’t have the stamina to really walk around much and his balance was much, much worse for the wear. Every time I saw him the last few years, I wondered if it would be the last time. I’m sorry this time ended up being the last time. I wish I had taken more time. When he was coming every year, I used to sometimes get annoyed, being the social director. Then I’d try to have grace, because he didn’t really have anyone in his life. He had an ex-coworker named Larry and his wife who were probably closest to him. When he died, Larry posted on Facebook under his profile “Hello Mike’s friends. I’m very sorry to tell you all but Mike passed away peacefully Monday evening”. That was it. A lifetime of friendship, memories, good times. Gone. I have been missing my friend lately. Missing the random texts. “The Mariners won today.” Or “The M’s looked awful last night” or “How are you doing?” or even “Hoping to get down again before the end of the year, what’s your schedule looking like?”.

I miss my friend.

I loved him.

I have been composing this entry since he passed in July. I needed to complete it. Here it is. Today is October 5, 2023.

I hope he is at peace.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life…

 I create my life.

That’s SO profound. I am not a victim. I am not a villian. I am not going to cop out or drop out on my past behavior or my actions or any of that.

No one did anything wrong, this is my ego speaking for my animal, and all of this is a lie, the story my animal is telling my ego to process what is happening in my life right now.

Today, my adult daughter and her family left Northern Nevada, headed for Kentucky. We have been co-housing for over five years. The relief, for me, is tangible. I am excited to go home today, for the first time in a really, really long time. It was time for this to happen and part of me is thankful that my daughter had the temerity to be the one to make the decision that led us here, because the way I was, before, I am not sure I would have had the strength to do it. I was so, so hurt at first, and now, I am giddy in anticipation.

I am going to miss my grand kids something fierce. I am NOT going to miss my daughter or her toxic, pop-psychology bullshit. She called me a narcissist, she has said awful, hurtful things to me. I have allowed this. I have felt guilty. I have perpetuated the drama triangle with her. I think in some ways, I have enabled her behavior towards me.

What is it that makes us sacrifice everything for those we love? Society? Familial obligation? What we are taught? Yes, all of those things, but fuck, for reals, that shit is SO toxic! If swearing offends you, I’ll pause here for a moment so you can show yourself out…heh.

I have seriously been pondering this. With this new UpLvl Communication technique, it’s mind boggling how often we listen to these narratives that aren’t ours and that work against our own best interests. I have a lot of processing to do, but I know that this is the way. This is the path. It feels good and authentic to me, and it makes me feel infinitely powerful and like I am, in fact, creating my life. Things are working out. For the first time in a long time, life doesn’t feel like a slog. It feels like it’s flowing in the proper direction, and things are going to work out.

The rift between us is a repeating pattern in my life. In my family of origin, I was the “fixer”, the one that made everything okay. My mom was that way too, and as I got older, I took that role, too. The caretaker, the one who always held everyone else’s stuff, while mine never really got dealt with. This was a HUGE pattern with my sister. Silly me, I had thought that I had learned the lesson because I had established a boundary with my sister at one point and refused to rescue her. Then the universe showed me that I wasn’t done learning that lesson, or taking away what I needed to because it repeated the pattern with my daughter. I thought it was different. Then I went to therapy and it clicked. Exactly. The. Fucking. Same. Holy shit, color me stupid, Batman. I feel like such a fool. I thought it was different because it was my kid and not my sister.

So much time enabling. The beginning was a couple years ago when I realized *I* was the only one sacrificing to give people in my life who I loved the things they wanted. They weren’t and weren’t willing to do the same for me. That hurt me bad, but I kept looking for the lesson. At the time the lesson presented itself, I wanted to be the victim. Poor me. Why won’t anyone take care of me the way I take care of them?! Because it’s not healthy, dumbass. We all create our own lives, and we create our own lessons. I ALLOW or permit people to treat me in certain ways, and if those ways disrespect me, that’s on me, and no one else. Yes, I feel like a dumbass for allowing this. No more. That energy needs to get up out of here. It’s over. Done.

Today, is the first day of the rest of my life.

Thank goodness.

Onward.

Upward.

The lavender is a plant that I pass, on my way from my parking space into my office every day at work. As I walk past it, sometimes I caress it’s little lavender leaves and smell my hand for the calming blast of lavender smell it gives my brain. In the afternoons, like now when it’s near 100 degrees, I tend to not touch it….because the bees swarm it and seem to so much be enjoying it’s pollen and bounty. Thanks, bees.

Happy Friday.

Peace.

Transformational art and healing…

 I have continued my learning in UpLvl Communication. It’s been SO GOOD. And then, sometimes, we take a break to do something amazing, and it ends up being even more amazing than we thought it would be, and we receive exactly what we need to unstick the flood of emotions that often overwhelm, or that we’ve been careful about releasing because once the flood gates are open, it can be challenging to staunch the flow. I think I’m at a place where I’m pretty done staunching the flow and just want everything to flow outside me, because keeping it in makes us sick.

I had agreed to go on an “art hike” with some friends. Honestly, I was not looking all that much forward to it, but I’ve decided the time has come to start getting out again, start being joyful and intentional and remember to say “Why not?” instead of “Why” or “No”.

Going back a bit though….I arrived at work on Friday and was asked in pretty short order, “Do you have time in your schedule to go with them up to the Tahoe Campus today? I’d like you to be there to verify and watch the receiving of the podiums and to ensure they get moved carefully and with no damage.” Well, first of all, he’s the boss, so of course I’m going to make time, but bottom line, it was Friday, and there are definitely worse ways to spend the work day than getting to spend some time in one of the most amazing and beautiful places in the world. While we were unloading the podiums, this was the view right outside the storage room doors:

The day was pretty awesome, I felt like we worked quickly and efficiently, and there was no freight damage to any of the items! A TOTAL win!

Then, I knew we were in for a busy day Saturday. In the quest for energy clearing, and also peace of mind, in addition to having a requirement for the refinance people, we needed to clean out the crawl space between floors in our house. I now own the house my parents bought as new in 1963. There have always been people in my family living in the house, and NONE of them every cleared out the crawl space. Ya’all, that’s at least three generations of crap. The crazy thing is, much of this crap was stuff like empty boxes, bags and boxes with empty bags and boxes. As a Depression-era human, my mom never threw ANYTHING away, so putting things “in the hole” became the compromise of living with someone who has hoarder tendencies. I was determined that was all going to change!

What back-breaking, grueling work! I sherpa’d for much of the day. My husband was kind enough to crawl IN the space and move boxes forward and fill trash bags with the detritus of  my family. We found some interesting things, sort of like a time capsule. Here’s one stunning fashion find:

It was, in fact, exhausting and at one point, I got overheated, my arms started to itch because I’d carried up many boxes, some of which had been resting on fiberglass insulation for a long time, and it became sort of hard to breathe. AND, to both our luck and consternation, it was “free dump day” in our community, so we managed two dump runs to get rid of this stuff, but each one took minimum of an hour, and there were long, long lines. The good news is that we were also able to get rid of an old TV, and some old, mostly empty but still hazardous paint cans, because it was a community-type cleanup day. Usually, you have to pay extra for those things. Overall, a complete win!

Then, I was home, had just exhaled a bit, feeling like we had accomplished a lot for the day, and got a text from a friend. This is someone I worked with a long time ago, when I worked in Extended Studies. We’ve had a tradition since I stopped working there, that each June, we would get together again to connect and maintain our friendship, by attending the Reno Rodeo, which is billed as “the wildest, richest rodeo in the West”. I don’t know if all those things are still true, but I think so. At any rate, they changed a lot of policies this year, including how people get tickets and she’d tried for DAYS, back in the Fall, and had completely struck out, so I was sad, having FOMO, and resigned that I was not going to the rodeo this year. Then she texts out of the blue and says her husband doesn’t want to go, do I want to go to THE FINALS?! Umm, yeah! I told her, give me half an hour to wash the funk off my body and I’d be down there. Dangit, I’d scored brand new cowboy boots earlier this Spring at a friends garage sale and was SO ANXIOUS to wear them! The rodeo was good! I say I always go and root for the cows, and they definitely won this year. There was also a super sad accident in bull riding where a cowboy got pummeled pretty good, but we’ve heard since he is going to make it and even won an award.

So, Sunday dawned with me being tired, already feeling over-worked and not super looking forward to the art hike, and yet, yes, looking forward. We were going to go up and do the hike, and then enjoy a potluck style picnic in the Sierra’s. I’d never been to something like this, so was unsure what to expect besides a 2.5-3 mile hike and some art =)

I’m going to make a separate post about the art hike, and each stop, but this post is largely about transformational art. When we started on the hike, it was pleasant. It’s been sort of unseasonably cool this Spring, and even though Summer has started, there was still a chill in the mountain air, and a period breeze rippling through the Aspen trees. We get to the first art stop, and there are two people seated, one with a guitar. The guitarist starts playing and when this man opens his mouth to sing, a thing happened that opened my heart with it’s beauty, bared the recent pain in my soul to the universe, and showed me that whatever happens, it’s all going to be okay. He sang the most soulful rendition of “Let it Be” I’ve ever experienced. There are things happening with my daughter I’ve been venting about in here, that there’s very little I can do about. It’s not my journey and not my story, these are her experiences and her stories to get right with, and I will not know probably for awhile how I fit into her life moving forward. Sometimes it seems trite to post song lyrics. It was the exact thing I needed to be reminded of, in that moment:

When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me speaking words of wisdom
Let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom
Let it be

Let it be
Let it be
Let it be
Let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be
When all the broken-hearted people
Living in the world agree, there will be an answer
Let it be

Although they may be parted
There is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer
Let it be
Let it be
Let it be
Let it be, yeah
Let it be

There will be an answer
Let it be
Oh, let it be
Let it be
Let it be
Let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be

Let it be
Let it be
Let it be, yeah
Let it be
There will be an answer
Let it be

And when the night is cloudy
There is still a light that shines on me
Shine until tomorrow
Let it be
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
There will be no sorrow
Let it be

Let it be
Let it be
Let it be
Let it be
There will be no sorrow
Let it be

Let it be
Let it be
Yeah, Let it be
Yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom
Let it be

I don’t think it’s necessarily realistic to think there will be no sorrow, there is always sorry, especially as us imperfect humans process the junk and lessons that our minds create for us to evolve our souls and higher selves. I think the suffering is part of the process and necessary, but entirely of our own making.

This dress wasn’t at the installation of “Let it Be”, but a later one, but I want to record these thoughts and feelings like everything is fresh in my brain still, so maybe, some day, I can come back and visit them, if only to see how far I’ve come. It really is true that we show people how they can treat us, and sometimes, that’s not the best thing for our psyche’s.

Peace.

 The theme was “The Space Between”.

On the webpage for these events, there is no indication of who did what, just all the artists on the page, so I spent a fair amount of time scrolling through them all to try to identify who I’d seen the day before.

1. Let it be – Guitar – Lucas Arizu, singer Davon Fleming, Dancers Brandon “Knowbody” Greathouse and Leigh Collins (I think). One of the most beautiful parts of this experience is that, as a group, my friends and I had arranged to do sort of a “potluck” picnic lunch after our hike so we could continue to enjoy the majesty of our surroundings. While we were taking our last bathroom break before heading back down the mountain, we saw the artists making their way back from their stations, and I got to see, meet, and talk to Davon Fleming. I got to give him a hug, tell him how beautiful his artistry was, and how much his performance had moved our group. There were a couple of others from our group who mirrored my sentiments, and he also seemed to get something from the appreciation, all a girl could ask for. I hope we were able to fill his heart even a fraction of how he was able to fill ours. A-mazing.
2. Weaving the forest – strips of fabric woven between the Aspens. Pick a stick and some scrap fabric, decide how they go together, then weave your stick into the larger tapestry between the trees, or on a tree.
3. Four white-clad wood nymphs with chimes dance around us, then dance for us, as we hold the chimes. Blending the separation between performer and audience to allow everyone to experience the energy of the dance. Jennie Pitts Knipe
4. Making mandalas in forestry management burn spaces with Andres Amador. Take a deep breath, bend down and place your hands on the earth. Move hands up your body, taking energy from the earth, moving it through your body and releasing it through the crown chakra and into the universe.
5. 
6. Emily Tessmer sang us a beautiful song based on a poem by a woman who traveled and explored the paths in the Sierra Nevada in the early 1900’s when it was much less common for women to do so. The name of the new song and upcoming documentary is “Unseen”.
7. The final experience was with harpist Motoshi Kosako. He had a beautiful harp in the Sierra Nevadas.

He began to play, then, like wood nymphs materializing from our of the forest, four young ladies came out and did dance accompanied by the harp. They were called Innerrhythms Dance Theatre. Very, very magical.

 

This entire experience reminded me of what art is. Art exists to make us think, to inspire emotion, to help us work through our own crap and the things we create in our minds to help us process our experience and grow our souls. Art is release, balm to the psyche, emotion we are afraid of feeling but are compelled to because of the experiencing of it…which allows us to release that pent-up emotion…..and heal.

This was exactly what my spirit needed, and I didn’t even know it.

Peace.

Another orbit around…

 The 21st was my birthday.

I never in my life thought I would live past 30, much less make it to 55. The funny thing? Good Goddess, do I love life! My goal is to make it to 100, or die trying, as a friend and I often joke.

And….then discovered on the 22nd (coincidentally, my oldest child’s birthday hahaha, my almost literal “twin”) that another friend had passed unexpectedly, and he was younger than I was. He was a beautiful soul.

I went camping for my birthday, and also help facilitate for a Burning Man regional leadership conference that I participate in. Here’s some trees that took my breath away, where we were camping.

In general, I am pretty happy with my life. I am getting over the fact that my daughter may not ever come back to the knowledge of how much she is loved and cherished. I hope she learns to love and forgive herself and me enough to get to that space, but ultimately, it’s out of my control and beyond what I am able to do or make happen. I miss her, but having my eyes opened to things makes me realize my perception of how things were between us wasn’t accurate anyway. There is a ton of sadness there, and also acceptance. The more I think about things, the more I realize the universe has put two very similar people (my sister and my daughter) in my path for me to learn specific lessons. I think I am still figuring out what some of those lessons are. I might write about this more later.

On May 13, I went to a workshop. It was about a new way to communicate called “UPLVL Communication”. There were other things in the workshop too, but this was MY personal focus. She has a book and it can be found here. It posits that there are three parts to our psyche, if you will. The “animal”, the “ego” and the “higher self”. I cannot even begin to tell you how deeply this resonated with me. It gave me a framework through which to have my feelings heard, feel like they were heard and acknowledged, which released their charge for me, and allows me to let them go. This is going to take practice, for sure. Since then, I’ve had the chance to tell a few people about it, and helped teach a part of it, this last weekend. I might continue to write about my processing of things here, but I’m not going to explain it or go into a lot of detail, because that’s the job of coaches and the book, not me. The technique I learned is called “UPLVL Venting”, and it’s part of the process. Only a part. For me, this makes it so that I don’t feel invisible. It allows me to express what I’m feeling and allow myself to be soothed. This has been huge for me.

The birthday was good. I spent it with friends. I feel a bit discombobulated now, realizing I haven’t written about this and now feel like it’s a HUGE part of my life.

I rode my bike to work today. It was fun. It was easier than I thought it would be. I like doing this. There are currently thunder storms, and it’s looking like I’m going to be riding home in it. I can’t even lie, I’m sort of looking forward to it.

Here is a pinecone heart someone made at the camp ground we stayed at last weekend. They must have known I needed this.

Peace.

Being more healthy…my saga continues

 Okay, so, a recap of where I’ve been. In 2006, my mom died. It was pretty devastating. At that point, I weighed just about 300 lbs. This was burning man, the next year, in 2007, and despite this smile, I was a hot mess. The picture next to it was last year, in November, at the end of November, beginning of December.

That’s fifteen years difference there. And just about 100 pounds. I now hover just above 200 lbs. But I am so. much. healthier. In mind, body, and spirit. Sometimes, I think we need to look at the progress. I was trying to find an earlier picture, but think this is pretty good. The funny thing is that when this was taken, I was actually a bit on the road to being healthier. I was fire dancing in 2007, and sometimes rehearsing several days a week. I was also bellydancing, and performing for both.

I don’t really remember where I was going with this, except that it had been awhile since I’d done a side-by-side, maybe never. I don’t honestly remember. But I do remember assembling this and being proud.

We are on our way to another Summer, and it feels good. Going to publish this and then start writing another entry. Trying to catch up!

Peace.

I didn’t go to therapy this week….

 When I was leaving my last appointment, the receptionist wasn’t there. In the ensuing time, I did not call. Meh, I am on the fence about it. I will call, eventually, and get the thing sorted. I’ve also discovered that procrastination is a non-coping mechanism for overwhelm for me. heh.

I am generally feeling better.

I had homework. I will call again, but I need to straighten some stuff out first.

I’m having some financial woes. I counted on some stuff I shouldn’t have counted on, and now I’m struggling and trying to find a way out and coming to terms with the fact that I am going to have to tighten my belt, at least for a little while. This is me being accountable. I have some “extra” money coming in at the end of the month, for which I am trading labor, but every little bit helps. It will all work out, the important thing is not to panic. Somewhat easier said than done, I will persevere.

Life is so interesting. People I never thought would be family are….family of choice and actual family has made it super clear they have no interest in being a part of my life. Having relationships means efforts on all the sides and I no longer have time and will not make the time for people who do not make time for me. Maybe that’s the lesson of getting older. I don’t know.

I think our society is at a precipice. I hope it is, kind of, and also acknowledge that it is and will be painful and probably messy. Our entire society is built on individualism, grow up, grow out, get out on your own. And yet, fundamentally, we are tribal and are the happiest when we share space and commune with other humans. Maybe the lesson is that as you age, my therapist says that each stage of life prepares you for the next stage of life, so if one stays “stuck” or doesn’t take any or the appropriate action in one phase, that’s how we get so messed up. I think of this in relation to my daughter, or generational relationships in general. What happens when a child DOES NOT grow up, move out and become independent? What happens when there are unhealthy patterns in there, sometimes generations deep of codependence, neediness, enabling, and family dynamics that say “I AM THE CARETAKER” and “I AM THE ONE WHO GETS TAKEN CARE OF, SO I DESERVE THIS”? That’s when things start to get messed up. And man, can it get messy. I also think that, like, we all should be required to do a soul inventory or something, like, every five years. Are these still my values? Do I still believe this way? Is believing this way contributing to my highest version of myself? Is it keeping me in unhealthy patterns and behaviors? What do I want to be and do in this phase of my life? How do I get there from here?

Deep thoughts for a Thursday, May the Fourth Be With You.

Peace.