Today is the first day of the rest of my life…

 I create my life.

That’s SO profound. I am not a victim. I am not a villian. I am not going to cop out or drop out on my past behavior or my actions or any of that.

No one did anything wrong, this is my ego speaking for my animal, and all of this is a lie, the story my animal is telling my ego to process what is happening in my life right now.

Today, my adult daughter and her family left Northern Nevada, headed for Kentucky. We have been co-housing for over five years. The relief, for me, is tangible. I am excited to go home today, for the first time in a really, really long time. It was time for this to happen and part of me is thankful that my daughter had the temerity to be the one to make the decision that led us here, because the way I was, before, I am not sure I would have had the strength to do it. I was so, so hurt at first, and now, I am giddy in anticipation.

I am going to miss my grand kids something fierce. I am NOT going to miss my daughter or her toxic, pop-psychology bullshit. She called me a narcissist, she has said awful, hurtful things to me. I have allowed this. I have felt guilty. I have perpetuated the drama triangle with her. I think in some ways, I have enabled her behavior towards me.

What is it that makes us sacrifice everything for those we love? Society? Familial obligation? What we are taught? Yes, all of those things, but fuck, for reals, that shit is SO toxic! If swearing offends you, I’ll pause here for a moment so you can show yourself out…heh.

I have seriously been pondering this. With this new UpLvl Communication technique, it’s mind boggling how often we listen to these narratives that aren’t ours and that work against our own best interests. I have a lot of processing to do, but I know that this is the way. This is the path. It feels good and authentic to me, and it makes me feel infinitely powerful and like I am, in fact, creating my life. Things are working out. For the first time in a long time, life doesn’t feel like a slog. It feels like it’s flowing in the proper direction, and things are going to work out.

The rift between us is a repeating pattern in my life. In my family of origin, I was the “fixer”, the one that made everything okay. My mom was that way too, and as I got older, I took that role, too. The caretaker, the one who always held everyone else’s stuff, while mine never really got dealt with. This was a HUGE pattern with my sister. Silly me, I had thought that I had learned the lesson because I had established a boundary with my sister at one point and refused to rescue her. Then the universe showed me that I wasn’t done learning that lesson, or taking away what I needed to because it repeated the pattern with my daughter. I thought it was different. Then I went to therapy and it clicked. Exactly. The. Fucking. Same. Holy shit, color me stupid, Batman. I feel like such a fool. I thought it was different because it was my kid and not my sister.

So much time enabling. The beginning was a couple years ago when I realized *I* was the only one sacrificing to give people in my life who I loved the things they wanted. They weren’t and weren’t willing to do the same for me. That hurt me bad, but I kept looking for the lesson. At the time the lesson presented itself, I wanted to be the victim. Poor me. Why won’t anyone take care of me the way I take care of them?! Because it’s not healthy, dumbass. We all create our own lives, and we create our own lessons. I ALLOW or permit people to treat me in certain ways, and if those ways disrespect me, that’s on me, and no one else. Yes, I feel like a dumbass for allowing this. No more. That energy needs to get up out of here. It’s over. Done.

Today, is the first day of the rest of my life.

Thank goodness.

Onward.

Upward.

The lavender is a plant that I pass, on my way from my parking space into my office every day at work. As I walk past it, sometimes I caress it’s little lavender leaves and smell my hand for the calming blast of lavender smell it gives my brain. In the afternoons, like now when it’s near 100 degrees, I tend to not touch it….because the bees swarm it and seem to so much be enjoying it’s pollen and bounty. Thanks, bees.

Happy Friday.

Peace.