she made it…..

well, yesterday was b’s first test of independence and regained trust. her task was to take the bus home, buy herself a bus pass, and then make it home. this made me feel better. am i ready to give her back her cell phone and pretend everything’s fine? not on your life….but it’s a start.

in other news, i have been apathetic and somewhat sad lately. not sure what this funk is, just that i am in one.

the days here are very fall-like. the mornings are very cool, in the mid-30’s to low 40’s, and it warms up to the 70’s during the day. what a range!

last weekend i went to a bellydance open floor thing, not sure if i mentioned that or not. tonight is my class with that teacher. i was going to go to another one, but at the last minute i discovered how broke i was and we couldn’t really afford it. that’s okay, though, there will be another time. i am debating now whether or not to move to the intermediate classes for bellydancing. i think i will stay in these ones for the time being. i will reevaluate after the holidays. i think i might take the advanced on on fridays next spring. and with nahlah’s classes, i just have to pay $10 more a month to go to her other class. hers is a performance troup, though, and i am worried about that because i don’t think i feel good enough to dance in front of people yet. and yet, when i do, like when she pulls me up on the stage, then i love it. but that doesn’t have all my fat hanging out, it’s just me in street clothes pretending i have rhythm. heh.

i also went on a hike last weekend. we did two hours and estimate about six miles. that was good.

at some point over the weekend, i pinched a nerve or something in my lower back. it really affected me. it’s like nothing from the waist down was functioning properly….i felt bloated, constipated (TMI, i know) and had a hard time twisting. felt sort of sciatic in nature, but deeper. it seems to have started loosening now, thanks to a half of one of d’s flexoril last night, but THAT zonked me out majorly. but it did help the nerve. anyway, glad THAT’S on the mend….i haven’t experienced something that intense before. perhaps this is a karma hit for being less-than-sympathetic towards d at times when his back is bothering him. if it was, this made me a believer, so enough, already =)

that’s about all for me right now. more later, if i can or if i feel like it =)

peace. 

one week down…..

and my daughter is still home.

i had a long talk with her on friday, and i hope that she understands some things more now than she did before. the first is that i am very firm on her not seeing the boy who drove her on this grand adventure again for the foreseeable future. he treated her badly. i explained to her that guys who cheat can give you diseases. it’s one thing if it’s an honest, open relationship and everyone’s being careful. but if you don’t know what someone else’s sexual activity is, then you absolutely have to protect yourself from getting funky, bad diseases. i told her she deserved better than that, and made her repeat it after me. maybe, someday, she will believe it.

i am glad she is still home. this weekend, we switched her room with that of my son, so that she would be right next to us and less able to get out of the house without us noticing. i hate that i have to do this to keep an eye on her. i guess no one ever said this whole thing would be easy. if they did, they lied.

my weekend was pretty good. i have been making my way through the harry potter books, and this weekend, i finished reading the third year book. it was very good. then i watched the movie, which was okay, but reading the books definately makes you see how limited a media film can be. they, i am sure, out of necessity, had to leave so much out of the movie that was in the book, it was almost sad.

i just started the fourth book. anxious to read it, because from here on out, there are no more movies that have been released yet. i had this vague feeling while reading the book of having seen the movie and when i watched it again, it seemed somewhat familiar, but not really. what does that SAY about the status of my mind? i don’t even want to speculate on that….

i am rather in a funk and not sure what to do about it. i was motivated to work when i got here this morning, but now, i am just in a bad mood. i lost my car keys this morning and became a ranting lunatic. oh well, the cats didn’t look amused.

peace. 

very tired….

yes i am.

i am still at work and it’s 8:30pm. i want to go home, but i still have to eat dinner.

d is on his way, then we will go and get the girl child and all go to dinner. then we will go home and get into the hottub for a bit, then to bed, to do the whole, fun thing over again tomorrow.

i almost have a new car, which is why i am still at work. d had to fix it. will write more later.

more saga…

i feel better about things right now than i have in awhile. we went to our counseling session yesterday, and the counselor was very hard on her. it pained me to see it, but another part of me was enjoying seeing her struggle because i think she deserves to feel bad about some of the things she’s done.

the counselor said she thought that b needed to be in a residential treatment center. she asked me if that’s what i wanted and i told her i wanted b to behave in a safe and consistent manner, and if the treatment center was the way to do it, then i was all for it. i told b i knew this was hard, she had no idea how hard it was on me, but that i thought it needed to be this way. that i need her to understand how unacceptable this behavior from her is and how much it hurts everyone.

i also had more information than she did. my primary insurance is an hmo. if you know anything about insurance, you know they can be real bastards. the counselor was talking about sending her to the acute care mental health center. i knew there was no way the insurance was going to approve that admittance because she wasn’t suicidal or in immediate crisis, she’s basically just being a defiant asshole. but she didn’t know the insurance wasn’t going to do it, she thought she was going. for whatever reason, between what the counselor said to her and her thinking she was going back to that place, it finally seemed to sink in for her that she really messed up and this isn’t a joke anymore. she got pretty hysterical crying, and it was tough to be there and see and watch. when we got to the hospital, the counselor called me back and let me know she wouldn’t be admitted, which i knew, but to tell b that we were going to give her another chance. she was so thankful, she’s been like a different kid. she’s been talkative to me, and she knows if she messes up again, it won’t be the hospital, but jail that keeps her. goddess, i hope that doesn’t happen. i am hopeful and scared all at the same time.

i am feeling better about things. this morning, we got her enrolled at her new school and she started there. she’s already called me once to check in and let me know she’s still there. i honestly don’t think she had thought about how much this was hurting all of us until the counselor told her she was treating her whole family shabbily.

we watched football together last night at a friends house, and things seem to be less tense. i would not be surprised if she did it again, but i have to have hope that she really does want to do and be good things. that some of the stuff i have tried to teach her has gotten through.

by ten last night, i was emotionally exhausted to the degree i haven’t been in a very, very long time. it was all i could do to collapse in bed, and then i had a hard time turning my brain off.

today feels more fresh. crisp, cool, fall is here. the colors are turning, the leaves are falling, and hopefully this is the turning of a new leaf for the child.

just trying to keep those that care, updated.

peace. 

sheeeeee’s baaaaaack….

so, thursday morning, about 3am, i got a call from the police in ashland oregon telling me they had stopped my daughter’s boyfriend on a traffic violation and discovered he was a runaway and she had been in the car with him and was now in their custody. she was fine apparently, they had told the cops they were going camping somewhere in ashland. about an hour and a half later, we got a call from the juvenile authorities in the area saying they were booking her and we could come and get her in the morning. the following morning, i heard from the young man’s parents saying they were also heading up to get him. there were two other kids with them, i don’t know what happened to them.

i grabbed my mom and we proceeded to drive up to oregon to get the child. lucky for me i was also interested in seeing fall colors. the drive was pretty glorious on that account. what sort of pollyanna nitwit am i that i look for the good in absolutely EVERY situation? am i just stupid? is it a coping mechanism? i just don’t know….

we got up to oregon by about 2:30 pm. lucky us, we happened to have arrived just as the young man’s parents arrived. they might have beat us by about ten minutes. i chatted with them briefly and we all thought it was a really bad idea for these two kids to keep having contact with each other. sometimes, it doesn’t matter how much you love someone, your interaction with them is toxic. that definately seems to be the case with these two. i have never done anything to choose her friends for her, but in this case, i am firm.

when she came out of the jail, i guess, i gave her a big hug and told her that i loved her no matter what. then i told her i thought her behavior was atrocious and completely rude and unaccetable, but it was the behavior and not her that i disapproved of. when she came out, she had only socks on. turns out she had left one of her shoes at the house of someone before she left town, so she had been borrowing shoes from the other girl who was with them, but she took them as her property when they all got arrested. so she literally had no shoes. we stopped and bought her some on the way out of town. it took over an hour to get her processed out. by this time, there was no way i was going to be able to drive home to get to bellydancing class, so we decided it might be best if we relaxed and stayed in a hotel that night and headed back early the next morning. my mom also wanted to watch the baseball game, so that was an extra bonus….

while we were driving around, i had told b that i thought we might stay in ashland. when we got there, we discovered that’s where she had spent a good deal of her time on her little adventure. that made me want to get the hell out of ashland as quickly as possible, to remove any temptation from her of running again. we ended up staying at this little hotel in yreka california, which suited me much better. would have been much more difficult for her to run back to any friends in ashland from there.

what am i doing? at this point, i am so freaked out about her taking off again that i have put the child safety locks on the doors and she has to be let out of the car. i don’t even feel a little bad about this. my husband showed me how to work them before i left.

we walked half a block to a chinese restaurant right next to the hotel to eat dinner that night, and although i had threatened to put one of the beds in front of the door, i didn’t do that and she was still there in the morning, so it’s all good. by this time, i am starting to figure out that i think she draws a lot of her strength from her friends. i am unsure whether or not she would run on her own. i think perhaps she would not. because she knows she’s safe if she’s with other people she knows and trusts, but if she were on her own, i don’t think she would do it. please, fates, do not prove me wrong.

i don’t know what to do now. i don’t know if i should send her away or keep her home. i want her to get help. i don’t want to be a warden, but she has to learn how to exist within the parameters of home. i need to call the psych today. i need to call the school, i need to do all sorts of things today. she makes me mad, still…and i am hurt. i will write more later, as i can.

peace. 

still no word…

today, this evening, tonight, she will have been gone for a week.

i had a horrible dream/vision last night that i had to go to the police station, like something out of CSI and identify her body. i hope this doesn’t happen.

i have been so freaked out that i forgot my mom had a medical procedure this morning. because of my heightened emotional state, this made me burst in to tears. i walked to the hospital from my job (only a couple of blocks) so that my mom wouldn’t have to be alone for her procedure. she had been pretty freaked out about it.

all this emotional upheaval is taking it’s toll on me. i try hard not to be, but i am more irritable at work, more likely to snap at people, be annoyed. shorter fuse. maybe it’s me that’s going to end up on medication for the short term. there’s just this weight of heaviness on me all the time, wondering if she is okay. hoping she is. being conflicted because part of me wants her to learn a painful lesson, but not one that will damage her for life, cause her permanent physical harm, or ruin her life…..this is very hard.

last night at bellydancing, our teacher told us that her daughter, who will be 21 this weekend, has cervical cancer. that’s very sad too. she’s a very beautiful and talented girl.

i am trying really hard to stay sane. it’s getting more and more difficult. it seems sometimes like i am addicted to drama, but i don’t think i ask for the sort of drama i get. sometimes i suppose i do, but i sure didn’t know my child was going to take off…or be mentally ill.

when i saw her counselor this week, she told me that if b comes back, she should be placed as soon as possible into an in-patient treatment center. b had said to me what her worse fear was being locked up again, but i don’t know what else to do. if i keep letting her run away, one of these times, she’s not going to come back and there’s nothing i can really do about it. it’s good and proper for children to have rights, but what happens when they have more rights than the parents who are charged with ensuring their safety? one of those social conundrums, i suppose.

despite all this doom and gloom, things aren’t horrible with me. in general, i am good, there is just an over-arcing curtain of sadness that seems to color everything i do and put a gray haze over it. and worrying constantly can’t be healthy. i have managed to sleep well the last few nights, but still peppered with disturbing and scary dreams about all the horrible things that could happen to her.

today is just sad, for me.

peace. 

the dichotomy that is my life….

in the midst of still perpetually worrying about my daughter and whether she is still alive or doing awful things to keep people taking care of her, i am also having some of the greatest times of my life. don’t think this irony isn’t lost on me, it’s not. parts of my life are so filled with joy….and other parts with sadness. i never thought my children would be such a source of angst or sadness. i guess i had an unrealistic expectation of parenthood. it’s rollercoaster is very much wearing on me.

on friday night, there was bellydancing class. it was awesome, as usual. i finally feel like i am getting somewhere with all this, and it feels great. i have felt my body changing for awhile now, which was cool, but my coordination didn’t seem to be following suit. it’s been better. this teacher does a lot of drills, but i totally see their value. plus, this week, she had a vendor come and see us so that we could shop! i wanted another black choli top, but i had forgotten my checkbook and by the time that my hubby got there with money, something more glittery had caught my eye =) i got a new scarf that’s pretty and fringy. i will order the choli later, i have the ladies card. ahhhh, the joys of shopping!

saturday, i spent with my mom. we went shopping because i had to get some pants that fit me. i figured if i was going to be asking for a raise or whatever, i probably ought to stop wearing shorts and t-shirts to work. besides, it’s getting rather chilly, so isn’t as practical anymore. bur! the cool news is that i went to a clearance center for one of the big chain stores and managed to score five pairs of pants and two long sleeve blouses (like, casual business attire) for $50. yay, me! i love bargains! the pants averaged around $6 a piece. hahahaha. so, now i have at least a week’s worth of clothes. i seriously only had like two pairs of jeans in addition to that that still fit me.

on saturday night, i got to wear one of my new outfits because there was a bellydancing show. the show was awesome, but the evening was bittersweet, as one of my good friends, it’s probably the last time i am going to see her for awhile. she is moving to germany. we are going to save money and try to go and visit her oktoberfest 2007. that is going to be a blast, if we can swing it. however, the real focus of this is to say that the bellydancing event fucking rocked my socks off!! it was so hot! it was, like, everyone still doing bellydancing, but they couldn’t do it to bellydancing music. there were all sorts of dancers there, it was sort of like an open mic night for dancing. there was a couple there that did this tango looking tantric-sort of dance that was awesome, and then there was a guy who did an interesting array of dances that were all good, including a john-travolta-esque disco thing that was awesome. so good to see a guy with rhythm out there dancing! my teacher was awesome, and really all the dancers were good. it was serious good times.

then, on sunday, i had been invited to a hike up in the mountains by a couple of friends. they had said it would be about a five mile hike. we got to the one friends house at 8am, and were out the door by 8:30. we drove a ways into the mountains, chatting and catching up with each other. we were following directions by a guy who literally wrote things like "at the road marker 24Yn64, proceed .1 mile and then stop to park the car and start your hike." the hike ended up being six and a half miles, but i did it!! i didn’t whine, and i didn’t turn around and go back when i felt like i was going to die. they had even hiked a few times previous to this, and this was my first hike with them and i managed to kind of keep up. i was pretty proud of myself, actually. we went to see fall colors, and see them we did.

here is a picture of some of the colors we saw:

here’s another, looking up into the trees:

and finally, here’s your intrepid adventurer, looking chipper:

finally, here are me and my friends, looking chipper before the hike, with a sketching effect added:

i am sort of nervous. not sure i have posted pics with this much detail of me before.

:::hiding:::::

peace.