Long ago, let’s say about 2001, I began attending an event in the Nevada desert. It’s an awesome event. About 2003, I began volunteering at that event. The event is amazing and life-changing, when people ask me what it’s about I tell them they have to go. When people ask me what it’s done for me, I tell them it allowed me to get out of my own way. I’ve always cared too much what other people thought. This event helped me realize that I was afraid to do some of these things, and to do them anyway =)
The first year I went, shortly after I got home, a friend of mine contacted me and said “Hey, I’m taking this bellydancing class, you should join, it’s a real hoot!” The old me would have said “I’m too fat for that. No one wants to see me dance….” She said it was non-judgmental so I went for it. I LOVED it and realized this was a part of myself that I had been suppressing, because I thought others would think badly of me. Now, as I careen through my crone-dom, and with age and some might say wisdom, I have about zero fucks left to give who judges or looks unkindly at what I do. I adored bellydance and I did it sometimes paid, sometimes free for over a decade…..
When I was still looking at and getting better at bellydance, I started doing fire safety for a local group of fire dancers that also go to this festival. This transitioned in to me doing fire bellydance, which was a real kick in the pants. It also lead to me being in leadership and eventually, producing events. If you had told me when I moved back “home” to Nevada, from Washington state, that I would have done any of these things, I would have laughed and laughed at you.
For many, many years, I had a leadership role in my volunteer time for the festival. The general role is we act as non-violent community mediators that work to ensure folks are having a good time and if they need help, we try to help them come up with new and innovative ways to solve their own problems. Part verbal Judo, part de-escalation, this role is the thing that gave me a creative outlet in this world where it seemed, to me, I had never been traditionally creative. It was a way to “fit in”. It gave me a way and a reason to walk in to people’s camps and approach them for no other reason than to say hello, and see what they were up to. It has allowed me to see the very best and the very worst that human beings have to offer each other.
By virtue of THAT work, I saw a lot of sad things. I saw sexual violence and got to help survivors cope with said violence. I had a year where this seemed to happen a lot, and I spent a lot of time in the off year thinking to myself “Why is this happening?” What can we do to change this? The more I thought about it, the more I realized that humans are never taught how to relate to and with each other. They learn it from watching others and wow, if you know anyone with an anger management problem, learning from watching them can really be a recipe for disaster. It makes me smirk to think of this, but it’s absolutely true. We also aren’t taught emotional intelligence or how to ask for an receive what we want out of our lives.
Simply, this comes down to Consent Culture. This sub-culture, of the festival, has 10 Principles that they follow. Some regional events have enacted a third principal of Consent. Whenever we interact with others, we should ask their permission to do so. Don’t offer advice, say “I have an experience that is similar to that. Can I give you feedback on what you just said?” If they say “No”, you can still say thank you for setting a boundary and then abide by it. I became convinced, and I am still convinced, that if everyone in our world, in our country, and at our event, were to have this education, it could go a long way towards solving some of these issues. I developed a three prong process for this. Explaining the essentials of Consent and what it is. Because most people also need to have personal accountability, the second step is “Developing a Personal Safety Plan” and the final step is “Bystander Intervention”. Again, I believe if these things can be learned and people can really ingest what it’s giving and being, we can substantially decrease the amount of violence in general, and sexual violence exponentially.
This is how I met the woman who invited me to Path to Passion. I initiated a speaker series called “Consent Conversations” and she was one of the facilitators. I started off cautiously optimistic and before I knew it, every event of hers that I attended, I became more hooked that I needed to learn and be able to impart part of this in what I was trying to do.
That’s probably enough for now….but it’s been very good to write and to get all this down. It’s been rolling around in my head for some time, and it’s great to let it out.
~Peace
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