So, I’ve been on a journey for a couple of years. My primary relationship has been frustrating for me. There is a lot that’s involved in it, I am sure more will come out at some point, but suffice to say that for the last several years, I have been in a sexless marriage. I never asked for this. The irony of this is that to some degree, I think this is somewhat of a coping mechanism for my partner. He has unresolved childhood issues and his mom died a few years ago. In addition to that, he comes from a family that was very “Patriarch/Father” centered, and that’s how he believes the world is. His dad was also a chronic cheater, to the degree that after their mom died, the other adult kids got to meet the “other woman” and essentially his dads other family. So, I have been trying to have a fully embodied, awesome middle-aged sex life, been denied by my partner, who was forming bonds with other people. It all blew up a few years ago, and I basically told him to figure out what he wants.
Since then, I’ve been working on myself. The bottom line is that I have no control over anyone else’s happiness but my own. I knew I wanted this for myself, so I started studying with a tantra teacher. Even without the sex, I am not unhappy with my partner. We generally get along well and we co-habitate well. Tantra has been huge for me as far as forgiving and healing myself from all sorts of trauma and abuse that happened in my younger years. I’ve been heavy all my life and there was a lot of self-hate, stressful times that had me encasing myself in a layer of fat to protect myself, part of myself and sort of keep my self-loathing at bay. But it was still there. I had a huge amount of trauma around my sex organs, had always been told that masturbation was wrong and to be honest, my mom had taught me that the female orgasm is a myth. That having sex with men was something you did to get men to take care of you, and you just had to submit when they wanted it, no matter if you wanted it or liked it. It’s take A LOT of healing to learn to love myself and love and appreciate my body. It was time to move to the next step….
I started working with a coach over a year ago, and she just seemed so fun. She always seemed light and airy and she had such wisdom and a way about her. She taught things like authentic relating, and it was all deliciously nerdy and cerebral for me. A little while ago, she invited me to a thing she is a coach for called Path to Passion. In some ways, I wish I could call it something different because yes, it is path to passion but it’s also an entire other way of things about life, sex and pleasure that helps heal so much within us. This Path to Passion thing was a three day conference that was amazing and I am continuing to work through things. I am going to be journaling here about what’s happening, what I’m learning, and how it’s affecting me and my relationships. There may be diversions, as this relates to some other important work that is super meaningful to me, but there’s nothing like letting it all hang out, so here we go.
You should start to see two divergent types of entries here. I’m going to continue to work the anti-racism path and answer those questions, then there’s Path to Passion stuff, and also consent educations. I’ll explain that in the next entry. For now, time to hot tub <3
~Peace
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