So, today was day 1 of this training. The title of this course was “Foundations for Black Survival and Wellness”.
Q: How do you now understand the ways in which anti-Black racism manifests personally, relationally, and collectively?
A: I have done a lot of thinking and a lot of pondering on this question. I feel like a different person, back on June 19th, than I was before that. And that’s my own ignorance. It manifests everywhere. All the systems we’ve learned, grown up in and helped sustain are racist. I remember things, and they were done so nonchalantly, and they reinforce the idea that the white man is the apex of our society. Relationally, my mom understood this on a a level I didn’t, but I don’t even think SHE understood how systemic it is, I think she just always said to us “This is how things are”. Bullshit.
Q: Reflecting on your personal experience as a non-Black person, what moment in your life, recent or past, solidified the reality of anti-Black racism?
A: I mean, in some respects it seems trite to say that George Floyd was the catalyst. I think that modern media and proliferation of cell phones have helped amplify this, but I’ve always had a sense of this. I guess maybe I thought it was something of the past, but didn’t realize how prevalent it still is today. I was alive and able to watch the original “Roots” mini-series as a child. I remember thinking how awful it must have been for PEOPLE to be treated like that by OTHER PEOPLE. When I was in middle school, there were fewer than six black people at our school. There was a pair of sisters and one guy. His name was Harlan. I heard at one point that he liked me. I remember feeling uncomfortable with that, but I didn’t know why. Other people made fun of me because the black kid liked me. I think they made fun of him too because I was the chubby kid. We never did get together, but I always have had lingering guilt when I think about Harlan, because I think I would have liked him too, if I had allowed myself.
Q: As you ponder on the experience above, how (personally, relationally, and/or collectively) did anti-Black racism manifest?
A: I think personally, it manifested because I felt shame for not allowing myself to like this person who liked me because he was black. That wasn’t done, and I had lots of people tell me that it was bad, bad, bad. Relationally, I likely deprived myself of an amazing experience, perhaps friendship and perhaps more because of racism I didn’t even know I had, it was just THERE.
Q: Continue to reflect on the experience above, in what ways did collective anti-Black racism facilitate that experience?
A: I have only now realized how absolutely automatic these things are. When I was a later teen, I dated a black man and had a brother who was very upset about it. By this time, I had gained some perspective and definitely more confidence. My brother and I did not speak for a lot of years because he was not willing to see the man I was dating as an equal human and I was unwilling to have that sort of behavior in my life.
Q: How have your intersecting identities (gender identity, dis/ability, religion, class, etc.) as a non-Black person impacted your understanding and awareness of anti-Black racism?
A: I just realized this year, in doing much of this work, that people see me as white. This was truly a revelation to me because I don’t see myself that way. I realized I’ve had this privilege all along and didn’t realize it, because to most people, I do pass, I look white. This actually offends me. Brown, white-passing, female. Those are my intersectionalities, as I see them right now.
Q: Identify barrier(s) that may impede you from immersing yourself into understanding and being aware of anti-Black racism?
A: I try hard to see the barriers. I think white people or white passing people not being open to new ideas are a part of this problem. I think learning to say “wow, I never thought of that” is a start. Also, being willing to listen no matter what. Also, I think we do tend to center ourselves. Being aware of that and conscious to ensure it doesn’t happen is key.
Q: How will you begin to address the barriers you named above?
A: Staying open to all viewpoints, even if I don’t agree.
Q: Reflect on your thoughts, emotions and physical reactions throughout this conversation. What came up for you as you engaged in this conversation? What do these feelings indicate to you?
A: I am now doing this several months after the course. I’ve sat with it and processed for a long time. I have to keep doing the work. I see how offended other people are, and I shake my head. I hope at some point, they are willing to look within. I’m not perfect, I am sure I will make mistakes. I will ask for understanding and strive to do better in the future.
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