some days….

 just feel overwhelming. i am there today.

i am still reeling from the weekend with my son. he was home when i got home from a beautiful and soul-lifting violin recital saturday night, having just seen midori and spent some amazing one-on-one time with my daughter. i had asked him to come by our house because he’s using our truck while his car is in the shop and it has jumper cables in it, and my sisters battery on her car had died.

he was talking about having gotten screwed over at work again. he works harder than a lot of people, he knows all the jobs, but he’s still considered a part-time temporary person and he was up for a full-time position and they gave it to someone else who’s been there less time and made less money. precisely BECAUSE they made less money, so they knew it would cost less to promote this other person. also, the other guy doesn’t want to utilize the educational benefit that goes along with full-time employment, which my son does, which would ultimately cost the company more, also. that does truly suck, but sometimes life isn’t fair. i know he knows this. then he was saying how his company are hypocrites because they talk about how important their employees are, but they don’t treat them well, or not all of them, anyway. i told him he should tell his company they were hypocrites and he looked at me like i was a child and said something to the effect of "just what am i suppose to tell them, mom?" well, me, i would tell them that, but i live and work in a place where it’s okay to be somewhat idealistic and that’s sort of honored here. there are still disappointments and shitty things that happen, but as i’ve said before, there is also a tremendous amount of freedom here. i am free with my thoughts and ideals because i can be. that’s a very important distinction.

i am in a better place with my husband, but it’s still tenuous. i knew when i met him and fell in love with him that i was marrying a soldier. i can’t blame him for being what he is, most of the time i think it’s charming and endearing; it makes me feel safe. he’s almost NEVER soldier-like with me, i get the other side, the tender side. he’s a good man, and being a soldier is all he’s ever known. it’s as much a part of him now as me. he’s been married to the army longer than he’s been married to me. i have to keep reminding myself of that.  

that doesn’t mean i want my son to follow those footsteps. the soldiering ones, not the tender ones, i know he has that, i raised him =) we always hope for better for our children, and i had hoped he wouldn’t have to make a choice like this. part of me wants to take what equity i have out of my house and pay for my sons debts and for his college, to keep him safe, to keep him near me. but that won’t teach him anything about dealing with the consequences of his decisions, that only teaches him that parents will always bail ya out. or does it? where does responsibility end and compassion begin? is it right or proper for me to take on more debt that he might be debt free? i don’t know what these answers are….

my son has some friends that are already in the national guard, and he’s going in with them. they are in an mp company that already knows it’s deploying to afghanistan next fall. afghanistan is not a nice place to be at all, that’s probably why we never hear about things there. that’s where the friends that we’ve had killed have been killed, in the majority.

my nephew is doing well, i got to talk to him on saturday. he will graduate from boot camp this coming thursday, the 20th. he made it through. he was concerned about the run because he injured his foot. but he made it…he got the minimum number of points, but he passed, which was what we were worried about. i asked him if there was any way he could still not make it and he said pretty much only by getting into a fist fight would he not finish. he told me that he sort of wishes he had chosen national guard instead of active duty, but now, he’s there, and signed up for active duty. but, once he serves his time, he can transition to national guard. they’ve told him it’s hard, but that’s not strictly true, they just want him to think that.

it feels good to write.

there is some drama going on with the fire group, too, but that should be it’s own post. i think this is enough for now.

i am scared for my son, and feel powerless.

i wish i could make him understand. violence begets violence, and when it comes to violence and choosing to inflict it, in my mind, there is ALWAYS a choice.

i wish he thought so.

no peace.