yesterday….

 it makes me sick to think of how many more lives will be seen as expendable if this draft goes through. thanks random, for letting me know that it was soundly defeated. only two people in the house voted for it, but it’s still scary when one has son’s or anyone else they care about in that age range. ack!

yesterday was a rough day. it was as hard as i thought it would be.

my mom used to call me several times a day and i used to wonder if my employers were getting upset with me because she called a lot. yesterday my phone was silent.

i had to go to the doctor yesterday, for a follow-up. need to get some lab work done, and will take care of that this week. i had to tell the doctor what happened, so i got to cry on him too =) he talked to me and asked me if i was going to be okay. it just takes time. he did give me the card of an attorney though, that he says is a decent human being if i think i need that. i am not sure what i want to do yet. i think first i am going to wait for the death certificate’s, so that i can talk intelligently with what data i have in my hand. i also think i’d like to see if i can be named her executor. i don’t think anyone will have a problem with that, but we will see. i had the fucking will, she just hadn’t signed it =)

i spent a lot of time crying yesterday.

the custodian for my building is a friend and she had the entire month of december off. she came in yesterday afternoon and asked how my mom was, so i got to tell her too.

then, i came back into my office at one point and elvis’ "blue christmas" was on the mp3 player. my mom ADORED elvis, so i cried some more.

all my coworkers asked about the holidays and if i was doing okay. it’s nice that they care, but i want to cry every time they ask. it’s okay, though, i made it through. the whole day. i am pretty proud of that.

when i got home, my sister was a mess and she remained a mess for the rest of the day and into the night. we are different people. she, being the narcisist thinks about how horrible this is for HER and can’t seem to see that anyone else is affected as much as she is. sometimes she has moments of clarity, but when she’s in her pit of sorrow as i’ve been calling it, there’s no consoling her. i asked her when i came in if she wanted me to put the urn with my mom’s ashes somewhere out of sight. she said she didn’t care, but if she is as upset about it today, i might move it to my room so it isn’t the constant reminder.

today is a new day. yes, i have cried already today, but i feel slightly more sane today.

this morning, i had a dream about this song by blind melon, called change. here are the lyrics:

I dont feel the suns comin out today
Its staying in, its gonna find another way.
As I sit here in this misery, I dont
Think Ill ever see, no Lord, the sun from here.
And oh as I fade away,
Theyll all look at me and say, and theyll say,
Hey look at him! Ill never live that way.
But thats okay
Theyre just afraid to change.
When you feel your life aint worth living
Youve got to stand up and
Take a look around you then a look way up to the sky.
And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
Keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin its time to die.
And as we all play parts of tomorrow,
Some ways will work and other ways we’ll play.
But I know we all cant stay here forever,
So I want to write my words on the face of today.
And then theyll paint it
And oh as I fade away,
Theyll all look at me and theyll say,
Hey look at him and where he is these days.
When life is hard, you have to change.

of course, i would change the "boys" to "grrls", but other than that, it seems to fit =)

today will be a better day.

peace.