today…….

 well, what can i say? i think as much as i chastise other people for being very focused on "immediate gratification" i, too, am sometimes a victim of this…if someone doesn’t talk to me or answer me right away, then i automatically think the worst, think they don’t like me or aren’t interested in me anymore when in fact, they could have just been busy at the time =) this is a time to try to unlearn those patterns and be patient.

there have been tears for me the last couple of days. i continue to be frustrated by my daughter’s poor progress in school. she has a really easy schedule and still seems to be failing all her classes. i am afraid to be too hard on her discipline-wise because i am afraid she will run away again. i told her she needs to pull her head out and get passing grades in all her classes before she will be allowed to go downtown again and visit with her friends. we will see how it goes today.

she wants desperately to hang on to choir, but if she’s not getting anywhere academically, it can’t be a good environment for her and then what’s the point of being in choir if you can’t sing because you can’t leave school because your grades aren’t good enough?

one of my alternate plans for her has been for her to go to the "alternative" high school where she has smaller class size and can work at her own pace, with a teacher to help her when she needs it. this way, she could make up what she’s behind and then, for choir, she could go to the community college or take one of the choirs where i work. i wish that i knew how to make her understand how important her education is. maybe traditional high school isn’t the right environment for her. i just don’t know. i do know that i want her to be happy and successful at whatever she does. goddess, i love that girl.

with that, is the conflict i am feeling over my son leaving home. part of me is counting the hours before he leaves because he’s done some pretty inconsiderate things surrounding his dog the last few weeks that have resulted in some significant property damage for us, and part of me is sad because i know he probably won’t come home again. *sigh* this one is hard.

then, there’s this whole "feast or famine" thing i seem to be experiencing right now. you see, there are these two women. there is risk with both of them. one lives a state away and has small children, but she’s really cute and sweet and nice and funny. then there’s one that’s local, but she’s an out lesbian and i am afraid our nice, playful conversation will only last until i say "btw, you do know i am married and intend to stay that way, right?"

now what?

gee, and i thought this was going to be a short entry. hahahahaha.

it is now,
peace.