empty nest…

today is sadness for me on many different levels.

for the last nineteen years, there hasn’t been a single action i have taken or thought that has gone through my head where i didn’t consider my children. it’s just something that IS, when you are a parent. every meal i ate, every action i took, every penny i spent, there was always a thought there that was "should i buy something for the kids instead?", "how will this affect the kids?"….

today my son leaves on his grand adventure to alaska. i called and talked to him this morning and he told me i could cry and then he laughed at me. i would expect nothing less from him. part of this feels like me being a drama queen. of course i will still worry about him, but he is an adult now, and he’s going to be on his own in a place very far away from me. i can’t help him anymore, i can’t be there for him as his mommy, the person who knows and does everything for him. there’s part of me that says "THANK GODDESS"….but the nurturing part of me cries out at the unfairness of losing part of this role i have been in for so long.

i asked if he would call me and let me know he made it safely. he said "probably not, but if it’s important to you, i will try." yes, ass, it is important to me =)

i am being silly and melodramatic, but it’s very real now too. i am one of those people, when faced with something heinous who always hopes for a small amount of time that if i just ignore something, it will go away. the concept of this is so ironic in this case, it isn’t even funny. i have ignored it, and yes, he’s going away. heh.

things will be fine. i know they will be. it’s only the summer. he’s certainly gone away on his own before. he’s capable of taking care of himself. i have done this before. i have trained him well, mostly. he is supremely self-sufficient. he’s been on his own in many respects for a long time, but this seems so final. things will never be the same for him or for us again. even if he lives with us again when he gets home, he will come home with a new perspective and new eyes. he will see me as less than he did, because that’s what happens when your worldview expands. it isn’t until later that you appreciate your parents fully, i think. perhaps that is what is hurting me….being diminished somehow in his eyes. i don’t know…..

i also think back to all the mistakes i’ve made. i think "i should have been more involved, i should have given more of myself, i should have been closer with him in recent years, i should have…." i think of all the things i think i have done wrong, i think  i should have gotten us more counseling, i should have asked that he and d get along better. but really, none of that matters now.

gosh, i really need to stop crying. i am at work, for goodness sakes. but i can’t help it.

today, my son starts the rest of his adult life.

i am proud.
i am sad.
i am devestated.
i am.
alone.

i know that’s not how it is, but that’s how it feels, right now.

peace.