ahhhhhh…..

things are much better.

really, i was only pathetic for about the first half of the day he left. i took him to lunch and got to hear about the cool stuff he will be doing, the going away party his friends had for him, how excited he was about things, and how stoic he was about the whole thing and i was feeling better.

i have heard from him a few times and he is adjusting as well as can be expected. he fubar’d and forgot a few critical things like towels and soap =) he saw a moose, he’s been up at midnight and the sky was light like 7am, and he’s having a good time. he’s playing his guitar and reading books in his downtime. i am at peace with him being away from home and how awesome an experience this will be for him.

i am getting to know s better, and liking it a lot. we shared a delicious kiss the other night as i was leaving her apartment and i wanted so much more….but the timing wasn’t right. we might be there soon, but it feels good to be wanted, to be pursued, to have someone want to be with me. she’s soft, she’s caring, and it feels good. oh yeah, i already said that huh? she wants more of my time than i have to give, but if that’s my largest complaint, then life is pretty good.

i will write more later…maybe =)

that’s an update, for now =)

peace.

empty nest…

today is sadness for me on many different levels.

for the last nineteen years, there hasn’t been a single action i have taken or thought that has gone through my head where i didn’t consider my children. it’s just something that IS, when you are a parent. every meal i ate, every action i took, every penny i spent, there was always a thought there that was "should i buy something for the kids instead?", "how will this affect the kids?"….

today my son leaves on his grand adventure to alaska. i called and talked to him this morning and he told me i could cry and then he laughed at me. i would expect nothing less from him. part of this feels like me being a drama queen. of course i will still worry about him, but he is an adult now, and he’s going to be on his own in a place very far away from me. i can’t help him anymore, i can’t be there for him as his mommy, the person who knows and does everything for him. there’s part of me that says "THANK GODDESS"….but the nurturing part of me cries out at the unfairness of losing part of this role i have been in for so long.

i asked if he would call me and let me know he made it safely. he said "probably not, but if it’s important to you, i will try." yes, ass, it is important to me =)

i am being silly and melodramatic, but it’s very real now too. i am one of those people, when faced with something heinous who always hopes for a small amount of time that if i just ignore something, it will go away. the concept of this is so ironic in this case, it isn’t even funny. i have ignored it, and yes, he’s going away. heh.

things will be fine. i know they will be. it’s only the summer. he’s certainly gone away on his own before. he’s capable of taking care of himself. i have done this before. i have trained him well, mostly. he is supremely self-sufficient. he’s been on his own in many respects for a long time, but this seems so final. things will never be the same for him or for us again. even if he lives with us again when he gets home, he will come home with a new perspective and new eyes. he will see me as less than he did, because that’s what happens when your worldview expands. it isn’t until later that you appreciate your parents fully, i think. perhaps that is what is hurting me….being diminished somehow in his eyes. i don’t know…..

i also think back to all the mistakes i’ve made. i think "i should have been more involved, i should have given more of myself, i should have been closer with him in recent years, i should have…." i think of all the things i think i have done wrong, i think  i should have gotten us more counseling, i should have asked that he and d get along better. but really, none of that matters now.

gosh, i really need to stop crying. i am at work, for goodness sakes. but i can’t help it.

today, my son starts the rest of his adult life.

i am proud.
i am sad.
i am devestated.
i am.
alone.

i know that’s not how it is, but that’s how it feels, right now.

peace.

feast and famine….

so, there has been a lot happening in my life lately.

in the first place, we borrowed some money against my husband’s retirement to do some much needed home repairs. we needed to replace the fence in our backyard and this was one of the few ways we could do it. we weren’t extravagant about anything we did, but the fence is almost done and most of the money is gone. at least it went to something that will do increase our property values and make our lives better. one of the other things we did with part of the money was we bought a used motor home. it will make burning man much better for us this year and we decided to take it on a test run this weekend. we went to our burning man campmates house in concord this weekend for a get together. it was a lot of fun in spite of a flat tire on the way down. that was kind of creepy….

in other news, there are currently two women in my life that i am getting to know better. one of them live locally and is gay and the other one lives in the bay area and is on the message board i spend a lot of time on. it’s been interesting getting to know them both. i seem to like either of them better depending on which day it is =)

on one hand, the local woman is here and available. she obviously likes me, i like her. when we first met and i first told her i was married, i was concerned because she made it sound like we could be friends, perhaps with benefits, but as soon as something better came along, we’d have to just be friends. that didn’t sit real well with me, but she later asked me to be patient with her because she’s never been with a married woman before who was open with her husband but also still loves him and enjoys being with him. we met at a bar the first time and talked….then last week, she invited me over for dinner and cooked for me. she’s really growing on me and i am seeing her again tomorrow.

then there’s this girl from the message board. she’s very sweet and what i thought i always wanted. she’s educated, and her husband knows. the bad news about her is that she just figured out she was bi about a year and a half ago and she’s never been with a woman. she’s painfully shy, and she has three small children under 6. she lives four hours away and at an ideal, she will be able to see me once a month.

so, for now, i am getting to know them both. i feel bad, but they both know about each other and i am not committed to either of them. i have to be perfectly honest though and say that a part of my intrigue has to do with sex. it’s been so very long since i have been with a woman, i can’t even express. there is also some measure of comfort in the fact that the local lady knows who she is, what she wants, and how to go about getting it. i am intrigued and deeply interested. she’s been really sweet to me.

last week, before we left for concord, some asshole hit my dog with a car and didn’t even stop. we took him with us over the weekend and today took him to the vet, and he has torn ligaments in his leg. so now the poor guy has a bucket thing on his head and a cast on his foot. i feel bad for him ,he looks pretty pathetic and sad. he’s pretty wacked out on pain meds. we are hoping he will heal well. he’s supposed to take it easy for six weeks. we will see how long that lasts =) i think he will do okay. i am just glad he wasn’t hurt more seriously and i hope the asshole who hit him gets a giant karma bomb at some point.

i needed to vent about these women because i can’t really talk about it on the message board where one of them is. i just don’t want it to appear that i am rubbing anything in her face or trying purposefully to hurt her. i am looking forward to this adventure, whatever happens =)

that’s all for my update.

peace.

today…….

 well, what can i say? i think as much as i chastise other people for being very focused on "immediate gratification" i, too, am sometimes a victim of this…if someone doesn’t talk to me or answer me right away, then i automatically think the worst, think they don’t like me or aren’t interested in me anymore when in fact, they could have just been busy at the time =) this is a time to try to unlearn those patterns and be patient.

there have been tears for me the last couple of days. i continue to be frustrated by my daughter’s poor progress in school. she has a really easy schedule and still seems to be failing all her classes. i am afraid to be too hard on her discipline-wise because i am afraid she will run away again. i told her she needs to pull her head out and get passing grades in all her classes before she will be allowed to go downtown again and visit with her friends. we will see how it goes today.

she wants desperately to hang on to choir, but if she’s not getting anywhere academically, it can’t be a good environment for her and then what’s the point of being in choir if you can’t sing because you can’t leave school because your grades aren’t good enough?

one of my alternate plans for her has been for her to go to the "alternative" high school where she has smaller class size and can work at her own pace, with a teacher to help her when she needs it. this way, she could make up what she’s behind and then, for choir, she could go to the community college or take one of the choirs where i work. i wish that i knew how to make her understand how important her education is. maybe traditional high school isn’t the right environment for her. i just don’t know. i do know that i want her to be happy and successful at whatever she does. goddess, i love that girl.

with that, is the conflict i am feeling over my son leaving home. part of me is counting the hours before he leaves because he’s done some pretty inconsiderate things surrounding his dog the last few weeks that have resulted in some significant property damage for us, and part of me is sad because i know he probably won’t come home again. *sigh* this one is hard.

then, there’s this whole "feast or famine" thing i seem to be experiencing right now. you see, there are these two women. there is risk with both of them. one lives a state away and has small children, but she’s really cute and sweet and nice and funny. then there’s one that’s local, but she’s an out lesbian and i am afraid our nice, playful conversation will only last until i say "btw, you do know i am married and intend to stay that way, right?"

now what?

gee, and i thought this was going to be a short entry. hahahahaha.

it is now,
peace.