life and times….

well, i continue to be a bit sad, but i am dealing with it. i am sad in a resigned sort of way. and lonely.

i wonder if this is part of the cycle of my relationship, that it feels like the primary person in my life won’t talk to me and doesn’t seem to care about me. of course, this time last year that was because he was falling in love with someone else, but that’s what happens when you are poly i suppose. that sounds jealous and it’s not, really. the thing that continues to upset me about the situations that i encounter with this particular man is his lack of willingness to communicate or be forthcoming with me about stuff. he recently got a huge windfall check from some work he did, and he wouldn’t even tell me how much it was. i don’t hide anything from him and he hides everything from me. i suppose i accept this, but that doesn’t mean i have to like it and have told him as much. oh well. i think i need to just not care so much and get my needs met where i can. i have known for a really long time that he wasn’t someone who could really sustain an emotionally intimate relationship. i don’t know if i ever really thought he would change or not, but he won’t. i like to think that someday he will see, but i don’t think that’s very likely.

i am going to make this entry private because it is private. i am venting because i am feeling bad. i am going to make a public entry too…at least favorite’s only.

i think i am done with this now. i just wanted to let these thoughts out, even if it’s only to my journal. 

busy….and philosophy

wow.

i am doing a whole bunch of crap at work and some more crap in my personal life that’s making it hard for me to spend time here. lots of projects, personal and professional.

i don’t want to write about work. just that exciting things are happening, but so far, they are exciting professionally, but the money to compensate me for the additional responsibility has not been forthcoming and now they have announced a hiring freeze on campus because the power bills have been higher than expected this year. that would almost be laughable if it wasn’t so sad. heh. it’s kind of cool, though, to feel like i am somewhat a part of and directing things for something larger than myself and my department. i do feel valued and listened to as a technical expert, and i suppose that’s saying something. enough work.

the magickal study is going pretty good, if a bit frustrating. part of me wishes that i had hours every day to contemplate deity, quantum physics, reality, time, and the universe, but sometimes i just feel so overwhelmed with the number of choices that exist for activities to take up one’s time, i just don’t know where to start. i suppose i should be more stringent with time management and spend more time with my nose in a book rather than watching reruns of law and order: SVU or the other somewhat inane (although captivating) shows that i watch.

i have been trying to meditate. in one of the first classes we had, a classmate taught us a really cool meditation to use every day to try to align the three souls that each person has. i do notice that just taking 45 seconds or so to do this very simple meditation makes a great deal of difference in my day, how centered i feel, and how on task i can stay.

i also believe that i have made somewhat of a breakthrough concerning making contact with my spirit guides. when i read about other people writing about stuff like this sometimes, i wonder to myself what is real for people and which people are just crazy as a loon? i consider myself a rational person, but i can’t change the experience i had. i had a very lucid dream the other night about the triumverate that are currently my guides. i am now anxious to see if the same folks contact me again. am i looking for proof? i don’t know…i suppose that i am. and then a part of me wonders if it matters. even if these folks are all in my head, if they are saying intelligent things is that bad?  if i am gaining insight that i wouldn’t otherwise have, where is that information coming from? from within me? i don’t know…..does that make me evolved or have multiple personality disorder? one persons ascension is another persons madness? it’s impossible to know because so much of this is so very subjective.

i am taking another class from a different friend and he has a different perspective on things. he considers magick a practice and not a religion. there is undoubtedly a spiritual aspect to some witchcraft, but there doesn’t have to be. interesting food for thought, that.

i think that’s all for now. i better go earn my lack of wage =)

peace

i want to stare into space and do nothing…..

i am pouting, you see.

i had a meeting this morning at 10am that turned into something that was marginally negative because someone else didn’t cover their bases. some days, it seems like it really just doesn’t pay to get out of bed.

oh, and did i mention how annoying stupid people are?

someone ragged on my web application that’s up. which is cool, except that it’s been live for almost a year and available for anyone who so desired to make comments or criticisms and no one has done so. but NOW, there’s this new program and she wants to look good, so she got all anal about things.

bitch.

okay.

deep breathing will help, i am certain of it.

but, on the other hand, i am holding my breath.

brianna seems to be doing very well in school, which is good. she is taking extra classes to make up credits.

i am tired.

is the weekend here yet?

i want it to be done now.

maybe i will have anal glaucoma tomorrow and call in sick. haven’t done that for awhile.

hmmmm….that leaves a three day weekend pretty good-looking.

say, now there’s an idea with potential.

i must go ponder this.

peace.

it was a good weekend….

yesterday, my mom and i battled the evil costco monster. when they built this store, it didn’t seem like it was too busy, but now, it’s a madhouse there. i strongly suspect they are going to have to build another store soon. our community seems to have outgrown the store. takes you half an hour, circling, to find a parking spot, then into the melee in the store. it was horrible, truly. but, we spent lots of money and life is good.

today, my magickal studies class met. i love these women so much. although they are all platonic girlfriends, they are really the only intimacy i have in my life and ever time i am around them, i am so grateful for the fact that i have them. i can vent to them, and we can laugh and cry and share and life is good. today, i am feeling blessed.

as part of my magickal study, we were asked to write down some affirmations that were meaningful for us. i will share the ones that i wrote when i get back. i am getting ready to go and pick up my daughter.

wish me luck, girls, tomorrow brianna goes back to school, i hope all goes well for her. we met with her counselor a couple of weeks ago and she’s been doing an online english class. she’s kicking ass on it and seems highly motivated and anxious to get back on track, which is awesome. i hope that it stays this way. she seems to try to be making friends at the school and she chose to go back to that school. she learned a lot about how she projected herself….she found out a lot of people were intimidated by her, even though she was very shy, mostly. people mistook her quietude for attitude. sad, really, but she is more aware of things now.

and later on….here are the affirmations:

there were a few that were in the book we are studying in that i really liked:

i am completely healthy on all levels
i am in balance and harmony
i release all that does not serve my highest good
i am safely opening my healing abilities

i am successful and talented
i am prosperous
i have all the money and resources i need
i am always in the right place at the right time
doing the right thing
i am joyful in all that i do

now, here are a couple that i wrote:

i am beautiful
i am capable and strong in body and spirit
i am graceful and light on my feet hen i am dancing
i am goddess

my body is my vessel
i love my body as it is
and as i transform it
i will make good food choices and honor my temple

now, here’s a picture of me getting my diploma:

peace.

it’s going to be a good year.

i can feel it.

ho hum…..

life is interesting.

feeling kind of lonely and pathetic right now.

i must be cycling because that’s generally when i feel this way. have been somewhat introverted of late. have been journaling on paper as part of a magickal study thing i have been doing. supposed to do three pages a day and not even getting close to that. which is odd, because when i was writing here everyday, i bet at some points it was at least three pages a day…had i written it.

lonely, lonely, lonely.

and pissed.

my son’s dog is sick and my house smells like dog shit. he left the dog with my mother today, who doesn’t have the ability to clean up after the dog. there was dog shit in my bedroom and dog shit at the bottom of the stairs. dog shit in the basement near the washing machine, dog shit in the cat bed. it was everywhere. i told my son he couldn’t go anywhere or do anything social until he cleans my carpets. it’s disgusting. and he hasn’t come home yet so i am dog sitting and all i really wanna do is go to bed. i am way tired.

did i mention lonely?

it’s okay, i will get over this. i used to think "i do all this stuff, and yet i don’t really have any friends". that’s not true. i have a small group of very good and beautiful friends, who also happen to have their own lives. they are there for me when i ask. they do things for me that leave me speechless and amazed. i love them.

a friend wrote an affirmation that i adore:

my body is strong
i have boundless energy
i am a size 14
my mind is clear and my memory strong
i breathe freely
i am beauty and health inside and out.

peace.

  

MLK day = marriage equality day….

in the early 60’s, when martin luther king jr was blazing trails as a civil rights leader, something very heinous and wrong was happening in our country. although it happened with more frequency down south, it also happened elsewhere. this was in the time before all people were seen to be equal and only the color of their skin was enought to make them seem inferior to people differently colored. i type that like it was so long ago, but there are still people who believe that someone’s skin color can make them less a person. i feel sorry for those people…

to go on to what i was saying, it used to be against the law for people of different races to marry each other. the marrying of someone outside one’s race is called miscegenation and many laws were passed to prevent this from happening. the only state that never tried to pass an anti-miscegenation law is vermont. go figure. the first was passed in massachusetts in 1705.

the battle to have anti-miscegenation laws repealed centered around the united states constitution, specifically the fourteenth amendment, which reads:

AMENDMENT XIV
SECTION. 1. All persons born or naturalized in the United States and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of theUnited States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.

SECTION. 2. Representatives shall be apportioned among the several States according to their respective numbers, counting the whole number of persons in each State, excluding Indians not taxed. But when the right to vote at any election for the choice of electors for President and Vice President of the United States, Representatives in Congress, the Executive andJudicial officers of a State, or the members of the Legislature
thereof, is denied to any of the male inhabitants of such State, being twenty-one years of age, and citizens of the United States, or in any way abridged, except for participation in rebellion, or other crime, the basis of representation therein shall be reduced in the proportion which the number of such male citizens shall bear to the whole number of male citizens twentyone years of age in such State.

SECTION. 3. No person shall be a Senator or Representative in Congress, or elector of President and Vice President, or hold any office, civil or military, under the United States, or under any State, who, having previously taken an oath, as a member of Congress, or as an officer of the United States, or as a member of any State legislature, or as an executive or judicial officer of any State, to support the Constitution of the United States, shall have engaged in insurrection or rebellion against the same, or given aid or comfort to the enemies thereof. But Congress may by a vote of two-thirds of each House, remove such disability.

SECTION. 4. The validity of the public debt of the United States, authorized by law, including debts incurred for payment of pensions and bounties for services in suppressing insurrection or rebellion, shall not be questioned. But neither the United States nor any State shall assume or pay any debt or obligation incurred in aid of insurrection or rebellion against the United States, or any claim for the loss or emancipation of any
slave; but all such debts, obligations and claims shall be held illegal and void.

SECTION. 5. The Congress shall have power to enforce, by appropriate legislation, the provisions of this article.

the supreme court case that overturned these laws was one called loving v. virginia, where a couple had been married in the district of columbia and returned to virginia where they were charged with violating virginia’s law banning interracial marriages. they both pled guilty and were sentenced to one year in prison, their sentences suspended to probation for twenty-five years on the condition that they leave virginia. they moved to the district of columbia and then began their court fight.

in the supreme court decision, the justices wrote:

Marriage is one of the "basic civil rights of man," fundamental to our very existence and survival…. To deny this fundamental freedom on so unsupportable a basis as the racial classifications embodied in these statutes, classifications so directly subversive of the principle of equality at the heart of the Fourteenth Amendment, is surely to deprive all the State’s citizens of liberty without due process of law. The Fourteenth Amendment requires that the freedom of choice to marry not be restricted by invidious racial discriminations. Under our Constitution, the freedom to marry, or not marry, a person of another race resides with the individual and cannot be infringed by the State.

the immediate and instantaneous reaction/question i had upon first studying this case in a gender studies class was :

how can this supreme court ruling exist and not apply to same sex marriages?

happy martin luther king, jr. day.

sources:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loving_v._Virginia
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-miscegenation_laws
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fourteenth_Amendment_to_the_United_States_Constitution

http://www.gpoaccess.gov/constitution/pdf/con001.pdf 

doing better today….

there is still sadness all around. the animals that are left are incredibly clingy, like they think we did it or something and want us to be sure they let us know they love us so we don’t make them go away either. heh.

mysteriously, we are finding white whiskers all over the house. it seems an omen of some sort, that she is trying to let us know that she is okay. they are in odd places where the other cats wouldn’t leave them…or couldn’t leave them. we think she plays with us, still.

son’s puppy ran away too, but he’s been found. he has to spend another night at the pound because son didn’t go there before the return-the-dog thing closed. but he will be back tomorrow. it’s awful quiet without him. we call him the stink-drool. i will post a picture of him when i can. he’s a very pretty dog. we are talking about getting another kitten because it seems unbalanced with only the two.

there’s really not much else going on. tomorrow i am having my intention ritual, which i need to prepare for. i went and spent a bunch of money on groceries today, which were needed. i am trying to do better with my eating again, and i bought a small handheld weight set because i decided i didn’t want to have bat wings anymore. my arms are sore. i hope this helps them.

i am feeling better and better about bellydancing. life is good, except for the poo cat dying.

that colors everything blah, it seems.

it’s nice to be off for the weekend, though.

have a good weekend everyone.

peace. 

RIP Pixie….

our own little baby kitty, who we called poo and a million other pet, endearing names, was hit by a car this morning and passed away. here is a montage of her life with us (this is a from a different online journal and this montage has been eaten by internet gremlins):

she was a mere year and a half old. she shouldn’t have had to go through this. i hope that she didn’t suffer much. i had to take her this afternoon to the vet to have her body disposed of. i got to pet her one last time. her fur was still soft she was just so very lifeless and cold and stiff. i felt her belly and she must have sustained major internal injuries and bled out into her belly. her poor belly was all distended with blood. my poor, poor baby.

there just are no words.

sad.

crying.

RIP, dear pixie. i will never forget you.

have peace. 

one of the tapes of my life…

i found an amazing resource today. it spoke to me in a way that nothing has for a long time.

you see, when i started bellydancing earlier this year, i don’t think until i began that process, that i understood the depth of my own self-loathing. i generally liked myself, i loved the intelligent, beautiful, and spiritual woman that i know myself to be. but that stuff is largely (no pun intended ha!) on the inside. my entire life, i have avoided mirrors. because of what i saw as the variance in the way that i saw myself, and what the mirror projected back at me when i looked in it, i avoided them. because i knew i was that beautiful person on the inside. the problem is that society told me that what i had on the outside wasn’t good enough. society only honored me if i looked like twiggy. emaciated. skeletal.

my first bellydancing class was a joke. me and two other friends. they began before me because i thought to myself when someone posted on a local list "let’s do bellydancing" "who am i kidding? no one wants to see MY belly." shame. always the shame. for just being who i am. for being a fat lady. once they went to a class, they called me and said "this is SUCH a kick in the ASS, you HAVE to do this with us." and i did because it sounded fun. my first class though, i showed up in a pair of baggy shorts and a large, oversized t-shirt. it was summer. hot, but not overly so at this point. i couldn’t see any of the moves i was learning how to do, but that was okay. i had to make a decision almost immediately if i wanted the other ladies in the class to see me, or if i wanted to continue to suck at this because i couldn’t see what i was doing. i decided to bite the bullet and scare everyone else in the class and wear former fitting clothes. more shame to overcome as i contemplated exhibiting my shameful and disgusting body in front of other people. this had been ingrained in me as long as i could remember. i wasn’t good enough, wasn’t acceptable because i didn’t conform to the body type everyone said was beautiful. but i did it because damnit, it WAS fun, and i liked it a lot. it made even someone fat, like me, feel sexy. bellydancing makes a person feel sexy. so very sexy to move your body in curvy and sensual ways. i can’t even emphasize to you how much it helped me to have a teacher that was not rail thin. i think that might have been the end for me if i had walked in and had a stick for a teacher. my teacher had a belly and she showed it with not exactly pride, but with resignation as she’d had a baby nine months before. she has a lot of shame too, still. i see it in her because she isn’t as thin yet as she has been in the past.

 

so, this huge digression had to do with this website i found today. it’s http://www.honoringyourbelly.com/index.html the woman who wrote this book and does the website wrote an article for sagewoman back in 1996. that article can be found here, if you want to read the whole thing:
http://www.honoringyourbelly.com/inspiration/articles/goddess_ungirdled.html

in part, it reads:
                        Your comfort doesn’t matter, whether you can breathe doesn’t matter,

whether you can live fully and freely doesn’t matter. What’s important is that you look good. If your belly is too big, if it doesn’t fit in, you have to hide it, crush it. Your belly shouldn’t be seen, it’s embarrassing, shameful, wrong. You’re a misfit by nature, there’s just too much of you. You have to hold yourself in, you don’t deserve room to breathe. Don’t take up too much space. What’s important is that you fit into the very narrow definition of what’s acceptable. Left to be yourself, unconstricted, unrestrained, you’ll stick out, bulge out, be totally inappropriate.

 

wow. that’s playing a tape i have heard my entire life.

i don’t like that tape. at all. it makes me feel bad. i want to love the outside of me as much as i love the inside of me.

that’s what i am feeling resolute about now. not just for this year, but forever.

on one of my tribes, someone posted a picture of a button that says:

Fuck Your Facist Standards of Beauty

yeah.

so there.