Winter Solstice….

is today.

my head space is tired and somewhat cranky today. the last two nights i have been out past 9:00 p.m. shopping. i am almost done. i need to get something for my brother and his girlfriend, my daughter, nephew, and something else for my mom. my mom i am going to buy earrings. my brother, not sure, maybe booze, that’s always an easy cop out gift. the girlfriend i actually like, so i was going to put a little thought in to her gift. sort of like a condolence prize for being with my brother. hahahaha. daughter, not sure what to get her…i already bought her a bunch of clothes, which she was told was her main gift, but i did want her to have something small to open. nephew, i was thinking a small mp3 player. not sure he will appreciate it, but he might. one truly never knows with that kid.

sort of belatedly, i have gotten the holiday spirit. somewhat.

i am perpetually at a loss to understand the behavior, motivations, or destructive behaviors of others. i do not worry about these things except that they often negatively impact my life. i could probably go into a long diatribe of specifics regarding this topic, but i am not sure i have the energy at this point in time.

do you ever wonder if you remain in someone’s life, in a partnership sense because they truly love and care for you, or if they remain because you make life so very much easier for them? i wonder this. a lot. it would be great to live a life where no one expected you to do anything you didn’t want to do and you could throw a big old fit any time someone asked you to do something that wasn’t expressly your idea. what an interesting concept. does that make that person someone who has good self care skills, or does that make them uncaring? just because someone isn’t good at something, should they be exempt from doing it completely, even though it’s often perceived as a tangible way of demonstrating care for another person? i guess it’s up to that person, but it sure bugs me. gah. frustration reigns supreme with me lately. pfffft. pfoooey on that, say i.

i am, apparently, a caretaker to a new wolfdog puppy. the getting of this animal was not my choice, but it has been foisted upon me and while i love the little guy for his own sake, i am resentful about not having a choice in the matter. i feel like i am the father in an unplanned pregnancy situation. you feel guilt at the thought of aborting because this is another life and soul you are dealing with, but at the same time, it could tie you down and drastically alter the life you thought you were going to have for the foreseeable future. and at the other end, there’s just someone who made this decision without thinking things all the way through that thinks it’s going to be really nifty…when he feels like being involved.

today, i am apparently whining about a decided real or perceived lack of control about my life and immediate surroundings. hmmm. i must ponder this some more. technically speaking, i do have control, as much as anyone does, but i choose to consider others in my choices. others do not return the favor, which is part of the reason for the frustration.

these are solstice thoughts.

or life thoughts.

peace.