anchor’s away, my boy…..

so, it rained here for at least 36 hours straight. the problem with that is that we live in a desert and we rarely, if ever, have that sort of sustained moisture without stopping. hence, flooding. although they are saying this isn’t as bad as the flood that occurred in 1997, it’s still pretty scary. there’s a river that runs through the middle of downtown and there are many bridges down there and around town. flooded. there are various and sundry low spots all over the valley. flooded.

and the REALLY good news? now, there is another storm system coming in, and it’s a colder one, so when i went out recently to take my nephew somewhere, it was colder than hell. most of the standing water had receded by this time in my immediate neighborhood, but now, it was cold. the kind of cold that makes your nipples painful when they respond to the sudden blast of cold air.

now, it’s supposed to snow for an undetermined amount of time. it snowed a bit earlier, and should be more later, and perhaps all night.

we were going to go out tonight, my sister and i, to a coffee house. there was going to be live music, folksy type music, starting at 7pm and going until after midnight. i am sure it would have been very good. except that the coffee house is in one of those aforementioned low spots and while i am not sure the establishment itself was flooded, getting there would have proven challenging so the event was cancelled. another time, perhaps. i will keep an eye out for upcoming events there. i have been to this place before, but when i was there, it was summer and the concerts were outside. i am intrigued to see how one would be inside. i rather thought the inside was smallish, but i don’t expect that they get too massive of crowds, although i have driven by there and seen a goodly number of people.

i have some more to write, but i think i will put it in it’s own entry. not sure if i want it to be public, fav’s or only just for me, yet.

peace. 

all is well

yesterday i spent in the hospital with my mom. she had to have an angioplasty in her leg. the best case is that they would have done both legs, but i think the doctor ran out of time. they couldn’t get her blood pressure down low enough to start the procedure. she said she read the paper they gave her, but she must have forgotten. next time, i will make sure we do it right. i hope there is a next time, because the leg they did isn’t hurting like it normally does right now.

we got really afraid when she was having all the tests done leading up to this procedure because they told us that she was 80% occluded on one side and 100% on the other side.

modern medicine is a wonderful thing. when the doctor first talked to us about this procedure, this is something that wasn’t even done as little as two years ago. they used to think that the extremeties were too risky to do angioplasty on, so my mother would have been told to live in pain. they went in at her hip, so technically, it wasn’t even a surgical procedure, although they did it in the OR. she was awake the whole time, they just gave her some medicine to put her leg asleep.

my sister was there too. it was nice to have her company, although i could have done without it. i love my sister, but she’s a tad narcisistic.

the cold is better. last night was the first night that i didn’t take any cold medicine to sleep. i didn’t want to sleep really hard because i wanted to be able to wake quickly if my mom needed me. i slept with her last night, she has a huge bed. the reason is because although i was sure she would be fine, there was a chance the plug they put in her femoral artery could come loose. if that happened, she could bleed to death in under five minutes. she wouldn’t hardly have time to realize what was happening and call for anyone before it would be over. of course, everything was fine, but it made me feel better to be there.

today, i am going to lunch with a bunch of people who are local and also on tribe. it should be very interesting, for sure.

have a great day, everyone!

peace. 

christmas…

christmas is over.

things went well.  spent a few hours at my brothers house. now, a week of off-time looms and the only question is what to do first? my house is in serious need of cleaning, my laundry needs to be caught up, my room needs to be organized so that i can move in it AND find stuff…what a concept. i want to keep dancing during this break, don’t want to lose any of what i’ve gained over the last months…

my nephew is in  a bit of trouble and now i need to try to talk to him and make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid. we had asked him to go for holiday dinner last night and he said he might go, then took off with his friends and didn’t come home last night. the tides are changing again, i can feel it. goddess, please allow me the opportunity to give this young man the strength to face his wrongs and do the honorable thing. let this be a catalyst to putting him on a more honest and hard-working path, not the beginning of a long and hard road towards crime and anti-authoritarian bitterness. he’s so bright and he deserves so much better…

added later….

i had to stop writing this entry because just as i was typing, my nephew’s friend came over who had also been arrested and i wanted to talk to him. i wanted to tell him to tell nephew that things aren’t so bad and he needed to be here to face the music. he called me shortly thereafter to say that he was coming home. this makes me glad, we will see if he can keep to it.

apparently, i let my guard down too soon…i appear to have caught a cold, and i am none too pleased about that. at least it’s not the flu, but there does seem to be an over abundance of snot, a funny, plugged up talking voice, and muccus is, apparently, my friend. ew. i hate being sick. of course, that didn’t stop me today. i pretty much refuse to be sick all week. at least the snot is clear. if it turns bad colors, then it will be bad. i will rest the next couple of days, but them, i am refusing to be sick anymore. think good thoughts for me.

my mom’s procedure to get her angioplasty done is thursday. i need to be well for that. i would never do anything to compromise her chances of staying healthy. if anything, she will have to give me a wide berth due to sickness. for now, lots of water and i might dig out some emergen-c’s to drink and keep my vitamin c level up. and echinacea, before things get out of hand. yeah, that’s it.

i went shopping today. the kids had managed to break some of their x-box controllers and there was a good sale on them, so i went to get a couple. one wireless and one wired. i also got some stuff i desperately needed for organizing my space in my bedroom. it’s a little box with smaller boxes in it to put shoes in, and then another on top of that which is just shelves. this helps me maximize the space in the bottom of my closet and keep stuff nice and neat rather than the cluster it usually ends up =) could be the dust that’s causing my nose so many problems too. or the dog hair. how can someone be so whiny without really whining, you ask? not hard….and oh, so subtle =) yeah, right.

i think that’s about it. i am off this week and almost bored already. i wanna clean my house, but there is an inevitability of it becoming a train wreck again if i do so that discourages me before i even begin the task. then there’s the not feeling so well thing and my motivation is less than nill.

my daughter is having teenage relationship drama. wow. who knew kids could be so demanding at fifteen and sixteen? and they act like each little thing is the end of the world. wow. she cried today and everything. but, at least she’s been home, and she’s reasonably with me. she is doing pretty good.

that’s all.

peace. 

Winter Solstice….

is today.

my head space is tired and somewhat cranky today. the last two nights i have been out past 9:00 p.m. shopping. i am almost done. i need to get something for my brother and his girlfriend, my daughter, nephew, and something else for my mom. my mom i am going to buy earrings. my brother, not sure, maybe booze, that’s always an easy cop out gift. the girlfriend i actually like, so i was going to put a little thought in to her gift. sort of like a condolence prize for being with my brother. hahahaha. daughter, not sure what to get her…i already bought her a bunch of clothes, which she was told was her main gift, but i did want her to have something small to open. nephew, i was thinking a small mp3 player. not sure he will appreciate it, but he might. one truly never knows with that kid.

sort of belatedly, i have gotten the holiday spirit. somewhat.

i am perpetually at a loss to understand the behavior, motivations, or destructive behaviors of others. i do not worry about these things except that they often negatively impact my life. i could probably go into a long diatribe of specifics regarding this topic, but i am not sure i have the energy at this point in time.

do you ever wonder if you remain in someone’s life, in a partnership sense because they truly love and care for you, or if they remain because you make life so very much easier for them? i wonder this. a lot. it would be great to live a life where no one expected you to do anything you didn’t want to do and you could throw a big old fit any time someone asked you to do something that wasn’t expressly your idea. what an interesting concept. does that make that person someone who has good self care skills, or does that make them uncaring? just because someone isn’t good at something, should they be exempt from doing it completely, even though it’s often perceived as a tangible way of demonstrating care for another person? i guess it’s up to that person, but it sure bugs me. gah. frustration reigns supreme with me lately. pfffft. pfoooey on that, say i.

i am, apparently, a caretaker to a new wolfdog puppy. the getting of this animal was not my choice, but it has been foisted upon me and while i love the little guy for his own sake, i am resentful about not having a choice in the matter. i feel like i am the father in an unplanned pregnancy situation. you feel guilt at the thought of aborting because this is another life and soul you are dealing with, but at the same time, it could tie you down and drastically alter the life you thought you were going to have for the foreseeable future. and at the other end, there’s just someone who made this decision without thinking things all the way through that thinks it’s going to be really nifty…when he feels like being involved.

today, i am apparently whining about a decided real or perceived lack of control about my life and immediate surroundings. hmmm. i must ponder this some more. technically speaking, i do have control, as much as anyone does, but i choose to consider others in my choices. others do not return the favor, which is part of the reason for the frustration.

these are solstice thoughts.

or life thoughts.

peace. 

i r a college graduate, yo

life has been quite the busy here.

last saturday, i walked down the isle with all the other young and not-so-young adults and shook the hand of the second-in-command on this university on account of the president quit and had already served his "official" last day and got a scroll that said ‘your right to graduate is still being evaluated, but thanks for showing up for the ceremony!’ heh. i know that mine is okay because i actually finished last august. it just sort of felt dishonest to walk before i had actually completed everything. yes, i realize i am a dork.

generally speaking, i am glad that i went. in the end, i went for me. and for my mom. i saw her dabbing at her eyes. i am her first child ever to graduate from college and the first in my family period. so she cried. i wasn’t going to walk, but then, this student who works in my office, she told me it was important. and i forgot that i had promised my bosses that i would walk and they reminded me of that. and really, the clincher was that there was a sale at the book store on thursday night and i got my gear for 25% off, which was also very groovy.

when you’ve been around as long as i have, people know ya. i got giant hugs from professor’s i have become friends with over the years. there’s the political science professor who taught me about the environment and gave me new and interesting ways to look at things. then there was the women’s studies lady who gave me an F because THEY didn’t keep in good touch with me, but i was too lazy to dispute the grade. she seemed very happy for me anyway and i am pretty much over the f, although when i apply to grad school that could change. there was my vice provost who gave me several hugs throughout the day and asked me what my master’s was going to be in (ACK!). and finally, the staff person from the venue who ran all the way around to the other side of the stage to give me a hug and congratulate me. i have worked with her once a year for the past five years for two or three days for the jazz festival. she was very exuberant and it made me feel happy. she’s kind of cute. heh. the only person i would have liked to have seen that i didn’t was the unitarian english professor who is a friend and a teacher who taught me a killer english lit class over three of the most intense weeks i’ve ever spent at the beginning of the summer…but i still thank her for it, it was a great class.

i talked with other people in the "general studies" degree line and we all talked about how this education thing is addicting and we hope it doesn’t mean we can’t take classes that sound cool now, just because we have the piece of paper. some in line had already registered for such for next semester. i hope that education is always as important to me as it has been these last years.

i feel 18 again because i now have a tassel hanging from my rear view mirror that says "2005". i was also awarded a pint glass of celebration from the college of liberal arts for finishing in their college. it makes me wonder if they are actively encouraging drinking after graduation, or if putting "would you like fries with that?" on the celebratory item would just be too much? =P hahahahaha

my daughter said "wow, i can’t believe you are done. you have gone to school for as long as i can remember". heh. thanks. seriously, it’s good that she acknowledged things. both of my kids came to my graduation and my son took pictures. i was moved by this, that he made the effort and so did my daughter. my daughter even smiled, dressed nice, and was pleasant the entire day.

after the auspicious ceremony (which lasted three hours, but considering the volume, was generally well-organized….and they say that was the SMALL graduation ceremony, sheesh), i took her shopping because she desperately needed more clothes. seriously. first, we ate sushi at a new place that’s by my house. it was pretty good, but the sushi chef was very cranky despite repeated attempts at humor or to engage him in any sort of conversation. people who rely on tips should at least pretend to kind of engage with the people they want money from, it seems. apparently, not if you make sushi. everyone else in the place was very pleasant.

then, there were two parties to go to. one was my bosses holiday shindig. he’s supposed to make us gumbo for the office christmas party because his sister-in-law made it for theirs and he said it was okay, but he was going to make the real stuff. gotta love that guy, truly i do. he’s a great support to me. the last party of the night was one of my bellydance teachers. that was pretty festive, and my mom let me drag her around to all these events because my husband is still in vegas. she seemed to have a good time and everyone i’ve talked to from my work said how good, healthy, and happy she looked. this made me feel good too…

my mother-in-law should be out of the hospital by now. her daughter is living there in vegas with her now, and they have a lot of things to do and worry about now. they live in a multi-level house and need to evaluate if that’s the wisest choice for someone who is having mobility problems. they love their house, though. i send them positive thoughts to get thru this life-altering event. i am glad she is alive right now. my mother is going to have her angioplasty on december 29th. i am off then, and am glad i don’t have to use my leave to be with her. not that that matters, at all….but it’s good to know i would be off anyway.

yesterday, i bought a three foot fake christmas tree. i love the smell of the live one, but it makes me feel guilty to buy and kill a tree. i used to think "the trees are dead anyway, if i don’t buy one, they just end up in the shredder anyway" and while i believe that to be true, with a five month old wolf puppy in the house, a large real tree doesn’t seem to be a good idea. we will see how this one goes.

i think that’s about it for now. this has been a long entry because i haven’t written for a long time. i have been a cheating diary ho. i started a magickal journal as part of my study and have been writing in that, by hand.

that’s all.

peace.

Year in Review….

Pilfered from [Hurricane Katie]….

Instructions: Go to your Calendar and find the first entry for each month of 2005. Post the first line of it in your journal, and that’s your "Year In Review".

So here it is… BoehmianRhapsodee’s 2005, in review!!!

January: there’s still a ton of snow on the ground here.

February: it’s about three weeks before i go to pantheacon this year and about four weeks until i go to philadelphia now.

March: tomorrow i have to get up hideously early and fly on a plane to philadelphia.

April: wow. this crazy woman is really starting to piss me off.

May: as suspected, it did rain most of the time that we were camping, but it was also fun and glorious to be there still.

June:  it’s been so long since i’ve written and there’s so much to tell, it feels overwhelming, knowing where to begin.

July: i should be more positive.

August: i had a really great weekend last weekend.

September: it seems oddly inappropriate at this point in time to write about what an awesome time i had at burning man or on my vacation when so much has changed in the world and country that i know.

October: in the midst of still perpetually worrying about my daughter and whether she is still alive or doing awful things to keep people taking care of her, i am also having some of the greatest times of my life.

November: this next few weeks are going to be a roller coaster ride for me, even more than usual.

December: Blustery, rainy, northwest day is what it feels like in my town today.

hmmm….reflecting back on things, this year had a lot of ups and downs for me. there was a lot that made me question my ability to be polyamorous. the jury is still out on that, i think. i agree in principle, but when people don’t behave the way i think they should, it puts me in an insecure tailspin, questioning everything and everyone. i am not sure yet if this is a shortcoming for me, a strength, or somewhere in the middle. probably the middle. maybe we just tried to hard and got caught up so badly in wanting it that we acted on situations that weren’t in our best interest. i am still struggling mightily with the fallout of these events and smart enough not to even suggest anything else until i have some more time to process stuff.

it was also a tough parenting year, as my children reach for their own identities and indepdence. i had gotten arrogant about this and the universe spanked me for it. i am glad i have confident, strong-willed children, but watching them get to where they are is hard when they make mistakes along the way.

not sure why this appealed to me, but it did.

everyone have a good night.

peace.

kali ma

has been calling to me for awhile. i think she’s been trying to tell me forever that i was going to have some big challenges in the area of parenting and boy has she been right, as anyone who reads me can attest, over the last six months….

funny thing, i did a "pagan name generator" thingie that someone posted to an egroup i am on. it can be found here:
http://www.fjordstone.com/fjo/generator.html

and here’s the name it gave me:

Kali Dagda Mandala

i find this oddly appropriate, right now.

funny how the universe works =)

quasi-incommunicado

not sure how long this entry will be….

this weekend, i had asked my daughter to bring me some water. she sort of flung it around where i was, kind of "here’s yer water, woman" in a very playful way. she didn’t realize that i was on my laptop, so some water splashed on my laptop and i think it might have shorted out the motherboard. i haven’t tried to turn it on in a couple of days, but it wouldn’t power up at all. i would ask my husband to get me another, but he’s out of town, still in vegas until the 17th of this month. the cool thing is that i am not that upset about things. i hope that i get to keep all my stuff, that would be upsetting to lose everything, but i don’t think the harddrive was damaged, i think it’s the board, so i should be able to get me stuff….

the weekend was good for me, although i really do feel as though i have not stopped running since i got back from vegas.

saturday, i went to a cookie exchange that a friend organized. it was in this beautiful home. i guess that the woman who hosted is a doctor’s wife. they have smaller children and had the most amazingly cute little kitten. it was a siamese. i like those. we ate cheese, drank wine, and traded cookies. it was a lot of fun. i enjoyed the female energy and as the wine was free-flowing, there seemed to be a lot of good and meaningful conversation about spouses, trials of life, it was just a good time. i felt a little out of it because i don’t know these people as well as they all know each other. but, i managed. some of those issues are universal, so they translate well no matter how well you know someone.

then, later saturday night, there was an open floor bellydance event at this pizza/greek place. that was cool too. my teacher was supposed to dance, which is why we went, but she ended up getting sick and didn’t go….but we got to see some others show up and dance and that was great. there was this one lady that i had seen dance before and she had a costume this time….last time she hadn’t really planned on dancing and did, this time she was more prepared. she was stunning….and very, very good. she had some of the finest isolation of her tummy muscles and had great shimmies. wooo hoooo…..

yesterday was much more insular, but still a great day. i had a total dork moment. yesterday was to be the first day where we met to begin a small group of pagan study with a few friends. i was so intent, when getting the directions out of my email, that i just wrote down the directions and didn’t look at the time. so i showed up at this woman’s house at 11am, and the time wasn’t actually until 1pm. hahahaha…..jokes on me. the good news, though, is that i think we are all going to work well together and i am excited to start this process. i do need to make time for it, but that shouldn’t be too hard. these are all things i wanted to do anyway. this is a new thing for me and i am looking forward to learning new and cool and interesting things. the energy between all of us is very good and we seem to all get along well. the three class hours flew by like moments. we ate good food, made arrangements and came to pretty easy agreement about a lot of things, and then left with smiles. it was great.

last night was largely a lazy night. i took an allergy pill yesterday and that always makes for sleepy, medicine head for most of the day. i alternated between tired and spacey yesterday, kinda weird.

my son is learning first hand what it’s like to be a parent =) i called him a few times yesterday and since i have been home to tell him about cleaning up after his new baby….a timerwolfe hybrid puppy. i think he’s getting a little tired of the whole process. the animal is cute, but he’s a busy guy and he likes to be away from home a lot. that’s really not condusive to being a new father, and i told him last night that if he couldn’t take care of the dog adequately, it had to go. it’s a tough thing. he’s a cute little guy, but the bottom line is that no one else needs to be responsible for him. i told him flat out i didn’t want something else to take care of, i am looking forward to that chapter of my life being closed, and he needs to know that. eh. i don’t want to write about that anymore….

i am somewhat struggling with d being gone too. it’s like, when he’s home, we get in to this routine and when the routine is disrupted, i feel more needy or clingy. i wonder what he’s doing, if he’s doing anything that would harm his relationship with me. i generally know he would not, but that crazy woman last year who had a thing for him lives in vegas, so there’s always that shadow of a doubt, ya know? in the end, he is an adult and will do what he will. my job is to decide what i can and cannot live with. it’s been a long time since he went away though, so this is interesting dealing with. he’s going to be gone for about another two weeks. he generally does worse than me when he isn’t home.

i think that’s all i have to say for right now.

peace.