the saga continues….

 i thought things were going better.

last night, she came home, i even gave her an extra hour in good faith that she would follow through on her commitment. i woke up this morning, went to her room to wake her for school, and she was gone. her bed had not been slept in.

i had to call the police this morning again, get a new case number. no note, no communication. about 10:30 last night, she was wandering around the front door, and i told her, brianna, it’s late and you have to go to school tomorrow….get to bed. "i will mom".

i had a really good cry this morning. i called the police again and reported her again. the counselor told me to do that, when we saw her. i called the school to make sure she didn’t show up, even though i knew she wouldn’t because her backpack was at home. her school semester is shot now. her counselor told her yesterday, if she missed one more day, no one would be able to help her. the cops told me to have them site her when she returns this time, so she will have to go to court and such. i also took her cell phone and called all the numbers in it and told all the voice mails and people i talked to that brianna left home again last night and that if anyone saw her, they probably ought to encourage her to come home, because she was a runaway.

this really doesn’t seem a lot about control to me. i believe this to be showing blatant disrespect. we even talked and i told her "i understand if you feel like you need to get away, just leave me a note or something so that i won’t worry." nothing.

i have a meeting to go to, so i can’t write more. but damn.

just.

damn.

fuck.

man, am i tired. it’s not even ten a. m. yet and i am exhausted.

now, if she comes home, i don’t even know what to do with her. school has kicked her out. she isn’t old enough to get a job, and if she gets one, then she won’t go back to school. the word "powerless" comes to mind. i am speechless and broken.

bah!

(edited to take out some duplicate wording.)

something to amuse myself later….

the other day, i got an email from this guy who i work with and he was asking me about something i had done for him over a year ago

he had a big presentation to make at our staff retreat, based on the demographic data i had given him, and he wasn’t prepared

so he asked me if i still had it

being that i have dealt with such fuckwittery often at my job, i never throw anything away

then, he said if i had it, he would buy me chocolate..and asked me if i liked dark or milk chocolate

which means, yes, i had it

so i emailed him back and said "dark", that was it

so i sent it to him and he fell all over himself thanking me, for, basically, doing my job

when i was getting my mail the other day, there were some lovely norwegian dark chocolate wafers in my box to reward me for being able to accomodate a fucktard =)

i know this is not very nice. and in most cases, the gentleman in question seems like a nice enough fellow. it’s just that people often expect herculean effort out of others and reward them in kind, when if they had just actually done something properly to begin with, such measures would have been unnecessary.

now, for your viewing pleasure (link opens in new window, i think):

http://www.mentalsoup.com/mentalsoup/basic.htm

enjoy.

come on, my life is filled with teen drama….give me a little bit of a break for being mean just this once, will ya?

thanks =)

life carries on….

so, the day after she came home, i called my eap program and got a counseling appointment. i thought that b would hate this woman because she kind of told things how they are, but she said she liked her because she could respect her honesty and straight-forwardness. we go back again on monday. i couldn’t get her a psych appointment right away, but it’s this coming tuesday too, so we will be back on track as far as her meds go.

she talked to me a lot about hating school. she hasn’t told me that the one friend she had at her current school transferred to another school, and i really think that’s what sort of precipitated this, because b thought she was alone, or felt abandoned again.

so, also the day we went to see the counselor, we went and looked at a couple of charter schools that might be more of what she needs to flourish. before, when she was institutionalized, she was in a very small class setting with lots of individual attention and she really flourished in that environment, and hasn’t done as well since. i think she just feel invisible at her current school because it’s so large and so crowded. unfortunately, because of the timing of this, both the school’s we went to are currently in the middle of their cycles. one school, called "i can do anything" charter school, is the one i’d really like to see her go to. they are starting a new session around october 10, but it’s up to a lottery if b gets in or not because they have so many applications. the other school, which i am less thrilled about, but it’s closer to home, is not taking new students until january. so, i asked her to hang in there with her current school just until one of these others worked out. she could get in to icda, and i will be sending my energy that way, but i am not sure how realistic that is at this point.

yesterday happened to have been dental hygiene day for my family. another annoying thing about my daughter is that she has taken such poor care of her teeth since she’s had braces that she is going to have some permanent scarring from the brackets on her teeth. there’s nothing the dentist can do about it that doesn’t cost a ton more money. this is disappointing, but again, is her issue. i can’t really see the scars, but the braces are still there. we will see how things look if she ever gets the damn things off.

bellydancing class last night was fun, if a little off-putting. the instructor invited a toddler she met at one of her performances to the class last night and it was pretty disruptive. some of us take that class to get away from children =) also, last night was the last class for my friend who is moving to germany. i will miss her a lot.

so, life continues. and generally, it’s good. right now, i look at my daughter and still love her because she is of me, but i sure don’t like her very much right now. but i have been forcing myself to spend time with her, to listen to her, and to try to remember that she really is very sweet when she’s normal. it’s hard sometimes.

anyway….that’s about it for now. just wanted to let everyone know what’s going on.

peace. 

well, she’s home….

well, another update.

my daughter came home. other than knowing she’s okay, i can’t honestly say i am even glad. this is very, very stressful.

i don’t know how to deal with this. i asked her to write for me why she left, if she felt out of control, why she felt out of control and ideas about how we could negotiate to make things better for everyone. d and i both hugged her and told her we loved her. she was brought home by the people she was staying with. she apparently lied through her teeth to them too. she told them my d beat her! he has NEVER laid a hand on her, and i know this to be true. it’s true because he knows what it’s like to be physically hurt by someone larger than him and he would never do that to another human being. thank goodness these people have met us and didn’t believe her, but my goddess, the LIES. where does it end?

here is what she gave me:

"first of all, the reason i left is because right now, the though of being controlled i HATE. it’s like, yeah. i’m a teenager mom, i want freedom! i don’t want to worry about coming home! honestly, if i wasn’t so worried about going to school and being arrested i would have gone. second, i didn’t feel out of control at all, i just didn’t want to come home.

look, i just want the freedom to leave for a couple days and not have to worry about coming home but thats too much to ask so i honestly don’t  know what to do to make things better. so yeah i guess that’s all i really have to say."

because i had reported her as a runaway, the cops had to come back to our house. the cop who came back had an earlier altercation with her, and he knows her. he told her how life is. if she doesn’t go to school, all she will be fit to do is strip or be a street person. she acted like this was no big deal. she laughed and had attitude with the cop.

while we were talking to the cop, my husband went up to her room and she was making a joke about things to all her friends on the computer.

i was feeling bad for her. i was feeling guilty because i was thinking this was all my fault for not forcing her to stay on meds. but she really does seem to think that she’s a little adult. seriously. i don’t know how to deal with this at all. tomorrow, we are going to go to employee assistance, and see if we can see the psych or the gp to get meds.

i told her already, if she tells me what she needs, i can negotiate that with her. but she is fifteen damn years old! i don’t think "staying gone for a few days" is acceptable at all. how can she even suggest it might be?

i totally don’t get this.

oh well, i am sure there will be more to report tomorrow.

goodnight.