When Self-Care Is an Act of Defiance...

Jibaro Soy by Mark Rivera - coming soon to Fourth Street in Downtown Reno!

 I was afraid this was going to happen.

I've crafted this amazing life. I've been hustling so long to keep my life and the way I like to live viable and support my family, I am now committed to these things, these people. Now, they depend on me, and I've made a commitment to them that I will trade my labor and time to help and ensure that their businesses are successful. 

Sometimes, I don't want to. There, I said it.

That isn't really real. That's tired real. I feel so very honored that there are people who trust me enough to allow me to do this and work with them, so they can be successful. This is the way for the future, I am sure. I have noticed in recent years there are SO MANY people that have to be scrappy and work multiple jobs, just to survive. That is so, so wrong. I wonder if people who worked 30 years to get a pension and were able to survive back in the day know how fortunate they are? I know people now who say they will never be able to retire. Some work only for benefits/health insurance.

This weekend, I spent an amazing time, helping produce an event for some of the most amazing minds in my sphere, who create the event I have been a part of for more than 20 years, Burning Man. I am a part of those people. I used to be a part of those meetings, but I'm okay supporting them now in a way that seems meaningful. That way is managing volunteers and somewhat "hidden" aspects of the event, to allow the production staff to focus on....the production. This is what I WANTED to do....

That meant a full week of work last week, taking the last two days off of work as annual leave for the day job, but working no less hard, and physically harder than I do most days in support of this event. I knew it would be rough because by Sunday, I was TIRED. Those tend to be long days...starting somewhere between 5-5:30am and not ending until after 8 or 9pm and if I was a bigger party girl, I'm sure I could have found things to do far into the night, but that life no longer really calls to me. 

Monday morning dawned and I knew I was exhausted. I didn't exercise because I literally woke up tired. LOL. In that soul-weary way that you do when you've worked hard, and also feel good about things. Then, all the things I'd been putting off came home to roost. There are some work things I'd been procrastinating on...mostly writing my own annual review, which I've been salty about all year because of some things that happened near the end of the year that made me feel like larger powers don't know what my department is, they don't know what we do, and they have little respect for us...until something happens and we can't work well or efficiently and then there is hell to pay. F that, and yet....four more years until retirement.

This post is all over the place. I haven't posted in awhile and I need to maintain the self-care and clarity of thought that comes from committing my thoughts on to "paper", be that virtual or actual, because it allows the energy out, and allows me to let go of it, to move on, to process in a way that I can't do while it's all still just in my brain, ruminating around up in there.  

Anyway, my heart is full...the group of volunteers who stepped up to help me with this thing kicked so much major ass, they were super impressive. They showed up, on time, and gave of themselves because it's their community too.

Yesterday afternoon, so many things blew up! I had made a commitment in the morning to attend a dance class that I love to attend, but I was also tired tired tired. A friend who's business I am helping in addition to an event production company I help both had crises at the end of the day. Thank you, universe, for putting those things in front of me, with "THIS HAS TO BE DONE NOW", because as with many things in life, sometimes the biggest part of success is showing up and being present. By the time I was driving to get my meds last night after 6pm, I exhaled and thought, "Thank you, Universe. For putting these things in front of me and forcing me not to go to dance class today. You knew I was too tired. You had my back..."

Now, future endeavors dictate that I figure out how to get there without the Universe's help and say "thanks, friend...I would love to go to dance class, but I need some rest. I'd LOVE to do all the things, but I am one human and one body, and today, this body needs rest."

I got up this morning feeling like recovery is happening. I worked out, I had coffee. I breathed deeply and welcomed the day. 

Peace.

Grief is a fickle mistress...

Today feels like a big 'ole ball of emotional train wreck.

Good news (there is almost always good news haha) - Two snow days and a looming 3 day weekend for MLK day, and it feels like mini-vacation with five days off! Woot!

I just sent Dan off for 10 days in Florida to visit his friend Pam, have a bit of vacation, and get paperwork hopefully completed for a Jeep we bought from her a couple of years ago. In other Dan news, he FINALLY saw a doctor who SAW who he is and received an upgrade to his disability rating. January saw the start of that new retirement check and it was a much needed relief for me. 

As I'm writing this, I'm listening to a wood chipper destroy a tree in our next door neighbors yard. Dan had mentioned to me recently that the tree was dying and needed to be removed. We had talked about...the original owner of that home, Mrs. Priest, I am sure she's gone now, but I'm sure she's twisting in her grave. She kept such a beautiful yard! They were a very traditional family, perhaps the only I remember growing up, where Mr. Priest went to work every day and Mrs. Priest tended the home and garden. She always had immaculate flower beds, neatly trimmed and seasonally appropriate. kept the edging in her flower beds trimmed with the utmost care, and mowed her lawn every week with a push hand mower. They were Renaissance people. She never drove, and she always wore a dress, never pants. At least three times a week, she would walk to church at St. Alberts, the Catholic church a couple of blocks from our street. 

I KNOW, with the logical part of my brain that everything has a life, a life-cycle even, and likewise, that everything dies. However, what happened today feels like another thing that is a part of my history that will just be gone. When I looked outside and saw them chopping up that tree, I just started crying. 

In many way, I feel like I am literally cleaning out my life, my house, my existence. In some ways, as I get older, this is inevitable. I keep telling my son that I don't want to leave a mess for him. Part of this, I think, is natural, as we get older. I am in my mid-50's. I try to live healthy, and hopefully I have many more years ahead of me, but the bottom line is, if I live as long as my mom, I have 22 year left. The clock is ticking and I have so much living still to do! There is lots and lots and lots of grief, feeling, and loss to unpack and process!

I just read something that resonated deeply with me. "I am in a humbling process. The root of the word is 'humus' -- the rich material of leaves and exoskeletons and waste all lovingly broken down by mycelial and microbial action into the sweet, fertile darkness of soil (mis-typed soul...coincidence?) that births life on this planet. 

I am welcoming the humbling process as I bathe my true self in love and give myself the time and space I need to truly thrive in deeper ways." FG

That's all, today.

Peace.

 

As 2024 Begins....

 Like, I was ready to see it go, but man, 2023 was a good year for me. A year of realizations. 

There is so much hope! 

I really hadn't realized how sick I had allowed myself to get or be. I think in some ways, we need to be obligated or should seriously take stock of ourselves like, I don't know. Yearly? Every five years? Realizing how much of myself I had subjugated? Lost? Forgot to realize or analyze if something is working for your highest good?

I hadn't realized how MUCH of myself I had hidden, made smaller, to make other people happy. How much I had "let things go" to keep a sense of peace that didn't exist anyway. Realizing the ways in which I was being horribly codependent because, once again, I wanted someone I loved to be happy. 

In essence, seriously, fuck all that shit, man. 

In the end, it doesn't matter when it happened, how I noticed, or how long it took. What matters is that now, I am the FUCK AWAKE, I am all about it, and I am now living MY life, for ME!

Today, I am finishing a rad new tattoo I am working on. Crow has been in my life for awhile, and has been calling me....cawwwwwing at me to wake the fuck up!

Thank you, Crow. Thank you, to that therapist I went to a couple times on my employee assistance program, who when I told her part of my story, she looked at me agog and was like "Grrrl, you got some stuff to work on." I think that was my first clue. I mean, holy fucking shit, I thought it was all my fault! I must be a terrible person because my child thinks I am. What did I do? I was firmly ALSO in victim mode and stuck high up in that drama triangle. 

At this moment, I have a firm sense that everything in my past has led me to this place. Has led me to the part where I am ready to claim my life for ME and claim all the happiness I can suck out of the time I have left. 

This year, I am making a commitment to getting to know myself better this year. I am paying more attention to astrology and planetary alignment, and also tarot cards, divination and having a stronger sense of spirituality. I ordered some shelves to be able to create an altar in the main room of my house. I purged an old curio cabinet that came from a ranger friend who passed away. It was a good piece, but had gotten broken and was just holding stuff with a bunch of emotional baggage. Now, it's gone!

My yearly horoscope themes this year are HEALING (first quarter), Focus (second quarter), Connection (third quarter) and Courage (fourth quarter). We will see how these continue to play out. 

Goals for this year include:

• CONTINUE THE PURGE! 
• Bring the whirlwind of the upstairs space to the downstairs space. Purge clothes and personal belongings. The goal here is to LIVE TINY. Get ready for the bus. Only keep those things that continue to serve us.
• Finish cleaning out the garage
• Purge the attic and get anything out of there that no longer serves us. Can we turn this in to living space?
• Continue with the process for the back yard.
• Be able to use the outside/porch space as additional living space
• Journal a minimum of once a month, with a goal of once a week. Have both paper and online journals in a few different places =)
• Make a commitment to quarterly revisit where I am and if anything needs to change. 

And, here's me....exhausted, after having made 8 dozen cookies for my long-time cookie exchange. Like so much of life, once the thing is done, it's awesome and you're glad you did it, but slogging through to get there feels Herculian, until it's done =) 

Peace.