When Self-Care Is an Act of Defiance...

Jibaro Soy by Mark Rivera - coming soon to Fourth Street in Downtown Reno!

 I was afraid this was going to happen.

I've crafted this amazing life. I've been hustling so long to keep my life and the way I like to live viable and support my family, I am now committed to these things, these people. Now, they depend on me, and I've made a commitment to them that I will trade my labor and time to help and ensure that their businesses are successful. 

Sometimes, I don't want to. There, I said it.

That isn't really real. That's tired real. I feel so very honored that there are people who trust me enough to allow me to do this and work with them, so they can be successful. This is the way for the future, I am sure. I have noticed in recent years there are SO MANY people that have to be scrappy and work multiple jobs, just to survive. That is so, so wrong. I wonder if people who worked 30 years to get a pension and were able to survive back in the day know how fortunate they are? I know people now who say they will never be able to retire. Some work only for benefits/health insurance.

This weekend, I spent an amazing time, helping produce an event for some of the most amazing minds in my sphere, who create the event I have been a part of for more than 20 years, Burning Man. I am a part of those people. I used to be a part of those meetings, but I'm okay supporting them now in a way that seems meaningful. That way is managing volunteers and somewhat "hidden" aspects of the event, to allow the production staff to focus on....the production. This is what I WANTED to do....

That meant a full week of work last week, taking the last two days off of work as annual leave for the day job, but working no less hard, and physically harder than I do most days in support of this event. I knew it would be rough because by Sunday, I was TIRED. Those tend to be long days...starting somewhere between 5-5:30am and not ending until after 8 or 9pm and if I was a bigger party girl, I'm sure I could have found things to do far into the night, but that life no longer really calls to me. 

Monday morning dawned and I knew I was exhausted. I didn't exercise because I literally woke up tired. LOL. In that soul-weary way that you do when you've worked hard, and also feel good about things. Then, all the things I'd been putting off came home to roost. There are some work things I'd been procrastinating on...mostly writing my own annual review, which I've been salty about all year because of some things that happened near the end of the year that made me feel like larger powers don't know what my department is, they don't know what we do, and they have little respect for us...until something happens and we can't work well or efficiently and then there is hell to pay. F that, and yet....four more years until retirement.

This post is all over the place. I haven't posted in awhile and I need to maintain the self-care and clarity of thought that comes from committing my thoughts on to "paper", be that virtual or actual, because it allows the energy out, and allows me to let go of it, to move on, to process in a way that I can't do while it's all still just in my brain, ruminating around up in there.  

Anyway, my heart is full...the group of volunteers who stepped up to help me with this thing kicked so much major ass, they were super impressive. They showed up, on time, and gave of themselves because it's their community too.

Yesterday afternoon, so many things blew up! I had made a commitment in the morning to attend a dance class that I love to attend, but I was also tired tired tired. A friend who's business I am helping in addition to an event production company I help both had crises at the end of the day. Thank you, universe, for putting those things in front of me, with "THIS HAS TO BE DONE NOW", because as with many things in life, sometimes the biggest part of success is showing up and being present. By the time I was driving to get my meds last night after 6pm, I exhaled and thought, "Thank you, Universe. For putting these things in front of me and forcing me not to go to dance class today. You knew I was too tired. You had my back..."

Now, future endeavors dictate that I figure out how to get there without the Universe's help and say "thanks, friend...I would love to go to dance class, but I need some rest. I'd LOVE to do all the things, but I am one human and one body, and today, this body needs rest."

I got up this morning feeling like recovery is happening. I worked out, I had coffee. I breathed deeply and welcomed the day. 

Peace.