And now for the time being, this chapter is closed.
My son-in-law flew back to Reno yesterday, came back to the house, picked up the rest of their belongings, the dog and cat who had stayed, and his girls, my grand daughters, and left by 5am this morning for their final journey to Kentucky. It’s been fun watching them discover this new place and new things. My grandson, Cylus, has called me each morning since his mom setup Messenger Kids on his tablet. The fact that he thinks of me every day right now fills my heart. Knowing it will not always be so brings a tinge of sadness, but any time you are a caretaker for something, unless it’s something perpetually dependent, like a pet, it will eventually get bigger, go away, and it is in those times that you hope you instilled in them the things needed for them to go forth and do well. I know Cylus has a strong heart, and hope he remembers his granny. 💜
After they left Friday, I got a text from our renter and he asked if he could bring his stuff Monday or Tuesday. HOLY SHIT, that means the room has to be habitable by then! We went in to overdrive, and made it happen. I was so sore and worked so hard to get things as presentable as possible!
When my daughter was first moving back in, she was saying the old 70’s colors were coming back. She chose the most hideous baby shit yellow for the bathroom, that was one of the first things that had to go. hahahaha. Here is a picture of what I am calling baby-shit-be-gone!
There’s so much I hadn’t realized we had never done! There’s a built-in linen closet at the far end of the bathroom, and when I started wiping down walls it occurred to me we’d never painted the sheet rock after the old remodel when all that got put in place, when my mom was still alive. She passed away in 2006. Got all that painted, I think it looks nice:
Then, when I looked at the hardwood floors, I realized the carpet glue had never been sanded off the floors. Our friend we paid to help paint the back porch had said he would loan us his orbital sander, so I spent much of the next day and a half sanding the floor. Of course, he hadn’t left the sawdust collection bag, so there was sawdust EVERYWHERE. That required the walls to be wiped down again, glad I hadn’t gotten far with that, then the floor needed to be cleaned in earnest, so a good damp mopping there with Murphy’s oil soap to get the crud off, washing the curtains, making things as presentable as possible. Then we needed to move the bed in there, and a dresser from one of the other rooms. This is what we ended up with:
It’s not perfect, the floors need to be sanded better and be refinished, but hopefully that’s in the cards soon, too. The take-sway is that we did it! Husband helped a lot, he’s been very sweet through all this.
Progress. As much as I lament the separateness of humanity and American culture, I don’t think my daughter and I collectively and/or individually right now are healthy enough to repair a relationship that was built on generations of dysfunction. I hope we get back there, but right now, we are not in that place. I think and hope this will be good for us, ultimately.
Having them back in the house last night made us realize how much we were looking forward to and have been enjoying the PEACE in our household. It’s nothing against them, they are a young family doing young family things. AND, kids are loud, they are messy, and as we get older, I don’t think it’s wrong to value PEACE and QUIET. At some point, and indeed, in the past, that silence was somewhat deafening and I don’t think I was ready yet, to be alone. I am now. I’ve known for awhile I was my own best friend. I think I had a huge amount of my identity wrapped up in being a caretaker. I thought I had avoided some of the traps of my mom, but I think I just found new and interesting ways to be selfless and self-sacrificing to my own fucking detriment. I can honestly say, now, that I am my own best friend. I have enjoyed my own company for a long time, but now I am at peace. I want nothing but the best for them, and I’m ready to put myself first, work on myself, and enjoy life.
It feels good. After they left, I think I did it Friday evening, I did a cleansing. When you want to rid things or release energy, you walk a circle widdershins, or counter-clockwise. I had learned previously to sweep inward and outward while saying “in with the good, out with the bad, in with the good, out with the bad”. I accentuated that with “I release you. I release you all prior members of this household, this family. I release you Starry’s, Gann’s and anyone who is lingering and searching for peace. Take your energy back. We love you, we love the time and energy you have put here, and shared with us. If you want to check in, feel free to do so, and know you are free to go.”
(volunteer pumpkin flowers from the front yard. The grandkids/their parents let the pumpkins rot in the front yard last Fall. Life finds a way.)
Peace.
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