Another orbit around…

 The 21st was my birthday.

I never in my life thought I would live past 30, much less make it to 55. The funny thing? Good Goddess, do I love life! My goal is to make it to 100, or die trying, as a friend and I often joke.

And….then discovered on the 22nd (coincidentally, my oldest child’s birthday hahaha, my almost literal “twin”) that another friend had passed unexpectedly, and he was younger than I was. He was a beautiful soul.

I went camping for my birthday, and also help facilitate for a Burning Man regional leadership conference that I participate in. Here’s some trees that took my breath away, where we were camping.

In general, I am pretty happy with my life. I am getting over the fact that my daughter may not ever come back to the knowledge of how much she is loved and cherished. I hope she learns to love and forgive herself and me enough to get to that space, but ultimately, it’s out of my control and beyond what I am able to do or make happen. I miss her, but having my eyes opened to things makes me realize my perception of how things were between us wasn’t accurate anyway. There is a ton of sadness there, and also acceptance. The more I think about things, the more I realize the universe has put two very similar people (my sister and my daughter) in my path for me to learn specific lessons. I think I am still figuring out what some of those lessons are. I might write about this more later.

On May 13, I went to a workshop. It was about a new way to communicate called “UPLVL Communication”. There were other things in the workshop too, but this was MY personal focus. She has a book and it can be found here. It posits that there are three parts to our psyche, if you will. The “animal”, the “ego” and the “higher self”. I cannot even begin to tell you how deeply this resonated with me. It gave me a framework through which to have my feelings heard, feel like they were heard and acknowledged, which released their charge for me, and allows me to let them go. This is going to take practice, for sure. Since then, I’ve had the chance to tell a few people about it, and helped teach a part of it, this last weekend. I might continue to write about my processing of things here, but I’m not going to explain it or go into a lot of detail, because that’s the job of coaches and the book, not me. The technique I learned is called “UPLVL Venting”, and it’s part of the process. Only a part. For me, this makes it so that I don’t feel invisible. It allows me to express what I’m feeling and allow myself to be soothed. This has been huge for me.

The birthday was good. I spent it with friends. I feel a bit discombobulated now, realizing I haven’t written about this and now feel like it’s a HUGE part of my life.

I rode my bike to work today. It was fun. It was easier than I thought it would be. I like doing this. There are currently thunder storms, and it’s looking like I’m going to be riding home in it. I can’t even lie, I’m sort of looking forward to it.

Here is a pinecone heart someone made at the camp ground we stayed at last weekend. They must have known I needed this.

Peace.

Being more healthy…my saga continues

 Okay, so, a recap of where I’ve been. In 2006, my mom died. It was pretty devastating. At that point, I weighed just about 300 lbs. This was burning man, the next year, in 2007, and despite this smile, I was a hot mess. The picture next to it was last year, in November, at the end of November, beginning of December.

That’s fifteen years difference there. And just about 100 pounds. I now hover just above 200 lbs. But I am so. much. healthier. In mind, body, and spirit. Sometimes, I think we need to look at the progress. I was trying to find an earlier picture, but think this is pretty good. The funny thing is that when this was taken, I was actually a bit on the road to being healthier. I was fire dancing in 2007, and sometimes rehearsing several days a week. I was also bellydancing, and performing for both.

I don’t really remember where I was going with this, except that it had been awhile since I’d done a side-by-side, maybe never. I don’t honestly remember. But I do remember assembling this and being proud.

We are on our way to another Summer, and it feels good. Going to publish this and then start writing another entry. Trying to catch up!

Peace.

I didn’t go to therapy this week….

 When I was leaving my last appointment, the receptionist wasn’t there. In the ensuing time, I did not call. Meh, I am on the fence about it. I will call, eventually, and get the thing sorted. I’ve also discovered that procrastination is a non-coping mechanism for overwhelm for me. heh.

I am generally feeling better.

I had homework. I will call again, but I need to straighten some stuff out first.

I’m having some financial woes. I counted on some stuff I shouldn’t have counted on, and now I’m struggling and trying to find a way out and coming to terms with the fact that I am going to have to tighten my belt, at least for a little while. This is me being accountable. I have some “extra” money coming in at the end of the month, for which I am trading labor, but every little bit helps. It will all work out, the important thing is not to panic. Somewhat easier said than done, I will persevere.

Life is so interesting. People I never thought would be family are….family of choice and actual family has made it super clear they have no interest in being a part of my life. Having relationships means efforts on all the sides and I no longer have time and will not make the time for people who do not make time for me. Maybe that’s the lesson of getting older. I don’t know.

I think our society is at a precipice. I hope it is, kind of, and also acknowledge that it is and will be painful and probably messy. Our entire society is built on individualism, grow up, grow out, get out on your own. And yet, fundamentally, we are tribal and are the happiest when we share space and commune with other humans. Maybe the lesson is that as you age, my therapist says that each stage of life prepares you for the next stage of life, so if one stays “stuck” or doesn’t take any or the appropriate action in one phase, that’s how we get so messed up. I think of this in relation to my daughter, or generational relationships in general. What happens when a child DOES NOT grow up, move out and become independent? What happens when there are unhealthy patterns in there, sometimes generations deep of codependence, neediness, enabling, and family dynamics that say “I AM THE CARETAKER” and “I AM THE ONE WHO GETS TAKEN CARE OF, SO I DESERVE THIS”? That’s when things start to get messed up. And man, can it get messy. I also think that, like, we all should be required to do a soul inventory or something, like, every five years. Are these still my values? Do I still believe this way? Is believing this way contributing to my highest version of myself? Is it keeping me in unhealthy patterns and behaviors? What do I want to be and do in this phase of my life? How do I get there from here?

Deep thoughts for a Thursday, May the Fourth Be With You.

Peace.