I think I need this.
For a lot of my life, I have had the feeling of being invisible. I think a lot of people, when they are alone and/or lonely, think, “No one really knows the person that I am.” I feel like this. I think a lot of people know parts of me, but no one really knows the all of it. My mom probably came the closest, and she’s been gone for a long time.
I’ve been doing all this work on myself. I’ve been doing communication stuff, and sacred sexuality stuff, and self-love stuff and sometimes I just also feel lonely. I am not sure what to say about that except that it is.
There are so very many ways within my life in which I am blessed, and I am so, so, so grateful for what I do have. But I do carry that longing to have someone know who I am. I was reading a friends diary from here, and it occurs to me, that I don’t really know what it’s like to have absolute safety. I think this is sort of like, a core wound thing with me. I have feared and battled against abandonment my entire life. I am not sure I’ve ever felt safe, or that safety was something I “got” to have. I do okay mostly taking care of myself, but that, yeah, that would be nice. Would I know if I ever made it there? I thought for awhile that I had it, and that house of card came tumbling down too, with the invisible lies that were holding up said house of cards.
I guess I am feeling a bit forlorn today, time to get out of this funk, fo sho. I got to have a tattoo session yesterday, that’s always a pick-me-up. When we started to shelter in place, I designed and have been in the process of building a tattoo sleeve on my left arm. All the big parts are done now, we just need to finish the geometry that ties everything together. And isn’t THAT a metaphor for life?!?
That’s all for now, thinking deep thoughts, but have some stuff I have to do.
~Peace.
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