tis the season….of suck

this is a really bad time of the year for me.

i can’t believe my mom has been gone for three years. it seems like yesterday, and while at most times of the year the pain is a dull ache it seems to flair around this time of year into a red-hot poker that sears through my heart. i try to keep myself busy and try to stay upbeat, and most of the time i succeed. and then it hits me…

i have been trying to distract myself and that helps somewhat. i just read all four twilight books in about a week or less. that was entertaining. i wish there was more. escapism is an okay form of therapy =) i really am doing fine, but come here, as always, when i need an outlet for things i don’t feel comfortable expressing in other places. does this mean that my life has become so full most of the time that my need for open diary has decreased? that’s an interesting thought to ponder, but i think it’s more a time issue…

a few months ago, i went through a change at work. they decided that i needed to be more visible, so they took my nice, cozy, comfy office away from me and forced me in to a cubicle in the center of the noisiest, busiest office. it’s been quite the adjustment, and not always pleasant. 

also, i am on my way to writing the saga of paris. i want to include pictures, and i don’t want to forget any of it! i think i am on day two or three now, in my other diary, the one where i pay for hosting space. or will, once my initial year is up =) this od window is behaving strangely and i wonder if it’s because i am using google chrome? that’s my current theory. now, i will see if the entry saves…..

yep, it saved, so perhaps it’s just a weird display thing in the code. i need to stop thinking about stuff like that =)

anyway, i am still here, and feeling a bit blue today. i did see AVATAR last night, in 3D and it was pretty nifty. seeing it in 3D made me want to see it in IMAX. i think some of the 3D stuff is lost on me because i tend to see and view things very linearly. i don’t even know if that’s a word, but we’ll say for arguments sake that it is.

i can’t think of what else to say, right now. yesterday was the solstice and i am happy to welcome the sun back, it can hurry along now, any time. my town got a huge snowfall this year, almost two feet at my own personal house, and it’s still hanging around, which is rare for the high desert, usually there’s not enough or it gets too warm to stick around. we were supposed to get another storm last night and while we did, it looks like it was mostly rain. there was just a light dusting of snow out this morning, and the roads didn’t seem nearly as frozen as they have in the past.

if any of you like chill-loungy type instrumental-based music, you should check this out, it’s very beautiful:

auditory canvas

that’s all i have for right now, will try to get back sooner than i did last time =)

peace.

auditorycanvas.bandcamp.com/album/fabric-of-life

Confessions of a bad web mistress...

Photo by Caroline

Above is a shot of me getting zombie-fied for a recent belly dance gig. Good times, that.

I find that I am actually experiencing that which everyone says is true...the mechanics car sucks, the doctor is always sick, the plumbers pipes are always clogged, and the web persons website is kind of crappy =) Actually, it's not crappy, I love the theme, and I love what I've done with it thusfar, what I am NOT apparently good at, is updating it.

I am going to make a concerted effort to change that, though. I am actually working on a project that organizes many of the photos from Paris, and I want to post them here, in a day-to-day sort of way, and write everything down so I don't forget it.

Life is for living. Blogs are for remembering and recording so one doesn't forget. The issue is that I've been so busy living, the recording has been suffering a bit =)

Anyway, just a quick update as we approach this new year for this heathen soul, to say that I am still out here, have LOTS to update on, write about and do. I will update as I can, perhaps make it a larger priority for the immediate future.

Rest assured that I am well, living la vida loca, and looking forward to seeing what comes out of the Senate in the form of health care reform. This is conceivably one of the largest single issues of my lifetime, and I am excited to see what direction it takes.

Peace!

(This is to preserve my Open Diary entries, that's why it's mentioned here.)

i have sort of come to the conclusion that my open diary is dying. i am not sure what it is. i renewed it. there’s a part of me that cares still about being here. time is the magickal thing that seems to constantly allude me. taking the time to come here. i still think i need to get stuff written down. i can’t believe i haven’t been here since 4/20. heh.

in the time since i have been here, amazing things have happened. i went to france and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. i will post some pictures. the other thing that has sucked all my time is facebook. i love it. i am addicted, i can’t help it. there is an immediacy and an interaction there that doesn’t exist here. i wonder if open diary is a precursor and social networking sites like facebook are the next wave in the evolution of the internet? i kind of think so…there is time and space there for unlimited interaction. i heart facebook =)

in about 17 days, i will be producing the second fire show. it’s an annual thing and a part of artown, which is a month long arts festival in my town. i am still spinning fire, but there’s been much drama involved with that, and i am not sure how involved i will continue to be with that group. i am still bellydancing and that continues to be a joy. i sort of change what i am most fond of with my hobbies, like i go through different phases. 

right now, i must get back to work, but just wanted to check in here. i have been a baaaaad diary owner.

peace.

6-13-09 Paris, Day Three

Oh my. Now it's been almost a year since I went to Paris and I haven't written down everything the way I said I was going to. I really wanted to commit to that, and now, I have to rely on the pictures to remind me of what happened each day. I will do what I can to remember it as it happened....

Sunday was the day that we visited the Centre Pompidou which was a really cool place. They call it the inside out building because all the pipes and stuff that's usually in the walls is on the outside so they can get more uber cool art on the inside. That seemed pretty groovy to me. There's like this large open space in front of the Centre, and it's pretty cool because there are all sorts of street vendors, performers and stuff that setup around there. I am sure to many it all seems very tourist trappy, but I enjoyed it a ton and thought it was charming. We saw magic tricks, dancing, musicians, it was awesome.

Here's the photo set from Day Three:

There was this giant flower pot outside the museum, which was pretty interesting. Inside, it was also very interesting, but it's sort of an odd thing. When you are surrounded by SO MUCH, after awhile, one just seems to get desensitized to things. We did see an angry feminist exhibit that I thought was pretty awesome. I thought of my old women studie's prof's and how much they would have enjoyed it. OH, OH, OH...there was one other thing I wanted to say about Pompidou. There is some rad sculpture there. Last year, I took a "Welding as Art" class at our local community college, and the teacher was awesome. His name is John Septien and he's an amazing artist as well as an amazing teacher. In discussing this class with some of the others that took it with me, we mused at what NOT an easy job John has essentially shoving an Art class and a welding class together, but needing to make sure the students understand concepts of both. Large concepts like negative space, orientation, and having your sculpture look good from all angles are a challenge to someone who's spatially challenged like me. Being in Paris and seeing all the amazing sculpture made me understand these concepts in a way that John could not have shown me with two-dimensional pictures. I am not sure yet that I will ever be a decent welder or metal art sculptor, but I understand better what he meant =)

After the Pompidou, we walked up the empty space and found an adorable little Italian place that was sort of indoor/outdoor seating. Some of the seats faced outside, and it was all open air. We got a table on the inside. We had the first of what would be a series of AWESOME pizzas. I would NEVER have guessed this, but we had a pizza with smoked salmon and lots and lots of cheese on it. It was amazing. I had pasta and a salad, and I don't remember what everyone else had, but I do remember that all the food was amazing.

After that we headed back to our neck of the woods and chilled out for awhile. We had some free time, and no dinner plans with the group, so we looked and decided we were going to have Sushi in Paris. This seemed a very metropolitan thing for us to do, we took advantage!

We walked to the Sushi place, through the streets of Paris. It was very cool. Seeing things that are so old. We found these little kiosks they have along the way that allow you to exchange money like right there, on the street. It's so funny how Americans assume everything revolves around them and Europeans assume the opposite, that others may need to access different stuff. heh. Along the way to the restaurant we saw the Canadian embassy. I pointed it out to Margo, but we were past it by the time she noticed. Heh. The days, in many ways were a complete blur.

When we got to the sushi place, it was totally cool because the whole thing was done like in purple neon. How cool is that?!? Then I brought one of their menu's home because it, too, was cool. I think it's like a city law or something that everything in Paris must be a work of art. Or maybe it's competition, who knows?

6-12-09 Paris, Day Two...

Day two was sort of like a hangover day, but, like, when in Paris, keep going baby, you can sleep when your dead because you better see all you can see while you are there! As you doubtless will realize, this is a recurring theme of the trip. Sleep? Sleep is for the weak!

We had to get up early, seemingly early, so that we could take a couple of trains to Versailles. The hotel had a really quaint little breakfast room where we were able to eat each day, I will have to see if any of us got a picture in there, it seems odd because it was such a large part of where we gathered each morning, and ate each day, but maybe it's like the kitchen in one's house...you take it for granted that it will always be there...

Breakfast in France, or Paris, is an interesting thing. Mostly portable, I wonder how much of the food they had they had because many Americans stay with them? There was cereal, and yummy brown hard-boiled eggs, that always seemed to be in short supply. Then strong coffee, tea, water, an assortment of juices and OF COURSE, bread, and cheese. Bread and cheese, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways....of course there were croissants there, which were delectable, I think I had two while we were there. I probably COULD have eaten my body weight in them....

We meet in the lobby in time to walk across the street and down the block to get to the Metro station. I heart the Metro. If you miss a train, hang around, there is a good chance another will be by within five minutes. Our fearless leader experienced a moment of panic herding us cats near the Metro station, but we were reasonably quickly sorted and on our way to the RR train, which takes us to Versailles.

The Metro station in Versailles is it's own historical building, very beautiful. We walk across the street and we have a bit of time before we have to walk over to the palace for our appointment to go see it. We decided to head down into the little town and see what we could find. It was really our first opportunity for some SHOPPING! Everything seemed like a specialty shop! Quaint little shops everywhere, each having a specialty. Cheese shops and bread shops and sandwich shops and candy shops and sweet shops separate from candy shops. Dizzying! We went into a small boutique and I found a lovely skirt for my daughter at a decent price, so I bought it.

In an aside here, you have no concept of how important a good travel bag is until you take a trip like this. Nina had gotten a Rick Steve's backpack as a prize for something she did. I coveted this backpack the entire time we were there! I liked it so much, as SOON as I got home, I ordered one. I had a HUGE National Guard backpack that while I was grateful to have had it, it really was much too heavy to carry around all the time. I ended up buying a much smaller purse that I still use for such things, but now, I have THE BACKPACK!

We headed back in time to make the rendezvous, and headed to the Palace. When the palace first came in sight, I seriously thought it was a compound, it was so huge, and it seemed like we were half a mile away JUST walking through the parking lots! Scale takes on a whole new meaning! The closer we got, the shinier the palace got. There was a huge line, which seemed very daunting at first. On the opposite side of the palace, there was another set of double-doors, with no line. "Group Entrance". Score. Gold gilded scroll work around the top of the ENTIRE palace. Really?!? In one of the videos I made from the trip, my first comment was "Today's lesson in excess is the Palace of Versaillies..." Seriously. To think that this was the home of one family is really mind-boggling. That's the first thing I noticed.

   

Above are the pictures from the day. If I had it to do over again, I would have spent less time in the palace, and more time in the gardens, but the whole thing is an experience, and I am glad I got to experience it. I cannot imagine what it must have been like to live or be entertained during the time this palace was someone's house. Seeing a couple of thousand people in the Hall of Mirrors barely made a dent. The king and queen bed chambers looked very small compared to the grandeur and scale of everything else. It seems like it would be a very COLD existence. The gardens were phenomenal, even the small amount we got to see.

6-11-09 Paris, Day One...

So, I think I might have mentioned before that Paris rocked my world. It was so far beyond awesome, I can't even express. It was my first time out of the Continental US, and I was nervous. Boy, was I nervous. For one thing, I was pretty scared because here it was, going to be my first time out of the country, and I was going to do something to possibly get myself in trouble =) You see, when we first started talking about going to Paris, one of the first things that came to mind was, "Wouldn't it be cool if we managed to spin fire while we are in France?!?" And WHAT is the most recognizable landmark in Paris? Yes, the Eiffel Tower. The challenge came in with trying to fly with our fire tools. With the level of paranoia in my country, I didn't want to end up accused of anything bad...

The entire time at SFO we were waiting to board the plane, I kept waiting for them to call me over the loud speaker and tell me I couldn't go and could I please follow the nice man in the dark suit? BUT, that didn't happen, and before we knew it, we were being whisked towards Paris on the hellish odyssey that is unique to cheap international flights.

I am tall, but not overly so. I am five feet, seven inches tall. I pity my husband, who flies more often than I do and is six feet two inches tall. To say there is no leg room on an international flight is a gross understatement. If I had to describe that flight in two words, they would be loooooong and cramped =) I do realize how fortunate I am to have been able to take such a trip, however, and am not complaining, just pointing out the curiosities that occurred to a first time international traveler...

We arrived in Paris at around noon the day after we had left San Francisco. Let me just posit here that for 20 people that have not slept in about a day and a half, the driving tour of Paris might not have been the best choice for the first activity off the plane =) I got to wear some of my red wine that was imbibed on the plane, as my seat mate was skooching by me to go the bathroom and didn't see my wine there in the drink holder. Nothing a little spot remover won't cure =) The bottom line, however, was that by the time we GOT to Paris, we were TIRED! This is where the "I can sleep when I'm dead" credo starts to kick in, knowing we have less than ten days in France...

However, many of us were falling asleep during our driving tour of France, which I believe was merely the long way to the hotel down many side streets. However, given that our hotel was in the center of Paris, not far from the Eiffel Tower, this seems a very logical hypothesis. Seeing things you have only seen in pictures and movies until now is really, really awesome! Being in a city with the amount of History that exists in Paris is divine. Seeing buildings probably older than most anything you've seen in your lifetime is surreal. These are thoughts that went through my head as we were driving through Paris. My near-constant mantra was "I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M HERE!!"

We stopped near the Air France building to stretch our legs a bit, and the sense of history struck me again. Just, WOW!

Finally, we got to the hotel. I left the bus feeling guilty because our very nice French tour guide kept saying "You all are so quiet. Do you not have any questions about France of Paris?" No, dear, really, we were just a tad catatonic from a very long flight and still experiencing ass-numbness. She was great, though...what I remember of her =) 

We got to the hotel and I was pleasantly surprised. It was very quaint! We were very close to the Metro, and centrally located to many other things, including the Eiffel Tower, which ended up being perhaps a ten minute walk from the hotel. Hotel rooms, and dwellings in general in Paris seem to run along two different styles. Oppressively small if it's affordable, of ridiculously huge palace that had no choice in modern times but to become a museum or public building. That's one of the first things that struck me. When I saw my bed, I wasn't sure it was possible to push two single beds that close. It's a good thing my roomy and I have a relatively close sense of personal space, or we would have been sleeping on top of each other. The bathroom in the room was so tiny there's no way more than one person could fit in it at a time and I wonder what the rooms looked like before the invention of flat/LCD type televisions, because if our TV had not been hung on the wall, it would have taken half the room if it were an old style tellie. 

Once we got checked in, there was a little time to relax. We were to meet in the lobby before walking to the restaurant for dinner, then heading to the Eiffel Tower. 

Pictures are worth so much more than a thousand words, here are some of mine of day one: 

 

Dinner, was amazing. We walked to this little restaurant about a block and a half away from the hotel. On the way, we found these amazing little kiosks, where you can do currency exchange, like, right there, on the street. They are like these little walk up or smallish booth things where you go in, tell folks how much you want in Euro's, give them your money, and you are situated. 

I think someone told French people that all Americans eat is steak. I think in our first few meals, all we had was steak. Now, that first night, it was good, but steak it was. For desert we got Creme Brulee'. YUM! The place is quaint, there are long tables where everyone sits family style. Vegetarians apparently present a problem for folks in France =) We had a few with us, and if you don't eat steak, you should be disdained, but they did accommodate. 

We walk back to the hotel and have just enough time to gather our senses before we have to meet back down in the lobby to walk to the Eiffel Tower. What can one say about such an iconic thing? Being there was amazing. The detail in the scroll work was unreal. We were talking about it like the worlds largest erector set =) That thought is amusing, until you actually get ON the tower, hehe. 

Perhaps the most disconcerting thing about being at the Eiffel Tower are the people that come up to you and try to sell you things. These folks walk around with these large metal circles with all manner of Eiffel Tower representations on them and they want you to buy them. Badly. They try to get your attention by shoving their wares in your face..."LADY! Pretty lady, Eiffel Tower? One Euro, one euro, only one euro for theese." It was disconcerting... 

It could be ignorance, but I am sort of glad I didn't do a bunch of research on Paris before I went. Somehow, I think that might have made my reactions different. The child-like wonder with which I was able to experience everything is not something I would have traded for the world. I had no idea there was a nightly light show that happens at dusk on the Tower, lighting it up in a cascade of firefly-looking glitter that sparkles up and down the tower, showcasing it's magnificence. It was very cool, I will add a video of this when I can. 

I have to say that this was truly one of the longest days I've ever had. Truly. OMG. It seems like it went on and on and on. This entry might seem like that, too =) 

By the time we collapsed that night, I thought I would sleep forever...knowing I would have less than six hours. My basic philosophy? I can sleep when I'm dead, as I may never be in Paris again....

Paris is AMAZING!!

Today, I got to Paris.

So many beautiful things to see...

I will post more and pictures once I've had some sleep. They are uploaded to Facebook so far, if you want to see them.

 Here's a sample:

deep in the heart....

I am seeing if I can post to this from my Blackberry (this was unsuccessful, hence why it's taken me so long to post it =) But, I did save it on my BB and here's what I wrote when I was there). I am in Texas right now and have been having a fabulous time.

There's this friend that we've known for over a decade. A million years ago in what seems like a different lifetime, my husband and I volunteered for a customer service position for a game called Everquest. The guy was a kid when we met him, now he's 25 and he got married this weekend. He asked my husband to be his best man and he's camped with us at Burning Man the last few years. It's really amazing and sort of funny sometimes how things happen and how people come in to each others lives. I am glad and proud to have Ross and Lauren as our friends. I hope we get to visit them again, soon, some day!

Here's Ross:

Here's Lauren before the wedding:

They are good friends, beautiful people and I feel priveleged that they included us and they were very good to us when we were there. Good times, guys. Truly family of choice.

There was an Elvis sighting....

Anyway, this is the first time as an adult that I have ever visited the Dallas/Fort Worth area and it's not really what I expected. We headed the other day down to the West End where the wedding was going to be and we come off the freeway to be driving along the stretch of road where Kennedy was shot...we could see the grassy knoll right there. It was very surreal feeling because we hadn't sought it out, we just sort of stumbled across it.

Being the morbid soul I am, I had to go back the next day and take pictures:

View from the X where the car was

Closeup of the window where the shot was fired from

An X in the road where he was shot...

And finally, from the Dallas Aquarium, our friend the turtle, who posed for us and everything:

What you lookin' at?!?

And that's part of what happening in Forth Worth/Dallas. Next stop, PARIS!!
Peace!

Time flies...

when you’re having fun! another birthday has passed, and now i am 41. when i was 21, i would mostly have sworn i would never live to see the age that i am now. oddly, i got to be 38 when my mom was still here. she was 38 when she had me. i had the distinct pleasure of looking at her and saying “WTF were you THINKING?!?!” she always said that my sister and i kept her young, but i’m not so sure =)

now, as i look at the calendar, there are 15 days until i leave for paris. i have some things to figure out on this wild blog thing before i go. i’d like to be able to update my blog from my phone, but first i have to figure out some stuff on my phone. worst case, i will try to upload and do stuff between internet cafe’s and phones =) best case, i will have a shiny new little netbook to take a-travelin’ with me. i am such a geek gadget girl. that should be a nickname or something, i am sure.

i leave in two days to go to the wedding of a friend. it’s going to be interesting, that’s for sure. i am still debating how all-inclusive i want this here blog to be, because it’s personal and professional, to some degree. i sort of gave up on punctuation, which i knew would happen the first time i got lazy or bored when typing. i guess that day would be today =)

my birthday was quiet, but good. i got to go out with some of my family, then with the rest of my family the next night, which i think everyone enjoyed. hooooray for me, i got to be there both nights =)

just wanted to take a moment and update. here’s a picture from a recent bellydance performance:

fantabulous weekend...

i had a really great time this weekend. i was going to try to be all “proper english” and stuff on this website, but really, it just takes too much time. i’d rather write about what’s happening while i am living this life.

the first thing of note today is that thirty days from TODAY, like RIGHT NOW, i will be in Paris, France. sorry, that deserved capitol letters because it’s going to be the trip of a fucking lifetime! with only 30 days to go, i realized that yea, i probably ought to start practicing those french phrases so i don’t look like more of an idiot than i surely already will =) i do need to pull a phrase for today, but it’s going to have to wait, i left the darn book at home.

 so, THIS weekend, on a whim, i asked my daughter if she and her boyfriend wanted to go with me to the Whole Earth Festival, where i had a fire spinning gig. i’d never been to the whole earth festival, and it was pretty amazing! we had such a fantastic time! here’s my daughter and her boyfriend: 

and finally, here’s a headline that we got in the davis newspaper, as part of the whole earth festival:

what was actually middle-aged, but still cool is the whole earth festival, not us…although we had recently been having an internal debate about that. i am glad i can look at this three months later and smile. these are good times, and as i look back on this, i have to realize and appreciate how very fortunate i am to have the life i do.

peace…

This whole integration thing...

Is sort of a trip for me. It’s so funny because when we all first started playing on the internet, it seemed like part of the charm of the whole thing is that you could be anonymous…you could be whomever you wanted to be, in different guises, all over the place. That thinking has obviously completely reversed, but I can’t lie and say it didn’t make me nervous to think of integrating some of the pieces of myself into this one place. I kept thinking “Is there anything embarassing in there?!?! Anything to be ashamed of?” Well, if so, I figure people who find this either already know me and know enough about me to not be shocked, or it’s maybe personal and they shouldn’t look too close =)

This is also a place for me to use as a testing ground. Now that I’ve taken on some private web clients, I REALLY need to update my skills too, so I can keep up with these folks and give them what they want. I can’t believe how much has changed and how much is possible with the inter webs and all the stuff that’s happening these days. I am quite sure I am getting old, but I could spend all my time working on this stuff! Oh, wait, I already do =) That’s not entirely true, but I do spend A LOT of time doing this stuff.

Right now, as part of my web work with Controlled Burn, I am trying to find another, open source bulletin board software. So far, the ones I have access to are smf and phpbb. I don’t know that much about forums. I’ve administered them before, but mostly from the advanced user perspective. I’ve installed smf for another client (Asha) and it’s pretty cool, so far. There are some limitation. Here are questions I have about smf:

1. I turned on the spell check, why doesn’t it work or how do I access it and/or make it work? 
2. Can I make it have a facing “announcements” style page like what CB currently has? 
3. I REALLY REALLY REALLY want whoever is writing that ‘repeating event’ add-in for the calendar to be done with it. 
4. What sort of minefield am I entering if I try to import the old forums to the new ? 
5. How far back to archive? 

Honestly, phpBB seemed sort of cool, but the basic package is SERIOUSLY barebones and absolutely anything cool you want to do requires additional tweaking and/or installation. Just not sure I am up for that, although I am sure once I learn it, it would be good.

I didn’t really intend to talk about that here today, this started as a whole “integrating my identities” thing =) I guess as a gemini, this should be making me nervous, eh?

I am also seeking a good flickr widget or plugin that will put pictures in posts. I’ve tried a few, but they don’t work when you activate them. I also need to clarify what the person I am helping wants, exactly =)

Finally, I am looking at a good feeder widget that would allow me to post once on the main wordpress site, and then feed to at LEAST facebook and myspace. This is for Controlled Burn. I’ve tried a couple, but again, on installation, they don’t work right.

That’s it for now….back to the drawing board.

 Peace.

New Endeavors...

It used to be that the internet was all about anonymity. Now, it seems like people are proud and loud and want other people to know who they are on the internet. Or maybe it’s that we’ve all gotten used to people being able to “Google” us and find out details about our lives. Maybe we now understand the true folly of “anonymity” and how obscure that can really be. Or maybe ego plays a part, and we each want a part of ourselves to linger…

After many years, many blogs, a lot of experience, and times, good and bad, this is my attempt to create something comprehensive about me, what I do, what I like, what I don’t, a place to catalog my rants, revel in my triumph’s and cry in my beer. =)

This theme is meaningful for me, right now, at this moment because in June, I embark on a trip to Paris, France, for my first trip out of the U.S. aside from Canada. No, I’ve never even been to Mexico. Everyone has to start somewhere, and this is my start. Look around, be amazed, dazzled, chagrined, mad, or ambivilant, but enjoy what you see here, it’s me =)

Peace.

update….

(Preserving the Open Diary history.)

okay. od opened an auto-dave draft of my last entry, so i had to make sure i didn’t write over that before i started this entry.

i am all sorts of messed up in the head right now.

first, my son is doing fine. he was a squad leader for the first couple of weeks, and then he wasn’t the squad leader anymore, but we’ve gotten some letters from him, and he seems to be doing well. the first letter he sent, made me cry. i am so proud of him…he says that many of the other guys write every night and he just doesn’t feel the need because i raised him to be strong, and that is certainly true. so, we shouldn’t take his lack of constant communication for lack of care, but for self-sufficiency. that made me very, very proud because that’s exactly how i take it. he is more verbal with his girlfriend because she needs to hear his words more than we do. his staying with us before he left was good for everyone. he says he feels closer to us than he has in years and i also feel that way. it’s alternately easy and hard to have grown-up children. i am happy that he is doing well and is self-sufficient. i know i have done my job…he credits me with perhaps more than i deserve, but i did raise him and i feel accomplished that he is a good person, for the most part.

another thing that happened about a week after my son left is that i started a new diet/eating program. i had been saying to myself for a long time that i wanted to do something structured…and i was getting flyers all the time for the center on metabolic studies here on campus, but they always talked about using our state ppo insurance health benefit for this, and i have the hmo health insurance, not the ppo one. so i said to myself, "the day i see my insurance offered on that program, i am going for it"…and it happened later the same week my son left. i called, they had an "orientation" session, and then i contacted my doctor to see what he thought. he asked me if this was something i really wanted to do, and i told him it was. he is also a friend, so he helped make sure i had all the papers signed, approvals done and such in time to be able to start the program the next week. my insurance is paying for everything except for the actual food…they give you everything you are supposed to eat.

so, this week will be my fourth week on this program. i’ve done well as far as the numbers on the scale go. not like, jaw-dropping good, but well enough…manageable even.

the thing that’s messing me up is all the mind-fucking that goes along with body image, weight loss, health. there’s so much negative connotation for me with this. on one hand, i don’t want to end up like my mom, and that’s the major reason i am doing this. another part of me likes who i am and says "fuck your preconceived notions of beauty". this all came about because my fire group got a "community member-at-large" and asked that person to talk to people in the larger community and see what those people thought; their perceptions of the fire group. what came back was a whole lot of ugliness. she said some people said we were only a group of fat, old, ugly members anymore, and some of them even said they had brought people to our event last year who ended up making fun of the people on the stage. part of me thinks these people are small-minded, but it still annoys me. and i’ve thought if some of us should step back because we are hurting the group. the issue is that the pretty people don’t participate anymore, for a variety of reasons. if it wasn’t for us old, ugly folks, some of the time, we wouldn’t have enough people to keep the show rolling, keep the gigs going, etc.

but this whole thing also plays into this whole complicated thing concerning my relationship with food. it’s all very twisted and dysfunctional, and it’s definitely making me think a lot about my motivations, the things that make me eat, and how i react to things. now, i am out of time…i will have to finish this later.

peace. 

piece and quiet...

wow.

there is so much to say, i am not even sure where to start. 

i suppose the place to start is with the thing that is uppermost in my mind right now. my son was supposed to leave for the army and bootcamp today. yesterday at about 10:30am, he got a call from the army saying "you have two hours to organize your life, we want you to leave today instead, be at the armory by 12:30pm". it was pretty stressful. his poor girlfriend did not even get a chance to say good bye to him because she's a college student so she was in classes and working yesterday. his mantra yesterday was "what a difference a day makes..." because there were many loose ends that needed to be tied up that will now be done by me and his dad. my baby now belongs to uncle sam and it's depressing as hell. truly. the good news is that i waited until after he was gone before i cried. it was actually when i saw his girlfriend and what a mess she was that i lost it. the rest of the day was colored with this sadness. i was supposed to go to a bellydance practice last night, but with all that was happening, by 5pm i was completely emotionally exhausted and just wanted to curl up into a ball somewhere and sleep. that tells me i was stressed!

in other news, little more than a week ago, i got my hair braided. i think i've mentioned in here that in june, i am going to paris. it will be my first time out of the united states and i am exceedingly excited. there is more to the story than i think i've written here, but that will be for another time. in the ensuing time, i have been paying for this trip, but i paid it off earlier this month! now, barring something catastrophic, i am going for sure! anyway, i don't really want to deal with international plugs and blowing up appliances and such, so i thought it might be easier just to braid my hair. so far so good, with a few exceptions. i, apparently, have a lot of hair, which means i have a lot of braids. i think i will ask her to make the braids a little larger next time because all this hair is HEAVY!! in general, though, i love it.

so, while i was getting my hair braided, the lady who does this for me is a foster parent. she currently has three, i think, under the age of five. one of them is SO adorable! he is the sweetest little boy and his chances for adoption are slim. he has a cleft pallette, and will require some more surgeries for that to be fixed and some other issues from his mother making poor choices before, during, and after her pregnancy with him. his name is noah. he is three. interacting with him made me realize how sad our system is. noah has some siblings, but none of the bio families want to take him because of his disabilities. the foster mom is afraid to take him because she knows he will have some medical challenges and her health care status is tenuous at best...adopting him could break her with medical bills. i thought to myself how sad that this little boy is going to be shuttled around a system that's so inadequate. what are his chances? i began to think perhaps i could help this kid. my kids are grown. he deserves better. i thought and thought about it. when i mentioned it to my husband, he accused me of looking for a replacement child because mine are grown and one was getting ready to leave at the time of the conversation. part of me wondered if i wanted a "do over". it would be very hard to "start over" and have a small child again. is this what i really want? then again, it seems almost selfish not to do this for this awesome little boy. i know i could handle his challenges. i just don't know. it would be amazing, and at the same time, do i want to go back to that place? he's 3, so there would be no diapers, but there would be day care, special ed services, iep's, and dealing with his other issues. too much? i just don't know. i am agonizing over this stuff....what do you think?

i am very excited because the ladies i bellydance with are finally getting to the point where we might be ready to form our own group. we've been coming together for the last couple of years to dance beyond what was done just for class. i think our name will be "hipswitch". i am very excited about this too.

things in the fire world are also exciting. the fire arts festival will be in july, and things are rolling along with that. 

those are the things which are currently on my mind....now i need to post this in a lot of different places =)

peace. 

piece and quiet…

  wow.

there is so much to say, i am not even sure where to start. 

i suppose the place to start is with the thing that is uppermost in my mind right now. my son was supposed to leave for the army and bootcamp today. yesterday at about 10:30am, he got a call from the army saying "you have two hours to organize your life, we want you to leave today instead, be at the armory by 12:30pm". it was pretty stressful. his poor girlfriend did not even get a chance to say good bye to him because she’s a college student so she was in classes and working yesterday. his mantra yesterday was "what a difference a day makes…" because there were many loose ends that needed to be tied up that will now be done by me and his dad. my baby now belongs to uncle sam and it’s depressing as hell. truly. the good news is that i waited until after he was gone before i cried. it was actually when i saw his girlfriend and what a mess she was that i lost it. the rest of the day was colored with this sadness. i was supposed to go to a bellydance practice last night, but with all that was happening, by 5pm i was completely emotionally exhausted and just wanted to curl up into a ball somewhere and sleep. that tells me i was stressed!

in other news, little more than a week ago, i got my hair braided. i think i’ve mentioned in here that in june, i am going to paris. it will be my first time out of the united states and i am exceedingly excited. there is more to the story than i think i’ve written here, but that will be for another time. in the ensuing time, i have been paying for this trip, but i paid it off earlier this month! now, barring something catastrophic, i am going for sure! anyway, i don’t really want to deal with international plugs and blowing up appliances and such, so i thought it might be easier just to braid my hair. so far so good, with a few exceptions. i, apparently, have a lot of hair, which means i have a lot of braids. i think i will ask her to make the braids a little larger next time because all this hair is HEAVY!! in general, though, i love it.

so, while i was getting my hair braided, the lady who does this for me is a foster parent. she currently has three, i think, under the age of five. one of them is SO adorable! he is the sweetest little boy and his chances for adoption are slim. he has a cleft pallette, and will require some more surgeries for that to be fixed and some other issues from his mother making poor choices before, during, and after her pregnancy with him. his name is noah. he is three. interacting with him made me realize how sad our system is. noah has some siblings, but none of the bio families want to take him because of his disabilities. the foster mom is afraid to take him because she knows he will have some medical challenges and her health care status is tenuous at best…adopting him could break her with medical bills. i thought to myself how sad that this little boy is going to be shuttled around a system that’s so inadequate. what are his chances? i began to think perhaps i could help this kid. my kids are grown. he deserves better. i thought and thought about it. when i mentioned it to my husband, he accused me of looking for a replacement child because mine are grown and one was getting ready to leave at the time of the conversation. part of me wondered if i wanted a "do over". it would be very hard to "start over" and have a small child again. is this what i really want? then again, it seems almost selfish not to do this for this awesome little boy. i know i could handle his challenges. i just don’t know. it would be amazing, and at the same time, do i want to go back to that place? he’s 3, so there would be no diapers, but there would be day care, special ed services, iep’s, and dealing with his other issues. too much? i just don’t know. i am agonizing over this stuff….what do you think?

i am very excited because the ladies i bellydance with are finally getting to the point where we might be ready to form our own group. we’ve been coming together for the last couple of years to dance beyond what was done just for class. i think our name will be "hipswitch". i am very excited about this too.

things in the fire world are also exciting. the fire arts festival will be in july, and things are rolling along with that.

those are the things which are currently on my mind….now i need to post this in a lot of different places =)

peace. 

update…

 things are feeling pretty mellow today.

my brother got out of the hospital last thursday. apparently, they got his blood sugar under control. for now, they are going to try to have him control it with just diet and pills, we will see about that. i suspect that how successful that is depends on how successful he is at not drinking anymore.

my son leaves for the army and boot camp in about two weeks and i am very sad about that. he’s been staying with us, and he’s really grown in to a nice man. it’s nice to spend time with him and have him now be a considerate housemate, help with dinner and groceries, and try to look out for my interests. i will always cherish this time i’ve had with him. his girlfriend got a new puppy and he is SO cute. i might post a picture of him later, his name is grizzly and he is part boxer and part saint bernard (!!!) he’s going to be a moose, but right now, he sure is cute. he has the saddest little face and eyes….and his eyes are like a hazel gray/blue. very beautiful. it’s good to have my family around me…

some things have changed in the last little while. there was a guy staying with us that i think i wrote about before. he’s a friend of my daughters and he is the one who brought over "the big ass tv" that is now in my living room. because he was so generous with letting this be at my house, i never really worried about him paying rent because i knew he was going through a rough time. he used to be a metal fabricator, and he had an industrial accident and cut his hand badly on an industrial saw. during the normal course of an on-the-job injury, they drug tested him and he tested positive for pot. no more good job. he worked sales during the holidays and seemed to make pretty decent money, but it was the holidays, so i told myself that he probably needed to buy gifts for family and such, so i wasn’t too worried about it. well, my sis has said that he is the worst about cleaning up after himself. sheesh, you are already living for free, he couldn’t clean up after himself? apparently, not. then, the kids told me he got a pretty handsome tax return, and he did not offer me a single nickel. i think, all told, that he lived with us for about five months, at least. and he did not offer to pay anything, buy any groceries, nothing. the tax return thing was sort of the last straw for me. it made me feel disappointed in him for not even offering and taken advantage of. i had told him before that when my son came home to stay, he would have to stay in my daughters room on the floor if he still wanted to hang out, and he said sure. well, when my son first came home, he made no attempt at all to either clear out or even clean the room that was going to go to my son. i had to clean the room and i am here to tell you, it was nasty. i had gotten it together last summer to use as an office, then my nephew stayed in there for awhile, and i had it looking really sweet. but he had not one time cleaned the floors, there was stuff spilled all over my freshly refinished hardwood floors, it made me feel very sad and disrespected. it’s been over two weeks now since he’s been gone, and i have maintained when they come over, telling them they need to leave at an early time because we all work early. it had gotten to the point where every night was party night and if it was this boy and the other housemate that used to be my daughters girlfriend, if it was the two of them and/or their friends, they’d be up all night and sleeping all day. and existing to drink, drinking in my house, and leaving empty beer cans and trash all over my house.

the ex-girlfriend is gone too, for the most part. she still comes around occasionally, but doesn’t generally stay very long. i felt sorry for her when her and my daughter first moved back in to the house. my daughter has continued to pay rent the entire time she has been in my house, but it’s been more than a year since this girl worked, and she was to the point where she wasn’t even trying anymore. i mean, she said she refused to take a restaurant job because she would not work any where that she had to put her hair up. again….WTF? 

this has been very hard for me. i am a compassionate person and regardless of whether or not these people pay their share, i have to pay all the bills in the house anyway. it didn’t hurt anything to have them there, and the economy has been so bad, i’ve been trying to be a good person. but it had gotten to the point where all they did was party and drink and there was no attempt to respect me, my husband, my household, nothing. it had to stop. but there’s still a compassionate, sad part of me that feels very badly. but not bad enough to let anyone else come into the house that isn’t willing to pay rent!!

i can’t tell you how much more quiet and peaceful the energy in the house has been since they left. it’s felt very family oriented and good. i probably should have done this a long time ago, but i can’t really apologize for being a nice person, either. and i do still feel bad for the ex-gf not having any place to go, but i have a hard enough time taking care of me and my own without taking care of other lost souls too.

i must have needed to vent about this because i did not think i would write about this today when i started this entry. i think that’s all for now.

peace.

family history…

today is marked with a tinge of sadness for me. my mom’s been gone for over two years, last year around this time my brother passed away, and last night, i got a call that my other brother is in the hospital and in the icu. i guess that a year ago he was diagnosed as being borderline diabetic, and i heard he had stopped drinking. however, my sis spoke to him a couple of weeks ago on the phone and he seemed then like he had been drinking.

that’s all i really have time for right now. i will keep folks posted. i think i renewed my subscription, but the last box that returned me to this site gave a database error, so here’s hoping for the best =)

peace.

thoughts on culture and humanity…

 i’ve been thinking a lot lately. thinking about what makes us who we are and how people who experience the same things can interpret or process them so differently. this is a constant wonder to me. i try very hard to understand people.

i have seen this a lot in studying my nephew and my son. they are very different and yet, in a lot of ways, they are a lot alike. my nephew, when he joined the army, he was drifting. he was existing for the next time he could get wasted, and that’s no way to live. he’s a really smart kid, but i think he was sort of trapped in the "why should i help myself? everyone else will help me.." he went through several friends, he was sort of a mooch, he was just directionless. i think it was also sort of toxic for him to be around his mom so much. the army was good for him. he doesn’t always like it, but when i talk to him, he talks about being afraid of reporting his aches and pains because he doesn’t want them to kick him out. it’s like he rails against the structure, but it also seems to be good for him, and i think he realizes that. he has a lot of aches and pains because he never really participated in sports or much of anything dealing with physical agility or sports the first 20 years of his life. i got to the point where i didn’t know how much more i could do for him. that made me sad, but at some point, a person has to take responsibility for themselves.

my son is different, but then, not so different. he is so much like me, he scares me, but with a decidedly more violent and young perspective =) i know i wasn’t always agreeable, but he sometimes channels his negative energy in destructive and violent ways that stun me. in the times he has drilled with the national guard here, he has talked about how much he likes it. he craves the discipline, he says it reminds him of being back in football in high school. he enjoys the physicality of things, the comaraderie that develops among the troops who have only their bodies to shield them from the abuse of those in charge. i am scared to death for him, and for his being in the army. i only hope that by the time he gets to the point where he can encounter a dangerous situation, the world status and outright aggression of the united states will have been tempered enough to largely keep him out of harms way. my son is a hero-type. he’s a leader and that makes me afraid for him. but then, at times, i still see that sensitivity in him that is the thing that made me rent "schindlers list" for him to watch at home…i knew he would cry, and i wanted him to be prepared for it and be able to show his emotions at home. as he prepares to leave for the army, he is sort of couch surfing at our house and so i’ve gotten some more time with him lately. we were eating lunch the other day and we all started crying, remembering my mom. i will always cherish this time i’ve had with him, before he leaves. it’s amazing to me that i raised this man that i see before me.

so all this got me to thinking about how as we become adults, it’s almost an expectation for us to become separate from most of the people in our lives. we get caught up in our own stuff and it’s like we forget to maintain the relationships that will, at some point, sustain us. that doesn’t seem fair. he is still friends with all his football buddies, but they have scattered to the winds. i remember thinking it amazing that this one’s parent died, someone had a brain anuerism, that was killed in a drunk driving accident. he’s actually been much better than i ever was at maintaining those relationships, but then, mine back then weren’t near as strong as his. i had a miserable time in high school and he did not.

i suppose i am feeling pensive today.

just sharing thoughts…

peace.

busy bee....

that's me. i love this stage in the creative process. the fire arts festival is almost taking on a life of it's own. feel free to click it's link to read about that. wrote a grant last week and pondered it over the weekend before i promptly forgot about it in all the girly goodness that took place over the weekend, came home after some personal drama i will mention in a minute friday afternoon, then panicked because it was grant deadline day, but i got it in, in time. *whew*

so, last weekend, i drove to the bay area for some girly time. one of my burning man/ranger friends is getting married in march, and this was to be her bachelorette slumber party. it was a lot of fun. we have made a commitment to see each other more often and this would be a great goodness in my life.

on driving down, i procrastinated the morning, as the weather was looking dark and i didn't want to encounter bad weather. when all looked as good as it was going to get and still be light outside, i made my way, enjoying the trees, the change of scenery from the starkness of the dryer side of the sierra's, in nevada and eastern california heading into the mountains, then the damp looking but too dry and bare mountains near the tops of passes and finally the lush greenery descending into the sacramento valley. that drive will also be special and beautiful and represent to me all that's great in the west and in my world...

eating. my god. did we eat at this girls retreat/weekend. there was one of those mile high chocolate things that looked home made. it was so divine that more than a few bites rendered one sugar coma-rific. and some of the yummiest soups i've ever eaten. veggie, thai, potato/bacony goodness. drinking, check. laughter, massage, hottub, and just friendliness! got to know some new people i'd never met and got to get better aquainted with some i hadn't known quite so well. gained more respect for many. wow. i am so blessed to know some amazing people!

collapse. inevitable around 4:30am. sleeping on pad in one room. bodies of beautiful women everywhere. up around 8:30am, sunday came way too soon. visitation by the divine juice fairy, bagels, tea, water, leftovers, more chocolate.

drove in to the city briefly for a costume fitting that seemed not meant to be. address frailty, miscommunication and slight disappointment, smart enough to see the signs, this not so much meant to be. must get on the road, ominous clouds looming.

back home. make it most of the way in what seems like pretty mild weather. stop to eat and gas and enter a storm of epic proportions. get turned around without snow chains and head back to colfax. thankfully have diana gabaldon audio books to keep me company, sleeping in my car in colfax under the brutal glare of a strip mall parking lot light. because of the awesome weekend had my favorite pillow and a very warm blankie to keep me warm. what an adventure! i made it through and got home midday on monday. it was still fun and i wouldn't have traded a single moment of the entire weekend.

these are the things memories are made of =)

peace.

busy bee….

that’s me. i love this stage in the creative process. the fire arts festival is almost taking on a life of it’s own. feel free to click it’s link to read about that. wrote a grant last week and pondered it over the weekend before i promptly forgot about it in all the girly goodness that took place over the weekend, came home after some personal drama i will mention in a minute friday afternoon, then panicked because it was grant deadline day, but i got it in, in time. *whew*

so, last weekend, i drove to the bay area for some girly time. one of my burning man/ranger friends is getting married in march, and this was to be her bachelorette slumber party. it was a lot of fun. we have made a commitment to see each other more often and this would be a great goodness in my life.

on driving down, i procrastinated the morning, as the weather was looking dark and i didn’t want to encounter bad weather. when all looked as good as it was going to get and still be light outside, i made my way, enjoying the trees, the change of scenery from the starkness of the dryer side of the sierra’s, in nevada and eastern california heading into the mountains, then the damp looking but too dry and bare mountains near the tops of passes and finally the lush greenery descending into the sacramento valley. that drive will also be special and beautiful and represent to me all that’s great in the west and in my world…

eating. my god. did we eat at this girls retreat/weekend. there was one of those mile high chocolate things that looked home made. it was so divine that more than a few bites rendered one sugar coma-rific. and some of the yummiest soups i’ve ever eaten. veggie, thai, potato/bacony goodness. drinking, check. laughter, massage, hottub, and just friendliness! got to know some new people i’d never met and got to get better aquainted with some i hadn’t known quite so well. gained more respect for many. wow. i am so blessed to know some amazing people!

collapse. inevitable around 4:30am. sleeping on pad in one room. bodies of beautiful women everywhere. up around 8:30am, sunday came way too soon. visitation by the divine juice fairy, bagels, tea, water, leftovers, more chocolate.

drove in to the city briefly for a costume fitting that seemed not meant to be. address frailty, miscommunication and slight disappointment, smart enough to see the signs, this not so much meant to be. must get on the road, ominous clouds looming.

back home. make it most of the way in what seems like pretty mild weather. stop to eat and gas and enter a storm of epic proportions. get turned around without snow chains and head back to colfax. thankfully have diana gabaldon audio books to keep me company, sleeping in my car in colfax under the brutal glare of a strip mall parking lot light. because of the awesome weekend had my favorite pillow and a very warm blankie to keep me warm. what an adventure! i made it through and got home midday on monday. it was still fun and i wouldn’t have traded a single moment of the entire weekend.

these are the things memories are made of =)

peace.

beauty, everywhere...

my sister and i underwent an exercise in nostalgia the other day; actually last weekend. we went through all our family photos and such, picking out a first batch to scan and post on the internet. mostly, i want them to be there. if they are on the internet, no matter what happens, they will likely be there if i put them in enough places =) my worst fear is a fire or something where i would lose such things. so much history....even if it's only meaningful to me, it matters. every persons story matters. i might occassionally post snippets from those long days gone by here. it seems to be a decent idea.

last night, a friend from the area who teaches at several fitness clubs around town came and taught our fire group a "zumba" class. it's a latin-fusion type thing...super high energy and much fun. i felt exhilerated from it and was proud that i was able to keep up the entire time. heck, at this rate, i might even try a pole dancing class =) that would be pretty funny, but i also have a friend who has a studio that does that. might be fun, who knows? couldn't hurt, right?

there just isn't a day, lately, where i am not thankful to be alive and be living this life. i love my life, even on the not-so-good days. i have become a marginal facebook addict, which is fun too. it's interesting to keep up with friends throughout the day, and being able to post my day. it's almost like open diary taken to the next level. one could say that it's more superficial than this, perhaps, but there's still the ability. i've noticed something interesting in the last few years...when we first starting being on the internet, it's like the allure was the anonymity of it. like, you could be whoever you wanted and that appealed to so many people! now, it's sort of evolved into being proud of your online identity, or like you can't hide anyway, so you might as well "out with it" and accept the consequences. THAT part of things seems more genuine now, than when i first got on the internet. or, that could just be my perception. some say perception is reality =)

i am trying to stay more politically aware of things. i love many of the things obama has done so far. i love the message he gave to the arab tv station. i love that he said there will be no more waterboarding and guantanmo bay will close within a year, although i can wish it were sooner. i love that he repealed the global gag order in relation to world family planning. i am also reading his book " the audacity of hope". i am encouraged, but still jaded enough by at least the last eight years to be cautious and approach this new hope with trepidation.

i think that's all i have to say for now. trying to get back in the habit and taking the time to write more. we will see =)

peace.

beauty, everywhere…

my sister and i underwent an exercise in nostalgia the other day; actually last weekend. we went through all our family photos and such, picking out a first batch to scan and post on the internet. mostly, i want them to be there. if they are on the internet, no matter what happens, they will likely be there if i put them in enough places =) my worst fear is a fire or something where i would lose such things. so much history….even if it’s only meaningful to me, it matters. every persons story matters. i might occassionally post snippets from those long days gone by here. it seems to be a decent idea.

last night, a friend from the area who teaches at several fitness clubs around town came and taught our fire group a "zumba" class. it’s a latin-fusion type thing…super high energy and much fun. i felt exhilerated from it and was proud that i was able to keep up the entire time. heck, at this rate, i might even try a pole dancing class =) that would be pretty funny, but i also have a friend who has a studio that does that. might be fun, who knows? couldn’t hurt, right?

there just isn’t a day, lately, where i am not thankful to be alive and be living this life. i love my life, even on the not-so-good days. i have become a marginal facebook addict, which is fun too. it’s interesting to keep up with friends throughout the day, and being able to post my day. it’s almost like open diary taken to the next level. one could say that it’s more superficial than this, perhaps, but there’s still the ability. i’ve noticed something interesting in the last few years…when we first starting being on the internet, it’s like the allure was the anonymity of it. like, you could be whoever you wanted and that appealed to so many people! now, it’s sort of evolved into being proud of your online identity, or like you can’t hide anyway, so you might as well "out with it" and accept the consequences. THAT part of things seems more genuine now, than when i first got on the internet. or, that could just be my perception. some say perception is reality =)

i am trying to stay more politically aware of things. i love many of the things obama has done so far. i love the message he gave to the arab tv station. i love that he said there will be no more waterboarding and guantanmo bay will close within a year, although i can wish it were sooner. i love that he repealed the global gag order in relation to world family planning. i am also reading his book " the audacity of hope". i am encouraged, but still jaded enough by at least the last eight years to be cautious and approach this new hope with trepidation.

i think that’s all i have to say for now. trying to get back in the habit and taking the time to write more. we will see =)

peace.

music is poetry…

 on the yahoo group for my bellydance community, someone posted this amazing video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch

music is truly poetry:

Sun been down for days
A pretty flower in a vase
A slipper by the fireplace
A cello lying in its case

Soon she’s down the stairs
Her morning elegance she wears
The sound of water makes her dream
Awoken by a cloud of steam
She pours a daydream in a cup
A spoon of sugar sweetens up

And She fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
As she goes in a store
With a thought she has caught
By a thread
She pays for the bread
And She goes…
Nobody knows

Sun been down for days
A winter melody she plays
The thunder makes her contemplate
She hears a noise behind the gate
Perhaps a letter with a dove
Perhaps a stranger she could love

And She fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
As she goes in a store
With a thought she has caught
By a thread
She pays for the bread
And She goes…
Nobody knows

And She fights for her life
As she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain
As it pours
And she fights for her life
Where people are pleasently strange
And counting the change
And She goes…
Nobody knows

i think perhaps i will let that stand on its own for now. i have some updating to do, but i am still sort of masticating on what it is i want to say. what i will say is that i haven’t felt this hopeful for a long time. it feels good.

le sigh.

peace, for now.

still hanging in there....

i got to talk to my nephew online the other day. he's been back in georgia for just over a week now. he says he's depressed to be back there, but still managing okay in school. the day i talked to him was because he was having some stomach trouble, so had been placed on bed rest.

things are sort of starting to heat up with the fire arts festival, pun somewhat intended =) our guy who we showcased with his metal sculpture last year is coming back, among some other folks. our first grant review is next week, and i am excited and nervous! this would be a big boon to us, if we got this grant!

in other news, i've been doing some web stuff on the side, and have a couple of cool sites to brag about. i helped a friend do his site, which is now operational. his name is david and he operates "west coast juggling". i also do my friend leilani's site, she can be found here. then, i redid the controlled burn website, which can be accessed on the side there, as well as the fire arts festival website. it's been busy, busy but good.

i am trying to get some guest teachers to come and do some different dance types for controlled burn. i hope i am able to make this happen because i think it will be super fun! some folks decided to take january off. we don't have any pending gigs, but time off is time to get out of the habit of doing something, i say =)

in only a short two weeks from tomorrow, bellydancing starts up again. i have a couple of work friends convinced to take it, and i think my daughter wants to take it too, so there will be a whole passel of new bellydancers learning this semester! i didn't get in to the advanced welding class which sort of makes me sad, but i will keep trying. i want to finish my piece, if nothing else. i think it will look cool. maybe i will take a picture of it as it is and post it.

at any rate, that's what's up with me right now. i am looking forward to the inauguration. i am hopeful that a new administration will listen to the people.

peace.