trying to write more….

wow. i am almost 40. i can’t believe it.

i really need to try to write here more. there’s so much stuff that’s in my head and in my brain, i know it needs to get out still, but i think i’ve been focusing on the physical in order to avoid focusing on the emotional, for the time being. with grief being what it is, sometimes it’s better not to think, but to stay busy and work through it slowly, privately.

preparations for the fire arts festival are progressing nicely. i do still need some vendors, but i am working on that. i met with someone this week who donated the cost of printing and mounting the art prints for my static art display. i think it’s going to be phenomenal. i want all the photographers we are featuring to come in and shoot the display, there seems something right about that to me, and something i will be proud of for a long time. at some point, perhaps i will post the photos, or i will let anyone know where they can see them =) the physical festival is going to be july 19, and should be cool, no matter what. monday i have a grant review hearing, it will be a new and interesting experience for me.

personally, i feel good. i am so busy, but i love it. this energy is amazing and fresh and always challenging.

i am heartened by the california supreme courts decision yesterday and hope that it remains….people should be able to marry who they choose to marry. i’ve never understood why the 14th amendment argument, which was also used when miscegenation was repealed in the sixties, is not also used as an argument for same sex marriage. perhaps the time just wasn’t right, but i believe that it is now.

i heart democracynow.org, it makes me feel more informed.

that’s all for now.

peace.

masters of war…..

getting ready to turn 40. this is my new favorite song, of late:

Come you masters of war
You that build all the guns
You that build the death planes
You that build the big bombs
You that hide behind walls
You that hide behind desks
I just want you to know
I can see through your masks

You that never done nothin’
But build to destroy
You play with my world
Like it’s your little toy
You put a gun in my hand
And you hide from my eyes
And you turn and run farther
When the fast bullets fly

Like Judas of old
You lie and deceive
A world war can be won
You want me to believe
But I see through your eyes
And I see through your brain
Like I see through the water
That runs down my drain

You fasten the triggers
For the others to fire
Then you set back and watch
When the death count gets higher
You hide in your mansion
As young people’s blood
Flows out of their bodies
And is buried in the mud

You’ve thrown the worst fear
That can ever be hurled
Fear to bring children
Into the world
For threatening my baby
Unborn and unnamed
You ain’t worth the blood
That runs in your veins

How much do I know
To talk out of turn
You might say that I’m young
You might say I’m unlearned
But there’s one thing I know
Though I’m younger than you
Even Jesus would never
Forgive what you do

Let me ask you one question
Is your money that good
Will it buy you forgiveness
Do you think that it could
I think you will find
When your death takes its toll
All the money you made
Will never buy back your soul

And I hope that you die
And your death’ll come soon
I will follow your casket
In the pale afternoon
And I’ll watch while you’re lowered
Down to your deathbed
And I’ll stand o’er your grave
‘Til I’m sure that you’re dead

copyright 1963
bob dylan

how fitting, eh?

have a good day, after that, all =)

death be not proud….

 death is such a strange and freeing and interesting phenomena.

early easter sunday morning, my youngest brother william allen harris, 54 lost his battle with bone cancer. it was a rough road for bill, he suffered a lot at the end, i hear that bone cancer is excruciating and from seeing bill, that’s most certainly true. it was a relief for him to be gone, to no longer be suffering, but at the same time, his death brought up many, many issues for me. silly things, that i am sure everyone thinks about, but it’s really taken me for a loop.

i am more thankful now than i have been at any other time that i am married and had children. bill died alone in a way that i think very few people understand. he had never been married, never had any children of which any of us are aware. he didn’t have many close friends, none locally, and while it was his choice to spend much of his life alone and he spent a lot of time in his life keeping people at arm’s distance from him, but one has to wonder, at the end, if he thought it was worth it.

on top of that, we, as his living family, were responsible for taking care of disposing of the contents of his life. we spent monday and tuesday cleaning out his apartment. he didn’t really have much and it was sort of sad and pathetic to see the pains he went to to ensure that none of us felt slighted by division of his meager possessions. it’s amazing how in a couple of afternoons one can dispose of the contents of another human beings existence. that is still bothering me.

we had some of my brothers things still in a box, and one of the things we had planned on donating to an area charity was some liquid methadone that he had been given when he was still at home. on tuesday night, my nephew decided it would be a good thing to try to get high on, so he chugged like half the bottle, his girlfriend and mom woke me up early wednesday around 5:40am because he wasn’t breathing well at all. he was bluish grey, i breathed for him while my sister called 911, and we spent the next two days in the hospital. the boy was scared, but what would make someone do that to begin with? it’s not really what we needed in addition to my brothers death this week, and it’s made me more sad than i can even express. i had told him before that he needed to be out of my house by april 1. i told him i loved him like a son, but he is an adult now, and he needs to take care of himself. if he was making any effort at all, i wouldn’t do this, but the boy literally lives and exists right now only for the next high and it’s not a healthy thing for anyone, so i feel as though my choices are very limited with regard to him. i am sure he’s going to attempt to manipulate me, but i cannot allow it. right now i think the best thing i can do for him is let him go and stop enabling him to continue this destructive pattern in his life. he hasn’t worked or even seriously looked for work in over a year. he’s like my own son, but he has to find his own way in the world. this next week is going to be a tough week.

all of this seems to have placed both myself and my sister into a weird head space. i have been irritable the last few days, somewhat unmotivated, and sad. i am still doing all the things i am supposed to be doing and that i committed to, but it’s with a feeling of sort of going through the motions. i am sure this will pass, but i feel like i want to sort of be a hermit right now.

i have a bellydance performance this coming friday, and we have been rehearsing hard. a fire performance on may 3 is also taking a lot of rehearsal time. i will check in when i can. i am slowly trying to catch up on reading here. thanks so much to those who have stopped by. i still need this place, perhaps more than a realized.

it’s been a rough 15 months.

peace.

feeling blessed again….

so, i froze my ass off last night. as one of my fire family stated "wow, this is the most fun you can have getting frostbite". heh.

we had a show last night. it was an outdoor show in weather that was approximately 20 degrees, give or take a few icicles =) it was a smallish show, not too many people wanted to brave the weather to see this crazy group of freaks spin fire, but i suppose we were the only warm ones on the whole street =) we made our own bonfire. heh. there’s something entirely unique about spinning fire in the winter that i knew i missed, but didn’t realize how much until we did this show. last year, we performed at northstar, a local ski resort, on new years eve. all of the sensations and everything are different performing in cold weather. instead of figuring out how nekkid you can get and still not get any of your jiggly bits burned, like in the summer or on the playa, you are trying to think about how you can not feel your face but still smile…..how many layers CAN you get on and still look sexy? how many layers can you peel off and not cause permanent damage to the aforementioned jiggly bits? can i effectively spin fire with my gloves on? two sets of gloves on? (this really isn’t a concern for me because i HAVE to wear gloves with one of my fire tools or burn my hands, but i did appreciate anew the coverage they afforded my cold hands).

hot pizza, coffee, and cider tastes MUCH better when it’s freezing outside and the slice of pie you take from the box is steaming and fresh with gooey cheese goodness. people with backpacks carrying warm liquid goodness should be sainted, i am sure. trying to figure out if the smoke rising is coming from your breath or your fire tools is an entirely unique experience. so, you get the point. it’s also a great good to have one of our members (who is an attorney) have his office a block away from the festivities so we could defrost between sets.

the bottom line, however, is that it was FUN. this crazy, zany, dysfunctional fire family of mine, i adore them. i hope i always feel about them the way i do right now, because this feeling, this is good. not one of them is perfect (nor am i), but we all share the love of this crazy art form and i think we all genuinely care for each other. i sometimes think the last year would have been much, much more difficult for me if i didn’t have these people around me, just being who they are, but accepting me for who i am.

one of our members had a really close call on a car accident on his way home last night. i am glad he’s okay. today, i remain grateful for my life and the people in it.

happy friday, everyone.

*peace* 

returned, from adventure….

 last week i spent with my honey in austin, texas. a good friend also moved there recently. i hope things work out for her. she has a man who loves her, but it’s very different there from anything she’s used to. people are strange, as jim morrison would say….

i saw lots of cool stuff in austin, things i’d not seen before. i had never been to a presidential museum and was able to visit the lbj presidential museum. it was very interesting and i bought a book about lbj during his white house years. i admire what he accomplished and feel bad that his enduring legacy seems to be the vietnam war when he gave this country to so very many other wonderful programs.

i also visited a cave that was cut off from human existence or interference for millions of years. it was very cool. there were little tiny bats hibernating on the ceiling. individual bats only, that we saw. they are such fascinating little creatures. their appendages and features are so tiny, but so detailed. one bat even had little condensation droplets on his fur, and he was most definitely in a deep sleep.

i saw the stevie ray vaughn memorial down by the river. that was cool and it felt good to pay my respects to someone who died way too young.

i saw how my husband is when he’s at a conference. much like he is at home, he likes to hibernate and not go many places. heh. that was somewhat amusing. i was afraid he would be mad at me for wanting to scamper madly around this place i don’t know if i will visit again but he seemed okay with it and glad that i wasn’t mad that he didn’t want to do anything.

i was indoctrinated into the ethos of texas state history, which i have to admit is a little frightening for me. i also saw a mexi-arte museum that made me feel like i was honoring my roots, even if i took a phone call while in the gallery space. i was the only one there, and i thought how sad that more people don’t enjoy such things that are low cost or free.

we stayed at a swanky resort-type place compliments of the government who sends all sorts of army it types to these conferences for networking squared….networking and talking about it stuff. heh.

i also ate some awesome food. i had texas bar-b-que, and tex mex food that was yummy and tasted very different from stuff that we have here. i also had some really yummy greek chicken, hummus, and tofu fries. leave it to americans to find a way to make tofu unhealthy. fry it up, baby =) they were good though, served with a sweet and sour sauce for dipping. i couldn’t eat them all, though =)

the university in austin was amazing. relatively speaking, i work at a smallish university, but it seems that austin and the university have grown up together in a symbiotic, incestuous relationship, sharing space and all being the center of this community. i saw a student services building that looked like a sky scraper to me. parking there was REALLY outrageous, i should tell people here who complain about parking. more than three hours in a garage is a minimum of $8. there are lots of city buses that go all around there. and so many people, in that small area! all with longhorn clothing on, it seems almost cult-like. perhaps it’s just so striking because it’s ORANGE.

i think i last wrote about blood moon, and there’s more to write, but perhaps not today. today feels nice. it is bitterly cold here. it’s been almost a year since my mom passed away, and i am feeling grounded and generally happy. i don’t really believe in regret, but wonder if i did everything for her i could. i miss her still, but know she would be proud of how we are conducting our lives. i feel her sometimes, around me.

i decided to have christmas spirit this year. i bought a live tree and decorated it. i have been making cookies, and cooking a lot. it feels nice. my sister doesn’t live with me anymore, and this, too, i think is a good thing. she seems happy doing what she’s doing, and as much as we still depend on each other, i think it’s healthy for us to exist on our own, too.

that’s all for today.

peace.

new inspiration, fresh start?

why is it that new blogs always make one want to post more? it's like, you have to rebuild everything in this new and interesting place. i have a number of other blogs, i don't post often in any of them, and yet, here i start yet another one and make two posts in two days. i suppose i could be considered fickle. eh. not sure i care.

today was a good day. i don't have to go to work for the next nine days and i am really, really happy about that. i get to go to austin texas next week. i've never been there and i am pretty excited about it. i spent all day today printing out places i'd like to see, maps from the hotel to those places, and how i am going to get there. we will see how it all works out.

i was seriously bummed because bellydancing class got canceled tonight. it spat snow for a little while this morning and looked pretty menacing, but didn't do much else with the flakey white stuff the rest of the day. it's continued to look like it might though, so i guess they didn't want people driving out to the community college with the potential out there. heh. maybe i will dance to some dvd's tonight, or just chill and take it easy.

i'd really like to buy a digital camera this weekend. we will see.

i think that's all for now.

peace.

hmmm....

another blog. well, well, well. i've been blogging for about ten years, i think, and have never had one here. maybe it's time to integrate all those personalities =) or not. i am a GEMINI. many people know me as that. i am also a mother, a wife, a bellydancer, a fire freak, a black rock ranger, a burner, a cynic, a pagan, a unitarian, a liberal, and sometimes, a mess.

welcome to my nightmare...

peace.