07 burning man lessons and thoughts…

this is from an email i sent to a friend recently. i am keeping this here more for my own purposes, to see if i learn anything after next year:

my playa time this year was productive, and useful, but it wasn’t all that much fun…and THAT i have already taken steps to avoid next year =) more fun is definitely in order next year.

i had volunteered earlier in the year for a collateral ranger team, and never heard anything back, so i assumed they had selected someone else for the position or that my suggestion had not been followed that the position be split into a team. so i carried on and committed myself to various other volunteer activities, both within the rangers and within the fire spinning group that has become my family over the last year and a half or so. i am sure you can see where this is going, about a day before we left for the playa, i got an email saying "looking forward to working with you, you are on this other team!" so in an instant, i became over committed, which made me want to be committed =)

so, things i learned from the playa this year:

1) as with any other job in the world, if an employer knows you will kill yourself for a job, they will let you. it’s up to YOU to set good and healthy limits/boundaries and then stick to them to keep things harmonious in other areas of your life. you can’t be there for everyone, you can’t plug every hole, and what you want and need matters too….just as much as it does for others.

2) working constantly while camp mates get closer with your spouse feels really shitty. by the end of the week, they have private jokes, and all you feel is excluded and sad. refer again to point #1 both with regard to boundaries and working too much.

3) NEVER say to yourself at 3:44am on an early tuesday night intercept shift while gazing wistfully at the rapidly diminishing full lunar eclipse (as though that were not spectacular enough), "wow, things are really quiet, maybe we should knock off a few minutes early…" it will be followed by being one of the first on scene to some nut job making your life ever so much more exciting by torching the man early and will continue off-playa as you are called to testify against said cluetard. was in court today and it was quite interesting. i can honestly say before today, i had never stopped while driving through lovelock, nevada and while the courthouse is a neat historical place, not sure i would have, had it not been for said court appearance, which should be the first of many.

4) being a dangerous art liaison kicks ass, and will continue. being an intercept lead also kicks ass, but isn’t worth the relationship conflict it causes. with sadness, i will no longer do this.

5) dangerous art itself kicks ass and i am impressed with the amount of discussion and safety planning that takes place to make sure everything goes as it should.

6) being a performer in the inner circle at burning man is both exhilarating, chaotic, memorable, tedious, long, over too soon, waiting too long, and at the same time, anticlimactic.

7) the quality and tenacity of friendships made during the year will always be tested at burning man. some of those tests will be passed with flying colors when people understand what you want and need better than you do and endeavor to take care of you because they genuinely care. this is one of the greatest feelings in the world.

8) in spite of the fact that we would like it to be true, burning man does not cure all. grief continues to hurt, and while it is cathartic to bring ashes to the playa, create art, and ritualize things that need to be purged, it still hurts like a bitch. i still miss my mom. i always will. i understood this year in a way i never could have before, the importance of having something like the temple.

9) who rangers the rangers when they need it? no one as well as they should and one well-meaning ranger can barely make a dent in it. domestic violence and disrespect between people claiming to love each other are still trigger issues for me.

i think those are the important things. i worked too much and i won’t do that again. that’s the theme for the year. for sure.

peace.

burning the candle….written 9-28-07

does it add extra irony for someone who plays with fire to "burn the candle at both ends"? heh. nice thought.

it’s been awhile since i’ve written, and it occurs to me that everything i’ve written in the last year has been sad or depressed, or maudlin. that’s a curiosity to me because i am essentially still the same person, pretty positive and easy going, just grieving also, right now. i think that adds the other layer that maybe only gets exposed in writing.

anyway, life has continued to be kick-ass since burning man. i marvel at how fucking cool my life is and how lucky i feel to have amazing quality people in my life, surrounding me, and as those i count as friends. i will still never forget what my fire family did for me this year and even though i wasn’t around them the majority of the time on playa this year, i feel a closeness to them that wasn’t there before. we have been through a lot! can’t wait to see what’s coming next!

the last few nights have been high energy and i love it. i truly think i am the most happy when i am running around, trying to fit it all in. right after burning man, it seemed like there was some down time and that just won’t do at all! it was nice, but i was like "okay, what next?" dance class has started again, which is always fun, and as we turn more to a time of reflection and moving forward for my fire family, that collective introspection takes time, consideration, and lots of meetings =)

one of my fire family celebrated a birthday this week, which was the cause of much merriment and margaritas, laughter, love and fun, and then last night i went and laughed my ass off for a couple of hours. we went to see brian kenney fresno (http://www.bonghitrecords.com/bonghit/home.htm) and i haven’t laughed that hard for a loooong time. the dude is hysterical. there’s something seriously wrong with the guy, but i love it!

tonight is more dance, after which, i am quite sure i will go home and collapse after two nights of little sleep. tomorrow is volunteering to clean up the river in the morning, then in the afternoon its to the spa and salon for a wee bit of pampering and then home for hopefully a day and a half or so of relaxation. relaxation = laundry and housecleaning. yay, NOT. i also need to build my ginormous closet that i’ve had the parts for for over six months. then i might be able to put all my burning man costumes in one location, although i am not sure that’s possible, anymore =)

just wanted to write a frivolous, mundane entry, to let folks know that i am truly happy, for the most part, and not generally maudlin. life rules, man, and i feel so lucky to be where i am, with who i get to spend time with, in this place. now.

word.

have a great weekend, everyone!

burning man, 2007

here is a link to a digital version of a project i did for my mom for this years temple:

http://slideroll.com/?s=qb23cpat

if you are a sap, don’t read it unless you want to cry. i am almost to the point, after creation and multiple editing, where i can almost not cry when i watch it anymore =)

this year’s burn for me, was, interesting.

i knew that it would  be emotional because it would be the first without my mom at home, holding down the fort, anchoring me out in the desert, worrying about her while i was gone, and her and others making sure everything at home was copasetic while i was away playing in the desert. at times during this burn, i have never felt so cherished and loved and thought about, and at other times, i have never felt so alone. i think the surprise for me was whom i felt embraced by and who i felt alone with this year. telling, for sure. i will say that i have the most amazing friends in the entire world. my fire family is intense, dysfunctional, wonderful, loving, and some of the most awesome human beings i have the privilege to share this earth with. for them, i will be eternally grateful on many, many more levels than i can adequately express.

the rangers this year were interesting. i hesitate to write too candidly about that aspect of things here just because much of it is not something that should be aired in public, per se (not that this is public, but i wrote this in my tribe blog, i may yet vent some more about this aspect here, hehehe). what i will say is that that, too, was a very challenging aspect of my burn. within the rangers, there are at least three different subteams that i help out with, and between commitment to my fire projects, finding out i was taking on another team right before coming out to the playa, and some internal ranger stuff, this year was my most challenging yet, ranger-wise. it was also heartwarming, fun, chaotic, and a tremendous learning experience, for which i am thankful.  trying to determine how the ranger ranks can keep pace with the growth of the city is a challenge that faced us this year. i think that we rose to that challenge and did excellent work on many levels, but the sense of burn out and "i am not going to do that again" is also larger this year than in those past. many people chose not to work or work as much as they had in the past, and this left a hole in the number of rangers working, for which we all paid or had to compensate for. i think that i logged over a hundred hours this event, and came away feeling like i over-committed myself, like i need to make changes for next year with what i agree to do, and like i didn’t get to see enough of the event or it’s camps, spend quality time with my campmates and partner, or spend the time with my friends that i would have liked to.

that being said, the art was amazing.

part of me wants to call the guy that lit the man on fire early a cluetard, and part of me wants to call him a visionary. the cluetard part comes mostly from thinking of the logistics of how many people could have been harmed during his act of arson. *i* probably would not consider this person a visionary, but if one considers a definition of art to include "a (product of) human activity, made with the intention of stimulating the human senses as well as the human mind; by transmitting emotions and/or ideas", the man could be considered an artist. ’nuff said about that.

in my personal rangering this year, i did most of my interacting with art car drivers, but also rangering my fellow rangers as well as family members, as newbies and as second-timers. i think i also helped someone see a different side of rangering that they didn’t know existed. an entire sub-culture around to help participants of burning man, in some of the many ways that can take shape. eh.

i did some dangerous art stuff this year that was way fun. i think that’s where my focus will be in the immediate future.

was my burning man "fun"? i wouldn’t term it that. it was educational, busy, exhausting, trying, emotional, up and down, sweet, laden with new and renewed experience, and full of turmoil.

i hope that i let go what i needed to let go and can now move forward with peace. i think that i did.

on to preparing for next year….

peace. 

a life time….

i am quite sure that i have lived an entire lifetime since my mom’s been gone. that’s how it feels. i can’t believe that she’s been gone for closer to a year than not. what a sad, amazing, wonderful, hard, tumultuous time this has been.

as i get ready to make my yearly pilgrimage to the playa, i can’t help but think that this time last year, my mom was still here. she was sick, and i was concerned about leaving her, but she insisted we not worry and go have fun.

this year, things will be much different. more of the family is going, as we welcome my sister to the folds of those journeying to the playa, and her son, my nephew will be minding things at home. to say that this makes me more than a little nervous is a gross understatement of the facts, but i will deal with it and we will see what happens. i am trusting in the universe.

this year, i have been buying costumes all year and have more fishnet stockings currently than i have ever had or worn in my life =) i have also bought things that i’ve always wanted and finally allowed myself to have. if these things are split up into smaller chunks, everything is possible.

i am anxious to ranger, and am in anxious anticipation of what this years experiment in temporary community is going to be. it never ceases to amaze me that something as impermanent as burning man, that’s in reality such a small part of our yearly lives, creates lasting friendships and relationships, cultivates such spirit and amazing artistic ability, and makes life seem so much more REAL. this year, i have many new friendships that last year at this time were just beginning. we have all changed throughout the year and now we head back home. the sum of those experiences has made many of those relationships stronger and better. i head to the playa feeling more surrounding by awesome vibes and energy than ever before.

i am beyond excited at the prospect of spinning fire in the inner circle this year. i feel honored that one of the pieces we worked hard on this year that i am involved with was asked for in the circle. i have always been on the participant or rangering side of the circle, so this, too, is new for me.

we leave a week from today.

my hair is braided, the motor home is mostly packed, the food bought, just need to buy the last of the booze and perishable food. this weekend will be cooking and freezing, likely the final shopping. this time next week, last minute preparations for the playa will be occurring.

and then it will happen.

again, my life will never be the same, and my perspective will change.

i will go home.

peace.

times….

this was another busy weekend for me. heh. like that’s anything new, i know.

last friday, there was a dress rehearsal for the festival i am helping to produce this year, and that went good. i am sort of getting to know a lady that i’ve always admired. it’s funny to see different people in different contexts. no one is perfect, but i think it’s still possible to be generally admiring and still know the person isn’t perfect. she has a new baby and when i look at her and her husband, there are such terrific parents. both mellow and very easy going, their kid is lucky. it was great to see her and talk to her on friday.

saturday i spent with my sis. we went shopping and going all around town. how said is this…..a ross opened near our house, and we were so happy, we were about in tears. heh. we are true geeks and shopaholics. seriously. then saturday night was the wine club, which was awesome, too. i have a friend who i think has had a hard time being around me since my mom passed away. she is very close to her mom, too. i don’t even think it’s been a conscious thing, just something that happened. anyway, it was good to see her and her mom on saturday and talk to them. although, i will say, my friends sister gets very loud when she’s drinking and it was very jarring for me this weekend. just sort of rattled my brain.

sunday, i began the process of building an evaporative pond for burning man that i committed to doing for my camp. i say "me", but there is a marginal amount of construction involved, so i don’t really expect my husband to allow me to do it. it’s man stuff, so he’s all about that because he gets to play with his power tools. heh. i am spoiled that way, i think. sometimes i get a bit annoyed because i’d rather be able to do things on my own, but i also know that it’s a privilege to be able to depend on him when he’s around. makes life much easier, in general.

i need to figure out something for my front yard. we haven’t really been watering the grass this year, so most of it has died. i don’t have a problem with this, at all, but the yard looks pretty crappy. i don’t want lawn, but i have to figure out something before the stupid city decides to fine me or something. something else to worry about. heh.

anyway, that’s where i am at today. i have gotten out of the habit of writing and i miss it, i think it helps me process a lot.

peace.

life keeps getting stranger and stranger….

many of you know that i have an ex-husband. i spent almost eight years of my life with him, and they were hard years, years that i allowed to partially sap my sense of identity, they were abusive and crazy years, with a rage-aholic who was also a child molester, i found out later.

he’s dead.

when we were married, after he got out of the navy, he worked in the shipyard for a few years, removing PCB’s from the hulls of old submarine’s so the metal could be recycled. i always assumed he’d get cancer or some other heinous disease from that, knowing how careless they were with the toxic stuff there, but a plain old regular heart attack killed him.

i told a friend who commented "far too easy a death for someone that would abuse a child".

maybe.

he’s been in my thoughts lately. i swear, i knew. there’s this tv commercial that plays here often that has a commentator dude saying "have you been diagnosed with mesothelioma as a result of work in a shipyard or other industrial situation?…" and just a bit ago i was thinking "i wonder if terry ever got cancer or anything?" the thing is that i hadn’t thought about him for a long time, and all of a sudden, he was there, in my mind. and now he’s dead.

something told me not to pick up the phone when the family called and not to return the calls until saturday. i am glad i didn’t because it meant that i couldn’t make the funeral. it was saturday too. i think it would have been exceedingly awkward given how stoic we would have been, compared to the rest of the family, who loved him by blood and they are really struggling with his death.

telling my kids was strange. my daughter doesn’t really remember him, she just knows how ucky she feels when she thinks about him. she said she felt like maybe she should feel sad because it’s her dad and all, but it’s not like they were close, she knew him or he knew her. i think she will ultimately be relieved that he’s gone and he can’t possibly ever hurt her again. when she went through her crazy time, that was one of her irrational fears and now she doesn’t have it anymore.

my son asked for the phone number in oregon, which i gave him. i expect that at some point he will go there to visit and see if it’s what he remembers.

this has been conflicting for me. on one hand, at some point, i thought i would spend the rest of my life with this person and the last dozen years or so thanking the goddess that i saw the light and wasn’t with him anymore. anyone who has a not-very-friendly ex i am sure knows how you get where there comes a time when you look at the person and think "ew. i can’t believe i ever slept with that person". the years had not been kind to him with no steady jobs, no health care. he had lost many teeth, was overweight, not very healthy, diabetic, i sort of felt sorry for him the last time i saw him because his energy was just off. and there was still that undeniable, barely under the surface rage that used to scare me so much.

although i truly believe that his ability to have a real impact on my life ended when i left a state that was anywhere near where he was, there was always a nagging fear in the back of my mind that he would find us some day and do something to hurt me or one of the kids. he can’t hurt my mom anymore because she preceeded him in death.

should i feel worse than i do? should i not feel as much relief as i did? i cried after i got off the phone, and in my heart of hearts, i am still not sure why i cried. for the past? the person i was when i was with him? the end of an era? relief? i don’t know….

peace. 

an update….

hey everyone!

life has been so very crazy, lately. oh my.

i am finally feeling like things are a weeeee bit settled down, but i am feeling very overwhelmed lately with all that’s going on.

first, we will get the kind of boring stuff out of the way….

this year, for the first time, but certainly a trend that may continue in years to come, there are two things that i really look forward to in the spring. one is the bellydancing performances that come in the spring. we do a show called "night of all nations" that’s a ton of fun, and we also do the community college spring dance recital, appropriately named "strange bedfellows" because it’s the dance showcase that combines all the different forms of dance into one show. one of the other things i enjoy a lot is the reno jazz festival, where i have been a site coordinator for the last seven years or so. great fun. where my stress came from this year, is that the jazz festival happened to be the same weekend as strange bedfellows. because the dance show coordinates all those people and different dance classes, the week before is packed with tech rehearsals the entire week, so i had those m-w-thurs then friday was our opening night (6pm call and 7:30 curtain..home about 11pm)after working at the jazz festival from 6:30am-5:30pm, and doing that AGAIN Saturday, then dancing a matinee on sunday…..

the way that i got involved with the jazz festival in the first place is because i work for the department on campus that administers it. as part of that, this year, we decided to finally enter the digital age and record all the judges feedback comments on small, handheld digital recorders. so, sunday, before and after my matinee and SERIOUSLY exhausted, i had to come into work and by tuesday noon, parse and upload the files to be ready for the different directors to download. of course, we had tested exhaustively, but there’s always that little shred of doubt when the unknown of other people trying it comes into play of "will it work?" well, after prearing for a year, endless hours of writing, and figuring and negotiating and facilitating and false-starting….after living through the week after, and some of the tech support calls saving users from themselves, i can say IT WORKS!!!! i don’t know of any other jazz festival’s that do this, so we have broken new ground, on the campus if not in the country. this makes me proud, despite the exhaustion. it was nice to see if all come to fruition.

now, on to more fun things =)

before the jazz festival by about a week, was the night of all nations performance. it was my unauguration doing double duty as a bellydancer AND as a fire performer.

for anyone who might be interested, here’s a link to the bellydance we did that night:

Night of All Nations Bellydance Performance

and here’s the one of my first public fire performance:

Night of All Nations Fire Performance

the quality isn’t great, but you can get the idea and it’s kind of fun!

in other news, i saw my brother yesterday, he has his official diagnosis of "cancer" now. his lymph node on the left side of his neck is noticibly larger and painful to the touch. he is in good spirits, but i fear for him. i think we are going to attempt a standing sunday dinner engagement with him and see how that goes. i don’t want to take care of him, but i can offer him what small amount of family i can, at this point. i fear what this will do to him, knowing how aggressive cancer is in the lymph system, but i will keep good thoughts for him.

me and the girl? meh. this last weekend was our one year anniversary and due to another misunderstanding, we ended up not celebrating. i need to reevaluate if i am getting what i need from this relationship. right now i guess i am thinking that it’s better than nothing, but not ideal. there’s a lot of drama.

she recently spent some time in the hospital, and that’s probably all i will say about that.

just wanted to let everyone know i am alive….and in my SPARE TIME i am learning new fire belly routines =)

will update again soon, as i can….

peace.