And then….

 

(image submitted in general disgust of what’s occurring in Ukraine)

I started a business in the last quarter of last year.

I had finally thought to myself “maybe I won’t have to have more than one job anymore…..maybe I’m there”. I was not there. And there have been some really, really hard realizations that I’ve had to come to terms with in this process.

I am a giver. I have always been a giver. My big revelation during this time is that there are two people in the world that I would literally give anything to or anything for them. My realization has been that I don’t think they would do the same for me, and that hurts.

In some ways, this is horrible. It’s about money, which is SO not even in the top ten of important things in life. But it’s a reality we all have to deal with. I have often and many times, done without something I wanted, myself, so that these two people could have what they wanted. I made some serious mistakes about this. I have borrowed money with high interest rates and from nefarious places, so that these two people could have things they wanted. And when I was in need and needed them to pay a bit back, they didn’t. They didn’t offer. I was vulnerable to them, splayed myself out before them, begged, asked when that isn’t my nature, told them we weren’t doing well financially, and I needed them to find a way to pitch in. They are both family members, one by “blood”, whom I gave birth to, and one who’s been around for long enough to be family. We’ve been through some shit. No help. None.

So then I think, what can I do?! I don’t want to be a meat shield or work security or something like that again. It’s $10/hr and not a very nice or good job. I need to really think about this. And I need to research. I am so fucking tired of making money for other people. Selling myself short, giving myself away, I have gifts and talents that can help people.

I did all of that, and I decided to start a bookkeeping business.

I never really wanted to own my own business. I like being a government functionary, but the pay kind of sucks. Moreso now than at other times in my life, and really, now paying the most I ever have for way shittier insurance coverage than I’ve had in the past just continues to be depressing….and sad, because it’s “good” insurance compared to what some other people have to do or pay in order to get health benefits.

I think when people start a business, everything goes slower than they think it will. OF COUSRE I will have $1,000 in recurring money earned each month in the first quarter or my business! NOT! I filed all the papers and stuff mid-September. Got my first client in September, but no payments until December. I thought to myself “Perfect! Last quarter of the year, everyone will want to get squared away for 2021!!” No, actually, most of the people who I’d want as clients were squared away before the end of 2021, and wanted to start fresh in 2022. Joke’s on me!

Things are going okay. I do enjoy it, it took some time to get to this place. It’s something I have done several times in my life, and I have learned to be positive about it, but there’s still some negative stuff around it, in my brain, about how I shouldn’t “have” to do any of this. That’s technically true, but I am over being poor. What I make at the day job is enough to exist, but I like travel, music, good food and the arts and supporting them WAAAAYYY too much for the salary of a middle-management collegiate worker. It’s what I need and want to do for ME, but it wasn’t when I started. Now I am determined to succeed in spite of all that’s against me as I hurdle towards retirement.

Although this is not where I thought I would be in my life, I am a survivor. Every day I’m hustlin’…..

Peace