We divert from our previously focused love and light vacation photos to deal with some less pleasant life stuff. If nothing else, OD is an outlet. Especially for some of us who do not feel like we are “seen” in our normal lives. Or maybe we are, but the feels are sometimes large and complex, and take time to work through and let go of.
I used to volunteer a ton of my time. When I started this, it came from an altruistic place, but was also something that I needed desperately, at the time. I had a friend, who I met through the Burning Man community, and this friend bought an old run down hotel and asked our Burning Man community “if I ran this place like Burning Man, would you all help?” Well, so very many of us came back with a resounding “HELL YES!!!” I went over and helped clean a few times. The “mission” and what we were trying to do evolved and changed over time. When you take something ephemeral, that only lasts seven days and seems utopian (this is a VERY simplistic explanation of what Burning Man can seem to be to some folks), it’s very hard to make that vision last and stand up year round, 365 days per year. It was supposed to be an art space, lodging space, event venue, and home. At the time that I became more involved, I was working what I lovingly refer to as “the life sucking job from hell”. There was no work/life balance. I had thought maybe I was done with Burning Man. It was coming to a point where there was more demand for tickets than there were tickets to be had, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to participate in a culture that created a glaring dichotomy that mirrored our society even more closely than many of us realized or thought. Meaning, those with money get to expend large amounts of money and be “entertained” throughout the week of the event, and those with less money, trade their volunteer labor to help build and maintain the city, in exchange for gaining access to the event. It turns out, that wasn’t the case, I am probably more deeply involved in Burning Man now then when I had that small crisis, but that’s another story for another time. The point it, when I began to be involved in this place, it was near my work, and there were times when I would go there, feel the community and just sob at what I had done to my life. As I noticed things that were not being done, or being done less well than I thought they could be, I ended up taking on more and more things. Write procedures? Sure! Take the spreadsheet mess that had once been the “accounting system” and make accounts and get everything in to Quickbooks? Sure! Event Management? You bet. Taxes? Work with the accountant? YES, YES, YES!! I wanted to give back! At the end of the day, I was the GM for this place for almost four years….
There are so many amazing stories and memories. So many good times, being there for community, helping people. Also bad times. I’ve heard literally EVERY. SINGLE. EXCUSE. in the book about why someone can’t pay their rent but should still get to stay, why they can’t seem to get along in a communal living environment. I’ve thrown outrageous and amazing parties, bartended, fired people for stealing, for actively using and selling drugs at our place, given housing to artists in residence and assisted with amazing works of art being created and taken to Burning Man or that stayed local. Had funerals at the place, weddings, yoga classes, almost a grocery store, live music events, catered events, the list is so long….and I will always cherish those things.
Through a series of unfortunate things that happen, and like often happens, I left disillusioned, feeling used, and blamed for things I did not do and were not my fault. It happens. There is no shortage of drama in this community.
The place has sold and is headed towards new owners. Because of how things ended with them, my firm goal was to hope to never have to set foot in this place again. I’d rather have remembered it the way it lived in my mind, but the universe had other plans. There was a situation with a non-profit, and I still sit on that non-profit’s board. I am the only local person left, and there were some things we needed to check at this place, to ensure that there were no important non-profit records left on this site. I had to go back there last week. I am glad I did, but it brought up a series of emotions, feelings, processing and grief for me…..
Saturday, I was invited to a friends house for some food and a fire. I didn’t realize all this was in my brain and when I started talking about things, it all came boiling out in a pretty ugly cry. It was an insight in to me. I almost always compartmentalize what’s happening in my heart so that I can get through the immediate crisis. However, sometimes I forget to go back and revisit those feelings, feel those feels and process that grief until it bites me and says, “NO, YOU ARE GOING TO DEAL WITH THIS NOW!”
It started with the memory of a friends passing. He had had cancer for awhile, and a bunch of us had helped with his care. I now realize that I don’t remember which friend with cancer it was. There were two, I think it was the second. Anyway, he passed away New Year’s Eve, in to New Year’s Day. At the time, my thought and feeling, because I wasn’t super close to this human, was that the way I could be the most helpful would be to stay at the place and work the event. Burner’s throw epic parties, and this one was basically a two day extravaganza with DJ’s, dancing, costumes, drinking, making pancakes for everyone after the sunrise set, through midday on New Year’s Day. I had to keep it together so that the event could run smoothly and all the people got taken care of. Except me. I never went back and held myself at the loss of someone who was my friend too, that I had a few special memories with.
Now, I’m also mourning the passing of this place. We tried to make it utopian. We often failed because people who are artistic don’t always understand that bills still need to be paid, responsibilities still exist, even if the world SHOULD be fueled by art and artists should live like kings and queens for giving us access to their brilliant brains and beings, if only for a moment in time. And, some people just suck. We never could get people to see the larger picture of providing community to all, that cliques and pettiness harm and hurt, they aren’t always useful.
The feelings for this place are complicated. Love the place, love what perhaps it COULD have been. Ultimately, unrealized, although I do believe that the IDEA of what it could be is sound….
A bit before I left, I asked a friend to help with a video that is sort of my love letter to the place. It will be gone soon, but I hope this piece lives forever:
I’m not sure if I can embed here….I tried putting in the embed code and it didn’t work. If you watch it, let me know what you think =)
Peace.
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