Glad Tidings to You…

 There’s a lot to convey.

The auto-payment went through, I suppose I’m here for another year. I hope to get more regular in my writing. Sometimes, I allow myself to get discouraged about the fact that some folks seem not to respond here, then I have to remind myself it’s not about ego of writing for an “audience”, perhaps now it’s more true than ever that this should be fore ME. MY processing, my journey, my memories, the things that matter in MY life…..

For many years, I have worked more than one job. I had deluded myself in to thinking if I was smart and careful, I maybe had come to the point where I no longer needed to work two jobs. Sadly, since my husband is disabled and doesn’t seem super interested in helping himself or our family, I don’t really have a choice. I need more income to do the things I want to do and have, and also support my family. There’s a whole lot to unpack here….and a lot of it is relationship stuff. I don’t begrudge him his disability, I literally cannot imagine. At the same time, I’ve always been the one to make sure our family was taken care of. Made sure the bills were paid, and that we survived. He could be doing more. I said to him, it doesn’t matter if it’s a job. Maybe it’s calling a disability advocate EVERY. DAMN. DAY until someone helps us. We are currently trapped between bureaucracies. The VA will not release him to work because he still has some cognitive deficits from his stroke, and issues with vertigo and double vision. Social Security Administration says he is not disable ENOUGH to receive SSDI. So, he exists on the marginal $452/month he gets from the VA for his service-connected disability. I’ve told him I’ve been near to breaking and really needed his help, needed him to do SOMETHING to help…doesn’t have to be a lot, $1,000/month would be really, really good for us. He pouts, says he’s going to apply at some warehouse, then never does it. I ask him about calling disability and he says, vaguely “I did that, they never called me back”. Frustration.

So, I did a thing. I decided my world and fate was in my own hands….and I started a business. A bookkeeping business. It’s actually quite cool. If you sign up with Quickbooks Online Accountant, you get a free account, free training, and really, the only thing you have to pay for is your licensure through the state and other legal-type things. I’ve gotten a handful of clients, I need more, but I am on my way. My first income goal is $1,000 of recurring billing, each month. That’s what I told him, but it will grow from there. Then is $2,000 because I think I can do it, then $5,000/month hopefully by the end of 2022, which will double my full-time gross income, then we’re looking at six figures. Hopefully, this will carry me in to retirement and allow me to travel, have a nice car, pay down credit cards and have the stuff I want. This isn’t about consumption, because I am very careful about that. Having a reliable car is a thing. Having the credit card debt is something that has happened during Covid to keep us alive. I don’t feel like I’m being greedy, I want enough for me and mine and maybe a bit more to be able to help other people.

I’ve also gone through a mental mindshift. I have always been a caring, giving person. The problem with that is that other people are not so much this. There are two of the closest people in my life that I would sacrifice almost anything I had for them to have the things they want. What I discovered this year is that I was going without, and there was no help, no relief, and no acknowledgement about this, and they were not interested at all in reciprocating or paying back some of what has been sacrificed for them. That ended back in September and will never. happen. again. There is some bitterness knowing others don’t give at the same level, and I’m also grateful for this lesson.

In other news, for the past couple years, me and some girlfriends take a night around one of their birthdays and go through my city to look at Christmas lights. One neighborhood in town has a competition called “The Parade of Lights” and gives awards. It’s also a chance for our local food bank to get donations, which we always try to contribute to. So, here’s some lights from the 4th place house. We never found who got first place, but many of the houses had stellar display.

There’s more to write, there always is….but it sort of needs it’s own entry.

Peace!

Vacation, day 11, why actual history is important…

 I think these are days 11-12-13-14

The photography bug wore off towards the end of the vacation. Not really, I feel like I took a ton of pictures, but as the memories fade, it’s crazy how quickly the immediacy and details fade. Ahhhh, getting older.

So, day 11 was an interesting one. I was pretty much told that I got up a little later than my companion would want, and that she felt like that was cramping all she wanted to do on this vacation. Ummm, okay, I guess it’s not my vacation too, but I’m here to entertain you. I mean, it was totally her idea and she made the plans, but I am not sure she would have had it any other way. There were a few times I totally felt like decoration. Meh, I choose to remember the good times hahahaha.

So, up I got, early, and went to retrieve coffee for us in nearby Bishop. LOVED this saying on the wall in the coffee shop I found:

Today was a beautiful, but somewhat somber day. Today, we went to Manzanar. I don’t remember EVER hearing or being taught about places like Manzanar, until I was well in to adulthood. Manzanar was an internment camp. During WWII, after the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, we chose to take a cue from the Germans and divest Japanese citizens of all their property and put them in concentration camps. Despicable. And you know what? The Japanese people overcame this. They were traumatized, brutalized, I’m sure and they still found a way to make things in these camps beautiful, and to exist as they could. That’s maybe the take away, along with “NEVER FUCKING LET ANYTHING LIKE THAT HAPPEN AGAIN”. I think THAT is why it’s so important for these sorts of places to exist, and be preserved. It’s such a slippery slope, and it happens so quickly.

And, about the aforementioned beauty:

Barracks:

And yet, surrounded by unimaginable beauty:

This is near the monument, peace cranes. I just can’t, ya’all:

And no internment camp overview would be complete without a guard tower:

 

Me, at the golf course where we camped while we were in Bishop:

Here’s a lovely stream that existed in a botanical garden we went to after Manzanar to try to get some Zen after the ick:

I was going to smash them all together, but as I’m doing it, it seems appropriate for me to let Manzanar have it’s own entry.

Good Goddess, people suck.

Peace.

Vacation Days 12, 13, 14

 

heh. I titled this picture “not amused”. hahaha. I think this was my early morning reaction to being up at the butt crack of dawn again. At this point, I think any vacation with a friend not previously known super well might be wearing on each other….

The morning started with some hot springs, I think. This was a little cubby hole pool that was amazing

Hot springs are such an amazing natural wonder! I had sort of thought we might experience more, but there were actually many, spread out nicely, and it was glorious.

On the way up into the mountains, we saw some SETI satellites. Super cool! Who knew?

We headed up into the mountains and saw unparalleled beauty.

The views were spectacular. The juxtaposition of nature being both full of life, and also destructive and stark:

On our sojourn up the mountain, we found SNOW IN APRIL!

It felt like being on top of the world at one point!

Day 13 saw us heading up into the mountains for what would be our coldest night of the entire trip. These mountains were no joke when the sun went down. We had another little “altercation” with the traveling companion that necessitated some time apart, taking separate walks. I saw some amazing sites, on my walk….

I’m not sure why there is a grate like, in the middle of a field where there are lots of marshy like springs with hot and cold water, but there it was. Here are some rock outcroppings that were there too:

Another little crag of water in the valley:

Views of surrounding mountains:

There were hot springs here too…called the Shepherds Pool, and our camping spot was right above this, a little down from the above rocks:

Then, it got cold….this was shortly before sundown. OMG!

This was the next morning, trying to remember how many body parts I had and whether or not they were still attached:

FINALLY, day 14 dawned, and it was time to head home.

That “kind of ” smile might be saying “I SURVIVED!!” It might be saying “NEVER AGAIN” and it might be saying “I LIVED AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS FROZEN BODY” to show for it hahahaha….

I am going to end this entry here, because I want to dedicate another entry, all by itself, to the next portion of the trip.

Peace.

Vacation Gratitude…

 I would truly be remiss if I wasn’t grateful for this trip. Before this, I wasn’t sure I could have done this. Like, really not sure. You see, I was raised by a single mom. My mom was courageous, and a warrior in her own way. She blazed many trails, and she was also periodically a victim, which never really seemed to slow her down, she was just a tad bit more cautious.

All that to say, I didn’t discover “camping” as it were, until well in to my 20’s. My mom made sure we saw beautiful things, she took us to the lake, several, actually, we live near Pyramid Lake, Lake Tahoe and Lahontan, all of which we visited, but she was afraid of being hurt, or us being hurt or being a victim again, so we never stayed the night.

By the time I was introduced to camping by my first husband, I was well into my 20’s and already had kids. I had SO. MUCH. TO. LEARN. Camping is exponentially more complicated when you have children. You generally end up hauling around about 3 tons of shit because, you know, you have to like, keep the small humans alive, reasonably clean, they have to have stuff to eat and entertain them, and it’s a right mess.

This road trip, for me, was a HUGE departure from what I was used to. I embarked on this journey believing, because *I* am a very giving person, that my travel companion, who was pulling a trailer, would be sharing, there would be tons of sharing happening, and that I would only sleep in the car if I had to. She is a particular type of person and likes to have her space, and everything has it’s place. She gets VERY upset when that doesn’t happen, so there was no sharing. That mean, 14 days, essentially living in my car. For me, it was fun. I wanted to see if I could do it, and I did, I survived and I thrived, having a grant adventure.

This was the little “nest” I made in the back of the Subaru I borrowed from my kids for the trip:

I loved this experience and this car so much! I took this because it has a newer engine in it and we knew the trip would be long, with lots of miles, wanted something that was reliable and also would be able to carry me and my companion on the day time trekking, and be able to be all-terrain enough we would not get stuck. It did all of these things fabulously. It was our trusty steed and I will love this car forever. Long term, I personally need JUST a tad more space. My feet were sort of cramped on the bottom. I am 5’6 1/2″, and I have found my Murano SUV to be just that much MORE comfortable.

Here’s what the entire setup looked like, glancing in:

Now, I spent almost the entire Summer, car camping in my Murano SUV. I even bought a tent to go off the back hatch because where I camp while volunteering at a place that has 191 bodies of water, has a number of bugs during warm weather to make one cringe and be very uncomfortable and lumpy for at least a week, with no bug protection. Here is that setup:

I have a new hobby, a new love, and a new sense of freedom now! There are a few items I want that will complete my “solo camping” setup. I added a butane stove shortly after the April trip that I LOVE! The two remaining items are a smaller multi-day cooler. All ours our giant because Burning Man. And, a 500kW or so solar generator so that I can charge devices, run a heater or portable AC if needed, and have it for emergency uses and purposes as needed. So concludes my journey in to solo car camping. Overall, a 10+, would definitely do again, and go, me!

Peace.

Grief, mourning and release…

 

We divert from our previously focused love and light vacation photos to deal with some less pleasant life stuff. If nothing else, OD is an outlet. Especially for some of us who do not feel like we are “seen” in our normal lives. Or maybe we are, but the feels are sometimes large and complex, and take time to work through and let go of.

I used to volunteer a ton of my time. When I started this, it came from an altruistic place, but was also something that I needed desperately, at the time. I had a friend, who I met through the Burning Man community, and this friend bought an old run down hotel and asked our Burning Man community “if I ran this place like Burning Man, would you all help?” Well, so very many of us came back with a resounding “HELL YES!!!” I went over and helped clean a few times. The “mission” and what we were trying to do evolved and changed over time. When you take something ephemeral, that only lasts seven days and seems utopian (this is a VERY simplistic explanation of what Burning Man can seem to be to some folks), it’s very hard to make that vision last and stand up year round, 365 days per year. It was supposed to be an art space, lodging space, event venue, and home. At the time that I became more involved, I was working what I lovingly refer to as “the life sucking job from hell”. There was no work/life balance. I had thought maybe I was done with Burning Man. It was coming to a point where there was more demand for tickets than there were tickets to be had, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to participate in a culture that created a glaring dichotomy that mirrored our society even more closely than many of us realized or thought. Meaning, those with money get to expend large amounts of money and be “entertained” throughout the week of the event, and those with less money, trade their volunteer labor to help build and maintain the city, in exchange for gaining access to the event. It turns out, that wasn’t the case, I am probably more deeply involved in Burning Man now then when I had that small crisis, but that’s another story for another time. The point it, when I began to be involved in this place, it was near my work, and there were times when I would go there, feel the community and just sob at what I had done to my life. As I noticed things that were not being done, or being done less well than I thought they could be, I ended up taking on more and more things. Write procedures? Sure! Take the spreadsheet mess that had once been the “accounting system” and make accounts and get everything in to Quickbooks? Sure! Event Management? You bet. Taxes? Work with the accountant? YES, YES, YES!! I wanted to give back! At the end of the day, I was the GM for this place for almost four years….

There are so many amazing stories and memories. So many good times, being there for community, helping people. Also bad times. I’ve heard literally EVERY. SINGLE. EXCUSE. in the book about why someone can’t pay their rent but should still get to stay, why they can’t seem to get along in a communal living environment. I’ve thrown outrageous and amazing parties, bartended, fired people for stealing, for actively using and selling drugs at our place, given housing to artists in residence and assisted with amazing works of art being created and taken to Burning Man or that stayed local. Had funerals at the place, weddings, yoga classes, almost a grocery store, live music events, catered events, the list is so long….and I will always cherish those things.

Through a series of unfortunate things that happen, and like often happens, I left disillusioned, feeling used, and blamed for things I did not do and were not my fault. It happens. There is no shortage of drama in this community.

The place has sold and is headed towards new owners. Because of how things ended with them, my firm goal was to hope to never have to set foot in this place again. I’d rather have remembered it the way it lived in my mind, but the universe had other plans. There was a situation with a non-profit, and I still sit on that non-profit’s board. I am the only local person left, and there were some things we needed to check at this place, to ensure that there were no important non-profit records left on this site. I had to go back there last week. I am glad I did, but it brought up a series of emotions, feelings, processing and grief for me…..

Saturday, I was invited to a friends house for some food and a fire. I didn’t realize all this was in my brain and when I started talking about things, it all came boiling out in a pretty ugly cry. It was an insight in to me. I almost always compartmentalize what’s happening in my heart so that I can get through the immediate crisis. However, sometimes I forget to go back and revisit those feelings, feel those feels and process that grief until it bites me and says, “NO, YOU ARE GOING TO DEAL WITH THIS NOW!”

It started with the memory of a friends passing. He had had cancer for awhile, and a bunch of us had helped with his care. I now realize that I don’t remember which friend with cancer it was. There were two, I think it was the second. Anyway, he passed away New Year’s Eve, in to New Year’s Day. At the time, my thought and feeling, because I wasn’t super close to this human, was that the way I could be the most helpful would be to stay at the place and work the event. Burner’s throw epic parties, and this one was basically a two day extravaganza with DJ’s, dancing, costumes, drinking, making pancakes for everyone after the sunrise set, through midday on New Year’s Day. I had to keep it together so that the event could run smoothly and all the people got taken care of. Except me. I never went back and held myself at the loss of someone who was my friend too, that I had a few special memories with.

Now, I’m also mourning the passing of this place. We tried to make it utopian. We often failed because people who are artistic don’t always understand that bills still need to be paid, responsibilities still exist, even if the world SHOULD be fueled by art and artists should live like kings and queens for giving us access to their brilliant brains and beings, if only for a moment in time. And, some people just suck. We never could get people to see the larger picture of providing community to all, that cliques and pettiness harm and hurt, they aren’t always useful.

The feelings for this place are complicated. Love the place, love what perhaps it COULD have been. Ultimately, unrealized, although I do believe that the IDEA of what it could be is sound….

A bit before I left, I asked a friend to help with a video that is sort of my love letter to the place. It will be gone soon, but I hope this piece lives forever:

https://youtu.be/E4JNaiGjCC0

I’m not sure if I can embed here….I tried putting in the embed code and it didn’t work. If you watch it, let me know what you think =)

Peace.

Vacation Days 8, 9, 10…

What a life!

Day 8, honestly, had a bit of hangover and permagrin from day 7. My heart overflowed into this day. Day 8 was started by visiting and looking at stuff around Joshua Tree. We went to a sculpture garden that had all sorts of interesting pieces

Desert Air BnB?

That’s a tad large for my desk, but I LOVE these things:

Then we went and learned about some cool stuff I had previously not known about that had to do with strange religious sects and languages.

And this is the cabin that had the writing all over the walls. Bizarre:

Then we went into town. I think this is the day we went to a little outdoor market where I found some of the most amazing skin care products. This is perhaps more extreme desert than where I live, so the products HAVE to be good, right?!? They have, in fact, proven to be. Of course, I didn’t take any pictures of all that, but we did see this cute little quirky crochet museum:

We went and saw this giant rock that actually, at some point, had a house built under it. I was sad to see all the defacement and tagging on such beautiful natural things.

 

We went to the store and decided to have sort of a down day. Which lasted exactly as long as it took me to lose my phone! STRESS. PANIC. I was thinking OMG, it’s GONE!! Got a tad snippy with my companion. Went back to store. Luckily, someone had turned it in and me and my little giraffe were reunited. This lovely and snappy dressing young man was the person who handed it back to me:

Later on day 8, after the great phone fiasco, we had the most amazing family as neighbors. They had this awesome dog that was kind of hard to get a picture of because he had a lot of energy. However, he was fluffy and curious and awesome:

Day 9 dawned WINDY. It was time to leave our sanctuary at Joshua Tree RV Park and begin to make the trek headed back North.

Should have known that windy in Joshua Tree would not bode well for heading North. Somewhere in the great expanse of heading North, we were unceremoniously pulled off the Freeway. The closed the entire road to all traffic because of high winds. We straight saw a giant billboard thing that had been blown over and took out part of a building! I was driving, so couldn’t take a picture, but here’s one of us trapped in L’s trailer, with a bunch of truckers at a truck stop in the middle of nowhere:

My friend L, she truly knows no strangers. And she smokes. I do not smoke. So, before I knew it, she was introducing me to these two cool looking Mexican dudes. They were best friends on a fishing trip, also trapped. They, however, were much more familiar with the area than us, and were hip to a camp ground that was right off the highway, but they said very much pretty and a good spot. Sounded good to us, so we formed a caravan when the highway was open again and proceeded to go on a different kind of adventure. This was taken the morning of day 10, as we didn’t arrive until later in the evening, but here are our saviours!

They were very sweet. They wanted to feed us! They asked if they could BBQ for us, they fed us ceviche and chips. It was pretty awesome, actually. It’s amazing, one can find friends anywhere! They took off first thing in the morning, and we decided to hang here for another day. I would TOTALLY go to this camp ground again!

This was a trip, also, of amazing canines! One of the guys had one, her name is Penny:

The guys headed on their future journey pretty early in the AM. Brains are suck funny things. It’s only been a few months since this adventure happened, but it seems to me like the pictures now, are out of sequence. Hah. At some point, we went in to a town where there was a Western Movie Museum that was sadly closed due to Covid, but always exciting to think of coming back at a different time:

And that same day, at some point, there was an amazing burger in my life.

Now, back to our amazing camping spot…..

My life does not suck.

Peace.